Show me your BOOOOOBS!!

Raise you hand if someone screamed this at you in your lifetime.


Now, how about in the last month?


How about on a family kyaking trip down a river?


Okay, now if anyone else still has their hand raised, please, console me in the humility that I will forever be reminded of.


Like an elephant, my family never forgets.


You're asking yourself, "Okay, what?! Explain yourself." Well, as you know we went on our annual camping trip two weeks ago. As part of this trip we went down river in kyaks for four hours as a family. There was much fun to be had and like everyone else on the river, we had plenty of alcohol to get us through the time.


We saw lots of interesting sights secondary to everyone else's alcohol consumption. Thankfully, ours wasn't to excess. Otherswise, this story may have had a different ending. Much more humiliating than it already is.


One boy pooped in the woods near the end of our trip down river. As we passed, we watched as a poop-covered back and butt dipped into the river, his friends all laughing and pointing. We made mental notes from that point on not to get out of the water.


At another point, a group of about ten women wearing shot glasses around their necks and bottles of tequila were sitting on a sand bar taking shots and singing. This was my kid of party! I contemplated stopping for my signature shot, but alas, I kept to my pucker-spiked mountain dew.


But before all of this. Before the kid who shit his pants on the river and the bachelorette party on a sand bar, there was drunk girl on a tube.


O drunk girl on a tube. You will live in infamy in the tales of my family. Infamy I tell you.


A group of very intoxicated young people inhibited the square footage of a small apartment on one bend of the river about half way through our trip. All on tubes. All drunk. One screaming to passerby-ers "SHOW ME YOUR BOOOOOOBS!" I could hear it as we rounded the bend towards them. Keep to this side of the river. Don't make eye contact. Just keep going.


One mischievious and brave girl gave into the taunts and, well, flashed the screaming mob on tubes. I was up next. Just keep paddling. Don't make eye contact.




I could hear her screaming, "O COME ON, SHOW ME YOUR BOOOOOBS!!" We we just barely past them. And then, it happened. We hit a sand bar. We were stuck. I clammored out of the kyak as did Blain, to get ourselves unstuck. We hustled over to deeper waters, which was a 90-degree drop off on the edge. We both tried to get in. I was rushing. I was worried. This girl was still screaming. "SHOW ME YOUR BOOOOBS!!"


Just get in the kyak. We are not graceful. We tipped. The whole lot, right over. Everything underwater. My sandals floating down river.


My family? They were several yards ahead of us, now parking their water-going crafts on the edge to watch what was about to happen. It was like a train wreck. Unfolding before their teary eyes as they laughed themselves nearly out of their own kyaks.


You see, while we scrambled to collect our belongings, said drunk girl on a tube was paddling her drunk little self closer to us. "O COME ON, SHOW ME YOUR BOOOOOBS!! ... I'VE GOTTA QUESSHION ... CAN YOU SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS?? YOU'VE GOT NICE ONES! COME ON??? OKAY, JUST ONE. YOU JUST NEED TO SHOW ME ONE!"


I literally had a look on my face that is near indescribable. Flat mouth. Pressed lips. And eyes wide open ... praying that she didn't catch up to us. Because I'm confident that two more feet closer and she would have flew out of that tube and ripped off my bathing suit.


My family literally died in that moment. We jumped into the kyak and started paddling. My husband beside himself with rolling laughter. We paddled. Past the onlookers who were nearly laughing in the poison ivy on the banks. Past my family, jaws open at the "Did that REALLY just happen?" of it all.


Dear drunk girl on a tube ... My family thanks you for the years and years of torment and jokes that will derive from said episode on the river. Infamy. And now, your drunken story will entertain the masses through my little blog.

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