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As a child my father sexually abused me and physically and sexually abused my mother. As a married woman it was hard for me to be intimate with my husband. I later realized that it was hard for me to enjoy sexual intimacy with him because of anger. I had such a distorted view of sexual intimacy since I was raped as a child and saw my father rape my mother over and over again. Sex for me was a chore and it made me very angry to have to do it. My anger shined bright one night when my husband was getting into bed. He was wearing underwear similar to the ones my father wore when he came to sleep with me, as a child. I immediately reacted. The switch of anger was turned on, and the light shined so bright that it awakened the wounded child, filled with rage. I reacted in anger to my poor husband because I was scared. At that moment I felt closed in. I was trapped. I tried to fight the sudden outburst, but it was so hard. Proverbs 14:1 says that a woman can tear her house down with her own hands. I didn't want to destroy my home, so I decide to get help. Counseling helped me understand that my lack of intimacy stemmed from anger. I began to see how my anger of having to get intimate with my husband was so connected with things that had happened to me as a child. I learned that the trigger points for my anger were due to feelings of powerlessness, and how it resulted from living in an environment of domestic violence. Statistics state that the effects on children who see Domestic VIOLENCE INCLUDE: experience feelings of fear, anger, depression, grief, shame,despair and distrust and a sense of powerlessness. [1] My childhood experiences caused me to be disillusioned, my husband wasn’t my father and he didn't want to hurt me but only love me. I learned to trust his heart of love and tender affection as real love, not abuse. He didn’t want to hurt me but love me and show me through sexual intimacy. This revelation opened the door to a greater level of intimacy with my husband. I hope what I shared today- will help you too!
[1] AustralianDomestic Violence & Incest Resource Centre (DVIRC)
To learn more about my story- visit my site @ www.rescuedwomen.com.
