Silence Is Intimidating

Not speaking leaves you alone with your own thoughts.  You attempt to override them with television and the internet but the truth of the matter is that even as you watch the Law & Order: SVU marathon, you're thinking.  I left for a while to get away and be alone with my thoughts.  I needed to not be in a space where I was constantly worrying about fixing other peoples' problems and could work on re-energizing myself.  One thing I've learned is that the only way that will happen is if you TAKE it.  People will not stop coming to you because....well because they may not care that you're so stressed that the right side of your face has fallen and you're afraid you've suffered a stroke or they may not realize that you're being weighed down.  All they know is about they problems they bring to you.  They don't realize or understand that you've got a sick husband (that you're going to worry about regardless of anything else because you love him), a father with cancer who doesn't take medicine because the doctor has told him that at this point his quality of life should be his major concern (let that sink in), an uncle that has had a heart attack and is now on life support, and 3 jobs.  I recently had someone tell me that 'people don't know what all a person has going on in their life when they choose to push their buttons.'  That is such a true statement.  So true that I had to convey it to people I see daily.  I could blow at any minute.

So I stepped away in an attempt to get some peace for myself.  Part of that adventure involved a speaking fast.  I wanted to spend some time in silence to ground my thoughts and get some focus.  I carry with me something that Anthony Williams told me earlier this year.....if we don't want to be with our thoughts....what makes us think anyone else will.

Deep I know.  So I've been here with my thoughts and my first instinct is to run.  You see I'm a runner.  When faced with adversity, disagreement, or things not going my way.....I move.  And my thoughts right now are not happy happy joy joy.  As a matter of fact, I'm being forced to accept that I'm a runner.  That's the prevalent thought surrounding me right now.  That I run and can't run from life.  If I can't run I have to stay and fight.  That scares me.  I have run from jobs when they weren't what I wanted anymore.  I have run from ideas I didn't agree with.  I ran from my marriage when my feelings were hurt.  I'm a runner.  Has running played a part in the stress in my life?

It's been almost a week and I expected to come out of this feeling happy happy joy joy.  I'm nowhere near that.  I actually don't feel any differently than I did a week ago.  I still feel a heavy weight of stress on my shoulders and don't know what to do about it.  My first step is to go home because I'm not comfortable here.  I looked so forward to getting away (running) that I ignored the lack of the comforts of home that I'd be running from.

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