Great article!

I think you're right, that Men and Women do fundamentally react to the online dating world differently, in many cases.  And they probably should - after all online dating targets these two groups differently, right?

It is probably also true that other communities (religious, ethnic, sexuality) respond to these services differently.  I live in San Francisco, and know many, many more gay males who use online dating than any other social demographic.

I am in a married, monogomous situation at the moment. And something must say: plays within the rules, because I don't have men suggest I step out for a little fun.  

However, if I were single (and I'm in that older range), I can imagine that i would be willing to have a purely physical affair with a man. 

Meet him, bed him and move on. 

I had that attitude before I was married (and no, I was never slutty), so a return to a single status would likely mean I'd be return to taking care of my own pleasure. 

Debra
A Stitch In Time
Deb's Daily Distractions

I'm married, and have recently cheated on my husband. I've spent the last year trying very hard to become comfortable with my sexuality after many unhealthy sexual relationships and years of problems in the marriage. I thought it was all me (diagnosed with sexual dysfunction, and problems my whole life - how could it not be all me?)

When I met a man and responded instantly to him, it was kind of scary. There was suddenly the possibility that I am a normal, sexual person but that my marriage was sexually unhealthy.

I'm not comfortable with breaking my marriage vows, and am in the process of getting things in place so that I can leave. (I don't need to be told how slimy I am for cheating - I know it. But the sex, the one time we did it was amazing. I didn't even *know* that sex could feel so good and be so mutually satisfying.)

The "fling" with this other man was supposed to be just fun, just sex. But I'm having a really hard time separating emotional attachment and sexual enjoyment. Turns out I don't know how to just have sex for fun, my brain wants more.

It's a little discouraging, but once I'm out of my marriage I think I'd like to keep trying to find ways to have sex that is pleasurable and fulfilling. Not sure if that means emotionally unattached sex, or just waiting for a compatible lover and seeing if I can have both the sex and the relationship.

I love the idea of sex for fun, not feeling guilty about it and just enjoying it, but I'm not sure if I'm there yet.

Kylie, thanks for those observationsl interesting and not the common wisdom in terms of online dating and gay men (but not surprising either).

deb--appreciate your honesty and sharing; glad these questions truly are relevant t others.

Ann--thanks for sharing as well; I do think that  interactions between people can be somewhat unique; nothing is ever one sided, even as we can see ourselves repeat patterns, it also doesn't mean that we don't interact uniquely with specific people. 

Susan Mernit, Susan Mernit's Blog

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Hi Susan,

I just came across this post, and you ask some very important questions...

As far as the blogosphere goes, I think women realise that what they're putting out there is public information. As such, we may tend to stick to what society expects us to say about sex. We may not want to put ourselves in the position of getting branded with some sort of scarlet letter in our offline worlds because of what we've said online.

Many of us live dichotomies, not by choice.

Yet the separation of sex and fun for women goes way back to Greek civilization--where women were divided into different groups. If you read Plato's "Symposium," there were women in attendance--the hetairai--who were described as either prostitutes, "foreign women" or former slaves who had won their freedom. Whoever these women actually were, there's one thing they weren't: wives. Wives in ancient Greece were treated differently in the major cities of Athens and Sparta, with one thing in common--sex with a wife was considered to be work. A "tilling of the fields" so to say. While sex with hetairai, or prostitutes, was "fun" (as was sex with other men.) (see the book "Before Sexuality" for more--academic and somewhat ponderous but it tells alot.)

From the Greeks forward, women's sexuality was often cordoned off into different modes. Maybe this can be seen as "patriarchal" but maybe, too, in some ways it served women in the greater society. I always think, if this way of thinking about women--separating the good (duitful sex) from the bad (fun sex)--may also have suited the majority women.

Still, when there's talk of sex as fun in our modern world, it's always from the perspective that "fun" must be either sinful or anonymous, or have some other pathology connected to it. It's talked of in terms of young people in pop culture with "ew! gross!" if you're older. Fun has the connotation of out-of-controlness: and we all know what terrible things come from being out of control in our world (just turn on Dr. Phil and Oprah or any other daytime talkshow to get your litany of sins and misery.)

Ann's comment above brings up something interesting regaring "fun" sex with someone who isn't a significant other. In order to be able to do this--and to still see that other as a person and not a means to end our need--takes some real rational thinking. We have to step back from the situation and look at the whole person. Is that guy who's so much fun in bed *really* Mr. McDreamy, or are we projecting on to that person what we want him to be? If we look at his traits in a rational manner, we might see that he has traits we could never live with if he were the last man on earth (too fussy, too dirty, too neat, too irresponsible--the list is endless.) When we appreciate a sex partner for who he is, yet know that he ain't right for us, we can then enjoy a friends with benefits kind of thing. It is, though, often difficult for women to separate their thoughts and feelings in this manner. We get sentimental. That's not a bad thing, as it helps us bond with others (makes us perfect for raising little beings who can't speak.) But it certainly makes sex as fun outside of a committed relationship a difficult concept.

Tish Grier
blogger/consultant

Work: http://spap-oop.blogspot.com

Life: http://lovehopesexdreams.blogspot.com

I am now married, but I am not too old to remember the days where sex was just for fun.   Now that I am older and if, for some reason, I find myself single again, I like that would be all I would do, is have sex once in a while for fun!  I am in a too high income bracket to have it for money!

Sex can complicate things.  It can also get you what you want.  I read an article once that said, want your husband to do whatever you want, have sex with hime everyday.  But that takes the fun out of it, if it is a chore.

Being true to yourself, happy with yourself and be with another because you want to, not because you have to.  Should, I would hope, lead to some sex and fun.  Fun, spontaneous, hot, and no strings.  What complicates it, is too often we are looking for more.  Well as for me, like I said, if I find myself single again, the sex will be for fun.  I won't need their money.

Hi Susan,

I just posted similarly asking women what they thought about sex for fun,  As a mid 40 year old divorced woman, my sex drive (which seemed dead for a long time in a dead marriage) is now very much alive and I am trying to come to grips with my desires and beliefs.  My post questions what is right and wrong.   I have read so little about sex in this sex and relationships blog and I truly hope to get feedback from lots of other women.

Women can and do talk about everything. This is such an important and delicate topic and I think we can all use to hear what otherr' perspectives are.  I am trying to broaden my horizons as I enter the dating world.  I feel like I want to experiment, learn new tricks and yes, have a lot of fun lighthearted sex.

Thanks for your post.

Karen