This shouldn't be happening..

Something has gone wrong.  Horribly wrong.  I should be looking at baby things. Soft, beautiful baby things.  Things with puppies and monkeys in pretty colors in soft fabrics that feel fuzzy and warm.

Except I'm not. I'm looking at urns.  A fucking urn.  For a baby. MY baby.  Cold and hard things in metal and wood and marble. 

This isn't right.

This isn't fair.

I hardly even had a chance to do those things.

I don't even know what went wrong.  I don't even have any answers.  He's just gone. My baby is gone. I don't get to buy more baby things. I get to buy things for dead people.  Because Xavier's dead.

It doesn't seem real.  I still can't believe it happened. I mean, I know it happened...I was there.  My husband was there...I remember that....he was upset, and crying, and MAD....I was calm, I remember that, oddly calm.  I remember wondering why I was so calm.  I think it was because I thought I was going to wake up soon.  I didn't wake up. It happened. 84 days ago it happened.  And it must have happened because I still haven't woken up from that horrible nightmare.

Xavier went to bed.  And just never woke up.

He was 26 days old.


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