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A few bloggers I follow (Maria Niles, Rita Arens, and Blondie) have each posted lists of five things they meant to do in 2009. They inspired me to do the same, but instead of focusing on what I didn't do (because really, let's be honest: it could fill a year's worth of posts), I'm going to concentrate on five things I did in 2009. It was a rough year, but because so much of it was spent in darkness, the shining moments were all the brighter.
1. I demolished one home and built another.
Ok. Demolishing sounds harsh, but divorce is essentially just that. It's knocking down a termite-ridden structure and from the wreckage building something stronger and more sustainable. I've done that. Together with my good friend who has also been going through a divorce, we've swept away the splinters and the mess and joined households to create a new, different kind of home for our three girls. A home where at any given moment it is okay to feel whatever we are feeling. A home where there are people to cry with if we need to cry or dance with if we need to dance (or drink with if we need to drink). A home where the children - and their mothers - are loved for who they are and what they offer the world, and where they are told they are loved...over and over and over again until they believe it. It's a refuge against the cold. An anchor in choppy waters. It's a home.
2. I made my physical and emotional health a priority.
I recently wrote about yoga and how it saved me from the brink of insanity. Making my health a priority was as much for me as it was for my daughter. This past year especially, I needed to have enough energy to be present for her - to raise her the way I want to raise her. I also needed to feel that something about me wasn't a failure. If I looked and felt sexy, centered and energetic, I had a natural armor against some of the unhappiness that pervaded my life. Now that I'm on more stable ground, I am even more committed to continuing my practice of yoga and eating more healthfully. I'm hoping this next year I can deepen the commitment even more.
3. I created options for the future.
Some days I know I was born to work with teenagers, and I sit in my office in my current school after talking with them and can't imagine doing anything else. Other days, I strain against the confines of the structure of our educational system, and I want to run...to anywhere but schools in a country that rewards wealth and power, test scores and "data" rather than honoring community, culture, and learning. I sheepishly admit my school is a haven from much of this, but only for 200 girls. There are hundreds of thousands of others who aren't so lucky, and there are days when attempting to change the system for them -for all of us - is mired in quicksand.
I've used this year to think about what I want from my career. From my life. And honestly, I still don't know - especially when I weigh in reality vs. idealism. Images run through my mind, though - beautiful images of freedom and flexibility, of awaking in the morning energized by the projects awaiting me. Pictures of leisurely morning walks with my daughter to her school, of reading and writing in coffee shops and sun-filled libraries. Images of creating.
We'll see what happens, but this spring I'll know what the next school year brings. I've created options for myself - options I can't discuss in detail here - and whichever I end up embracing could make this time next year look very different. And I'm excited. It's been a long time since the open road was winding for me.
4. I fell in love again with my daughter.
She sleeps, and my eyes travel over her. Her eyelashes are long and dark against the paleness of her upper cheeks; the roundness of her face curves into her naturally ruby lips. When I brush the hair back that has fallen across her forehead, she stirs and snuggles deeper into her blankets, her fingers clutching her green stuffed monkey close. My chest is so
