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He Breaks Up With You.
Anything other than that is just about who he is and who you are, and who and what you're both looking for and how you choose to live.
No, Hunky Actor Boyfriend and I didn't break up; that's not what this post is about. This post is about commenters who think my boyfriend "just isn't that into me." (Over at Everyday Goddess.) Despite my rant-y tone, I do appreciate your concern and your taking the step to express it. But.
My boyfriend currently works long, physical shifts most weekends. I work weekdays and two nights a week. He's an actor (slash lighting guy), I'm trying to be a director, and we both live in Los Angeles far from our respective past homes. We've both been single in our thirties. We're both only children. We're both ambitious and idealistic and relatively intellectual.
We're a little nuts, and we're not simple folk. Come on, people, we live in the La La.
Sometimes, he doesn't want to share the three hours he's got with his friends he hasn't seen in 9 months. Sometimes, I am a complete freak about money. Sometimes, he's an adult who knows he needs sleep. Sometimes, I call him with inevitably horrible timing and need to express something that's going on in my mind.
So far, we're dealing with each other's foibles with communication and a lot of hugs.
And sometimes, we sit in a Starbucks and work on our screenplays. Or go to the movies and then talk and talk and talk about books and film and L.A. and life. Or lay in bed naked until he has to be the grown-up and kick me out so that one of us isn't exhausted at work the next day. Did I mention the wonderful, wonderful hugging?
And it's the beginning time and the figuring out time, and it's not my favorite time in a relationship, truly, it makes me uncomfortable and scared and insecure. You can't actually comprehend my discomfort with the beginning time. But time must be taken, and things will shake out the way they do, and we will find our way one way or another, Hunky Actor Boyfriend and I.
There is merit in the "he's not that into you" concept, but I believe it's folly to see things as quite so black and white. Particularly when you're dealing with unique careers and forming a partnership far from traditional ways of being. We are charting our own unique course, and as difficult as I may find it at times, it is what I want. Me the director. Him the actor. Both of us with time to pursue our own things, and time to be together. Both of us free to say, hey, this may seem odd to you, but it's what I need right now - And be safe in the knowledge that the other person is going to respond with respect even when they have difficulty understanding.
Honestly, I've been looking for that my whole life, so I'm not running away because of my fears and what I've been taught by a self-help book. I need a relationship based on the kind of trust and understanding that can sustain while someone's away for three months shooting a movie in Prague, or down the street but completely immersed in directing a television show for three weeks, or locking lips with a sexy actress (who weighs 116 lbs.) on screen for everyone to see. That last one would be him, not me.
But hey, if I am a fool, I'm a big one, and I'll be sure to blog about it.
And again, despite my tone, I do appreciate the concern.
~
Related Reading:
more inanity (second bullet point)
Aniston to star in 'He's Just not that into you' (with Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Connelly, Kevin Connolly, Bradley Cooper, Justin Long, and Ginnifer Goodwin)
He's Just Not That Into You (a Christian review)
Life, Love lessons (she says it's not that simple)
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
