Shoulda Woulda Coulda

During infertility treatments, I sought counseling to deal with the roller coaster that had become our life. It really helped and my therapist became a reference for our adoption home study. The first time she met me, I sobbed uncontrollably. I put myself out there. Can’t cry at work, crying myself to sleep was getting old fast…and there she was…all understanding and just listening. At the second appointment, she said ” you use the word ‘should’ a lot”.

Shoulda Woulda Coulda, I thought. A good episode of Sex and the City. But she was right….why was I being so hard on myself and saying “it should be this way” or if only…..

It’s the hand we were dealt and the journey, although hard, taught me a lot about myself. I learned that when I put my mind to something, I hold on as long as I can. I learned that the timeline that I’d imagined as a kid was just that….imaginary. I needed to let go and move on….yet I couldn’t. Even now, being a mom, I still struggle with my identity, the “shoulda’s” and get mad when people take pregnancy for granted. I think I will always relate to infertility and feel connected to it…..but I need to let it go and move on with my daily life.

But how? That calendar and trips to UVA and Richmond and pills, injections, blood samples every two weeks….it was a part of our daily lives for 6 years.


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