The Shame of Addiction: Are Parents to Blame for Their Kids' Addiction?

 chefswidow. I read this article as a brother, a son, a joy, a bleeding heart, and also as a recovering heroin addict much like your brother. Your description of him was an absolute description of me. Same socio-economic status as well which I believe is a very integral part in the plague that is addiction.  Personally, I lived in a wealthy neighborhood on the border of a drug-ridden "ghetto" (to some), but to me it was a land of unexplored people, places, and things. Not to say that any of these can be labeled good or bad; just unexplored and curious to me growing up.  The facade of many of my friends' families, neighbors, teachers, and even some friends themselves was an instant dislike to me reaching high school. I realized how judgmental and status-oriented almost everyone was. Gossip was oxygen to most of these people and as you explained most of these self-hating gossipers were hiding secrets often much more shocking than the secrets they were spreading (whether confirmed or not: rumors).  It is the stigma attached to the idea that often isolates and destroys those battling addiction, impulse, and obsession. I know that before I started to become aware of the world outside of my town, I would've shaken my head at an addict in disappointment and disgust. I couldn't have been more pathetic.  I was part of the self-indulgent, ignorance that I came to despise.  I am not proud of it, but it has shaped me as a much better contributor to this earth than I ever was; and am now proud to be.  When word spread of my addiction in high school which started with a surgery and many vicodin refills (like I said same story as most are) it was mostly my "friends" and peers that were spreading the lies and half-truths to their parents and friends alike. I was a multi-sport athlete and to many a comedian, so I was generally well liked by most.  Through my self-inflicted agony, only 3 people reached out to see how I was doing. it was evident that I was struggling and battling addiction, but as long as I had what people wanted whether it be pills, a friend, or a laugh; most would shrug and dismiss the issue given it wasn't their problem to begin with. Although this is true in every aspect, an addict has no one to blame but his/herself, a true friend reaches out in time of need.  By the time I reached college I was a professional con-artist and had burned quite a few bridges and written off those that had dismissed me due to my addiction.  The irony of this situation was that 2 of the 3 friends that reached out to me were considered "bad or drug kids or troublemakers" by my parents and some friends.   Eventually my parents began to catch on as I was blowing through hundreds of dollars a week with bullshit excuses and no proof (receipts and whatnot) to back them up. The only issue was that I was spending my own money that I earned at my own job, so they didn't have much control over it. When someone is in active addiction you have to realize that it is pure survival. Fight or flight instincts are on full blast, which gives way to addicts being master manipulators and deceivers. They're brain is telling them to use over and over like a broken record and the only way to shut it off is to....yep you guessed it..get high again.  Through my darkest days when I was using heroin IV, I must say I held a job, didn't steal a penny from anyone, and got an A in each of my honors summer college courses. Hmm, and I thought all addicts rob you blind the second your backs turned? The stigma that follows addiction is plaguing families and addicts alike.  It's causing them to feel shame and hatred, which are just displaced fear and lack of understanding. Some of this is the responsibility of our wonderful US GOV which burns billions "fighting the drug war" a.k.a. raiding opium fields and meth houses only to resell the drugs on the street at a marked up value. NO TAX = HUGE PROFIT MARGINS. All the fat cats see is dollar signs and a scapegoat for societies easily repairable problems. I will end my rant there as I could continue for days with the malfeisence (spelling?) of our negligent and ignorant "leaders". I could blame the doctors that are intentionally prescribing insane amounts of narcotics hoping to hook patients, so that they can accumulate more green paper.  Evil exists everywhere, you just have to do your best to be aware of it and avoid it at all costs.  What I'm getting at is that we are coerced and conditioned into believing a generalization that all drug users are awful people who's sole goal in life is to hurt themselves and everyone around them.  The attribution errors of society cause us to dismiss the possiblity that maybe this particular addict was a victim of severe abuse as a child, or maybe a veteran dealing with PTSD both of which are left untreated in almost 50% of cases (Social Psych. Journal Howlitz 8). People are led to believe that this generalization applies to everyone which is the same things as saying that because one person of a particular race steals, they must all steal.  It's just fear masked with ignorance, and although such a simple problem it's a monumental feat to dissipate. I understand why your father believes he is to blame. My father went through the same period of shame for himself and his son.  Once I got further along in my recovery and was able to communicate without anger and emotion, he could see that It was an internal issue of coping that was a driving force in my addiction.  You can't rule out that parents have a hand in the addiction as every moment has an impact on every thought, feeling, behavior, action, and what have you.... It just must be realized that addiction is a symptom of a much bigger issue. The issue can range from disease to ignorance, self-inflicted to an innocent victim. The point is, we all suffer from ailments and addictions. Some more harmful than others but nonetheless we all suffer.  It's the people who stop, ask for help, and change themselves for the better that need more attention. I reached out to my parents and they reacted in a way that I thought impossible. They reacted with open arms and pride that their son was smart enough to realize his mistake (mind you they also realized I was dumb enough to shoot heroin, just saying). They became instantly involved in my recovery and have been a crucial aspect to my current health and accomplishments.  The biggest problem dealing with them and recovery was that they were torn between this scary new world they had hoped to avoid, and the ignorant bliss that is my fake hometown. They were afraid people would judge them as bad parents for raising a child that could do something like I did.  The were ashamed that they "failed" as parents, NOT TRUE. They were so damn frustrated that they just could absolutely not understand what pain could have ever brought me to shoot dope. 

TO ALL PARENTS THAT READ THIS: Do not try to understand why and how your child/friend/lover chose addiction over you. Do not think that they don't love you anymore because they're destroying their life you worked so hard to give them.  Don't judge them as a scumbag because they had made some awful, selfish decisions.  As difficult and scary as it is, you must open your eyes to the truth. He/she IS and ALWAYS WILL BE an addict. The thought will always exist, the drugs will always be a risk, you may always be worried. But like anything in life, risks are occupational hazard. They exist in every life and in every place.  Next, you must be as patient as you possibly can because even though you feel the addict is undeserving at times, recovery is a selfish and difficult process. It's basically rebuilding years and years of learning and strategy.  It's learning to cope with stress, be responsible, hold a job, pay bills, be cordial, communicate, it's everything.  It is a heavy weight and burden that must be put as the top priority because once the addiction is under control, the happiness and love starts to emerge once again in much greater intensity.  If the addict you know is buckling down, admitting fault, working the steps, making a damn honest effort to change their way...show them that you're noticing. A simple compliment, or giving of trust goes SO MUCH further than you would believe. Especially in the case of opiate addiction, the sensory nerves and emotions of the addict are completely empty. The dopamine has run dry and the body has forgotten how to produce it's own happiness without drugs.  This is a very fragile state and the reason that relapse rates are as high as 95% in heroin addiction.  I know that all you desire is to have your old accquaintance back and you can. As a matter of fact, you can have a better version.  One that is understanding of hardship, one that is humble and brave, and most of all one that loves you enough to rip their life off the ground and start from scratch in an effort to win back life, love, and happiness.  It amazed me to hear how many people are proud of me in my recovery and it has truly eased the process for my loving parents and sister, as it brightens their light inside and adds to the hope that the storm has passed and the calm is here to stay. 

  Recovery is so fucked up. Excuse my language but I can't express it in any other way. It's the most ridiculous, heartwrenching, loving, affectionate, hate-filled, feared, and mysterious thing my family and I have ever encountered.  I am proud to say, however that I am clean today because of the love and care that surrounded me and led me to stop my assured destruction.  I realized that my parents had done such a great job raising me, and were such angels on earth that I could come to them and say that I was sticking a needle in my arm to numb the pain of daily life and a broken heart.  My parents had done such a good job that their work has helped numerous addicts through recovery, through my experience, stories, and aiding of struggling addicts build a better life.  The values and love they instilled in me has brought families back together and rescued childhood friends of mine from the trenches.  I have done my best to reach out to every person I see that needs help. You CAN NOT help someone until they desire it for their own self, but you can extend the gesture and hopefully plant the seed that eventually grows into becoming self-aware that choosing to be an addict is choosing to die.  Choosing to be an addict is avoiding life and the beauty that we exist on this earth to experience. To any and all that struggle with addiction or any hardship, my brothers and sisters in NA that keep me strong when I need support, to the weeping mother that is deperately searching the internet to understand her child's affliction, there is a way out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Do not lose hope, life is something worth fighting for and who better to fight for than the ones that you love.  The person you knew isn't gone, it's just hiding until it's found again. As simple as a game of hide and seek, yet as complicated as rocket science this disease of addiction is taking precious moments that are deserved to be joyous.  I promise that if you stay strong and do everything within your power you will see positive results. If you refuse to let go and give up hope you will have happiness once again.  This past week I chose to spend spring break with my family as a 21 year old college student.  Why? because these people gave their lives to save mine.  They cried and fought because of my inability to deal with the pain of having Tourette's, OCD, ADHD, and hating the body that I was in and the struggle to succeed and perserveare through the twisted game of life.  They saved my life because they were understanding enough to make me comfortable enough to admit the most shameful act committed in my life.  Don't blame yourself for their addiction, blame yourself if you knowingly enable and deny the truth that he/she is an addict. Because how could you be at fault for something that you didn't intentionally inflict? Logic tells you, you cannot.  If you have the courage and love in your heart to admit the truth that he/she is an addict and that with the help of yourself, friends, family, counseling, rehab, NA, and loads of research; this problem becomes the foundation for such character and poise.  I am a great person because of the experiences I've had. Although I would never wish any of the pain that is addiction upon anyone ever, I can't take back what I have done...I can only learn from it and become more complete.  I can learn how to avoid using and destroying myself because I have already done it and hated it. I can live and help those in need because I have the best family in the world. My family includes everyone I know that has tried to help. Including you chefswidow. You're story inspired me to share mine and hopefully both will reach another addict struggling or recovering and so on and so on.  Real love is recovery in my life. It has shown me how to live a life full of happiness, validity, satisfaction, charity, and kindness,  I take every opportunity to help anyone I can because of the people that reached out to me in my dark time.  I love you Mom, Dad, and Sissy, Aunt, Uncle, Grandma, Cousins, Friends, You are the greatest and strongest people I have ever met. You inspire me to be the greatest and most giving human I can possibly be. You were the light at the end of the tunnel, I wanted out of the darkness only to share the light with you once again.  My family does not look upon me in shame or disappointment.  They all know of my affliction and couldn't be prouder of the man I have become recovering from it.  I'm forever sorry for the hurt I have caused you and I will always do my best to put your happiness first.  I could go on and on because the love I've felt is infinite.  To chefswidows father, do not feel ashamed...rejoice in the beauty that is your daughter and the inspiration your sons journey has given to those in need of a guide. You have made a positive impact on this world and have done your best in raising your children.  What more can you do? You teach them to your best ability, until the time comes when they must learn to survive on their own. A life of servitude and smothering is nothing of a free life.  I hope for you and the recovery of your son and would love to be available to you at any time day or night if you need to talk or want company. Let me know if you'd like my email and we can exchange (I'd rather not leave it in on a public forum).  DON"T GIVE UP. I was sitting in muddy water crying because I couldn't find a vein only a year ago.  Now I am 2 semesters away from medical school, in which I will hopefully become a Psychiatrist for children and adolescents suffering from abuse, trauma, and debilitating mental disease.  I am the untold story of success that needs to be heard to provide hope and knowledge. All we can do is all we do, if not what are we even doing here?  Keep fighting till the bitter end because even though you don't reach the desired result, you may be helping someone else.  I pray for all my brothers and sisters that are struggling with addiction today. There is a way out, all you have to do is open the door.

My teenage son is in recovery.  We are two years in (he has used longer than this, but this is how long we have known of the trouble).  This is what we have experienced and learned thus far: -We wear all of this on our sleeves among friends, colleagues, doctors, school administrators and family (which can often be the toughest place to be candid).  Nearly everyone we've spoken with has been kind and supportive.  Our willingness to speak about the problems has encouraged others to confide is us, either about the very same problem, or another problem which is similarly tough in terms of stigma and solution.  It is a true act of service to let these circumstances be out in the open.  -We regard this as a family disease.  Not because we are wedded to the idea that addiction is literally a disease, or because the "family disease" is a tenet of AA/Al Anon (which it is).  It is simply that the general idea fits.  When we looked at our family environment, there were obvious troubles:  anxiety, depression, poor communication, pressure, some undeniable chaos in the atmosphere.  My husband and I both have alcoholic parents and addiction gives shape to a great deal. It shapes people and environments. Did we then cause our son's troubles?  Did our parents cause our son's troubles?  I don't think so.  But our troubled environment created "risk factors."  Our son drank; we contributed to the environment from which he may have needed some escape.  Working on ourselves, right alongside the work our son has been doing, has been a welcome change.   -Kids, particularly teenagers, aren't always as secure as they may outwardly appear.  I found the book "Nice Recovery" very moving and helpful.  My son looked one way on the outside but, on the inside, I suspect he may have felt very like the young woman in this memoir.  Look for small signs as a parent.  The big, macro-level signs may be pointing you in the wrong direction. -Drugs alter your brain.  They reduce the amount of dopamine your brain produces.  If you're addicted, you aren't using drugs to feel great, you are using them in a desperate attempt to feel normal, because your brain chemistry has been so radically compromised.  I want to call this out, because it explained a lot to me about why discontinuing drug use is so incredibly hard for an addict. They don't get a healthy brain back right away, the minute they discontinue use.  They have to live with a brain that lives with far less of the critical neurotransmitter that makes a person feel happy and at ease.  Hopefully, in time, this system recovers.  But the beginning of recovery is brutal. -There is some interesting evidence that substance abuse is a form of compulsive behavior ("7 Tools to Beat Addiction" by Stanton Peele). This hypothesis makes sense empirically, because many people in recovery report that they immediately take up another obsession.  It's often a less risky obsession (like working too much rather than drinking too much), but maybe it suggests a slightly different way of looking at addiction.  It can be scary and confusing to read on the subject of addiction.  Experts don't all agree, and stories are invariable harrowing.  However, we bear a significant responsibility to look at different viewpoints.  Those of us who are "in this" can't turn to anyone or anything and be sure of answers and solutions.  The understanding of addiction is still evolving. -I am not religious, but I have gotten incredible and invaluable help from Al Anon.  I got my smile back in a small room in a church in a neighboring town.  In Al Anon meetings you are encouraged to take care of yourself.  It is something that we often fail to do when we are terrified about the survival of another person, yet it is essential. -Finally, if you are a parent, please consider putting your alcohol and prescription drugs under lock and key.  The most common place that kids access substances is in our own homes.

My son's birth mother is a recovering heroine addict.  My son was born addicted to methadone.  Heroine sucks.  And it sucks the life out of the addict.  I love you and love this post.  Thinking of you.

My husband has been a recovering addict for 23 years.  His life of addiction did not start out like your brother's.  My husband started drinking at the age of 8.  Not because he wanted to or succumbed to peer pressure but because if he didn't match shot for shot with his father, he would have been beaten.  Drinking then became a way to avoid the abuse and a way to deaden the emotional pain.  After a while alcohol didn't deaden the pain anymore and at the age of 12 he started smoking marijuana and the cycle of pain, drugs, pain, stronger drugs, pain, and finally a failed drug overdose that nearly killed him, began. 

Addicts are master manipulators.  They will say or do anything to get their next fix.  They will use any excuse to keep using.  When someone else blames themselves for the addict's behavior, the addict uses as it an excuse to justify their drug use.  "It's so and so's fault."  They are so driven by their physical need they don't care who they hurt and families are destroyed in the process. 

I, on the other hand, was the family member watching a loved one destroy themselves, little by little.  Unlike most, I got downright mean about it.  We had been together for a year when he started using again.  He made the conscience choice to use, not me, not his father...him.  And I made sure he understood that it was HIS choice, that he couldn't blame anyone else but himself.  Once he stopped blaming his drug use on his father and admitted it was HIS choice, he took ownership of his addictive behavior.  And only then was he willing and able to change.

My husband now counsels addicts, some with his history and some like your brother's.  Together we counsel the families.  What your dad is feeling, I hate to say, is normal and one of the hardest things we deal with in our counseling sessions.  We don't allow the "blame or shame" game.  While some parent(s) are responsible for their children initiation into drug use (either by force or by example), others, like your dad, are not.  Either way, the addict at some point has the choice to use or stop. We discuss the concept of OWNERSHIP in both individual and family sessions.  While my husband's addiction started as a means of survival, he chose to continue using and using stronger drugs.  He knew what he was doing was destructive.  He knew that it would eventually kill him if he didn't chose to stop.  It was HIS choice.  It is your brother's choice.

You obviously love your father very much, so I have a blunt question...Have you ever told your dad exactly what you wrote here?  While he may not be ready to listen...it is something that he desperately needs to hear. 

I, too, am all for getting rid of stigmas for anything, addiction or mental illness. I talk about my past abuse and my depression and anxiety because if I don't speak the truth, then I allow the stigma to consume me and I will never completely heal. If I don't talk, then I am allowing it to control me.  Not speaking of it in a way is denying that it happens.  For me personally, this has more to do with my severe anxiety.  If someone looks down on me because of this, that is their problem.  I'm not responsible for what other people think. If I make someone uncomfortable because I had a nervous breakdown, that is their issue.  I also feel the same way about my openness helping someone else out.  The worst thing you can feel is like you're going through it alone. If my sharing my experiences helps someone else out, it's worth having ten people looking down their nose at me because I have panic attacks.

It's not easy to get to this point, though.  I had to come to it after going through therapy.  I used to be embarrassed to talk about this, too.  There's also some fear that factors into this.  Even though it's a public fear of what other people think, it's really a deeper fear of having to admit to what the person considers a weakness. 

I am all for breaking the silence of stigmas Chef's widow.  It sounds like we're the same age, and both have stories filled with stigmas, but refuse to let it stop us.  Using word to tell our story gives the power back to us, and away from the words themselves.  I commend you for speaking up.  My husband was an ex-addict, pulled through, but suffered with mental illness, and committed suicide the day before our daughter's 2nd birthday.  These are complex issues, and I love meeting people who can live in the freedom of not being bound by them, but rather shining a light on them.  Thank you.

The connection to improper treatment of medical and psychological issues is so relevant.  Everyone in my family who developed addiction problems were, in fact, suffering from medical conditions as a precursor to addiction.  I never did anything but smoke cigarettes but it was because of stereotypes.  When I had a lot of bad surgical outcomes..all of a sudden alcohol helped.  I have no addictions but I know a young boy who fell prey when he was so stressed from bullies at school he developed mono and then..guess what..and a brother who had severe vision issues from the start and who was gay, and a sister who after surgery, again, developed problems because of medication.  Parents are not medical professionals most of the time.

Thank you so much for writing this.  I have a similar situation with my own brother.  As I write that, I'm almost sick that one of my parents will somehow read this and read me the riot act for just saying so.   It's ravaged the last ten years of my life.  I haven't been able to do the kinds of things that you describe yourself doing from the stress.  But in my case, I clearly see my parents as enablers.  Sure, they didn't cause my brother to start with alcohol and pot, and move on to worse, but they continue to sweep things under the rug until now it's so serious and so dire he is facing years in jail.  Which causes my fears for my parents' safety to skyrocket.  The anger that I feel toward their inability to say "no" to the simplest things, and their gross toleration of disrespect cripples me.    And my parents are so shameful they won't see therapists (of course, my dad doesn't think he needs one) and my mother had cut off most of her friends. Which in most cases, is ridiculous; most have someone similar in their family and aren't jackasses about it.  Okay, some are, but there's always a donkey in the herd.  I called adult protective services on my mother after my brother punched her a few years ago and she was madder at ME than at him.  

I admire your ability to separate yourself from the fray, to go off and have your business and your family and your relationships.  Good for you!  And I don't mean that sarcastically.  It means a lot to me that someone just simply CAN.  

My best friend's brother died because of a heroin addiction. My nephew is in jail because of a heroin addiction. It's a bad choice made ONE time that can never be changed. I hope your dad will find peace in knowing that this wasn't his doing.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am the daughter of an addict and we are all easily deceived into thinking that no one understands how it feels to love an addict and the worry, the frustration, the guilt... that accompanies that love. Your parents are very lucky to have a daughter willing to stand up to it. Prayers for you and your family.

I am so sorry. It seems like a never ending battle doesn't it? I hope he finds the light he needs to make it through and I hope your parents can get past their shame. No matter what it's NOT THEIR FAULT.

xo

I am so grateful for your honestly in this post. I have a meth addict for a brother. He is not the same boy I grew up with either. He is gray. He does not love. He does not think of others. He steals. He doesn't care anymore. It breaks my heart and my parents, whom he lives with, refuse to acknowledge it at all. We cannot even get him help because of their warped, shamed view. I miss my brother and yet I can see him still, speak to him still, and yet, here I am left, missing him because while I can see him, he is not present in the way he once was.