*singing* na na na na na na BATWOMAN

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008, 7AM.....I lie fast asleep on the couch, smooshed beneath my canine companion, when I hear a blood curdling scream come from upstairs. Dazed and confused, the dog slowly opening one eye, looking at me like "WTF....I'm sleeping".....I shout upstairs....."Baby, what is it baby?", just to hear in response a string of new screams, through which I decipher one word being repeated over and over "BAT, BAT, there's a BAT!"....followed shortly by, "OH FUCK! I think it got out!"....this leading me to ask "Got out of where?"...."THE OFFICE!" Now, until this moment in time I truly believed that should my wife ever be in emminate danger from anything I would rush to her side and heroically slay whatever beast she may face, unless that beast happens to resemble a hideous rodent with wings, in that case, my ass stays frozen to the couch!

Shortly after I hear, "Lily, no, no, no!" (Explanation for those unaware of typical lesbian households: we have 1 dog, and 4 cats, yes we have 5 animals, we're lesbians, that is just how it is). Then I hear a door slam, praying that it is the office door with the bat on the other side of that door, I yell up the stairs again, still with my ass glued to the couch, "Is it shut in the office?" My panicked wife responds back in a still slightly hysterical but rather calm considering the circumstances voice, "Yes" then some hesitation, "I think it bit me."

Now in case any of you should ever, ever have to hear those words yourself, be assured that the proper response is "OH FUCK!".....so, it is approximately now 7:05 AM, the day before New Years Eve, I am off from work, expecting to have a joyous day at home with my Wife, our dog, and our 4 cats, and now visions of my wife foaming at the mouth are dancing through my head! I reiterate..."OH FUCK!". She comes down the stairs, I have her lift her hair, and sure as shit, there are two tiny puncture marks at the base of her neck.....again with the "OH FUCK". But wait for it, wait for it, this is perhaps the most horrifying part yet......so I ask in a calm and soothing voice...."What happened?", unprepared for what I was about to hear.

"Well, I woke up around 6, unable to sleep, so I went into the computer room to work on my blog. I'm typing away for quite a while. I yelled at Tristan for knocking things over in the closet, and I felt a tickle on my neck. I shook my head, and then I felt a bite, and a bat came flying out of my hair."

Now, just as a warning to those who may have to face this situation in the future, my reaction to my wife's report of events is probably the one that I SHOULD NOT have had....for after I had a few moments to process this horrific scene that she placed in my head, I began to laugh....yes, that's right, I laughed, I did try to comfort her while I laughed.....but I get the distinct feeling that at that moment laughing was the wrong response, I'm just sayin.

After these few moments of laughter we grab the phone book and start debating on where we should call to find out what needs to be done. We have a couple of problems, we know that because she was bit we need to know if the bat has rabies, so we need to know who to contact about this issue. Secondly there is still a very much alive, possibly rabid, bat flying around in our office. We decide the first call should be to animal control, hoping they could take care of all concerns in one shot. I dial the number, and WTF the number is disconnected, I frantically try again as another image of a rabid wife floats through my head. Again, I get that annoying little message saying that the number has been disconnected.

Now what? At this point my wife begins to text every single person we know and whom is listed in her contacts list on her cell phone. During this time she gives the suggestion that we call the county Public Health office, something she had read about in another blog where another lesbian couple has these unfortunate circumstances to go through. I call, the office isn't open yet, so I leave a message on their voicemail asking for help. In the mean time my wife begins to receive text messages back, all suggesting that she call a vet, which we raise an eyebrow to. Of course we have a vet, with 5 animals we have a vet that we love and trust, but we are humans, not cats or dogs! After it seems like we are hopeless, after leaving desperate messages on many voicemails, we decide, what the heck, call the vet!

The wonderful ladies at the vet clinic did not seemed phased one bit by my strange request and proceeded to give me a number to a place where we would have to get the bat tested for rabies. I call this ominous number, in the mean time the Public Health department calls back and proceeds to talk with my wife. Her face seemed to go white many times while talking with Ms. Public Health lady....it seemed that since the bite was on my wife's neck, near the spinal chord and brain, that she was in danger of getting rabies faster then if she were bit in the hand or the foot. This meant that we needed to capture the terrifying bat alive, double bag it (yes, I said double bag it), then proceed to transport it on our own a half hour a way where they would proceed to dissect it's brain. Oh, and we had to write "LIVE BAT" on whatever we double bagged it in. Oh, and she would most likely need to get the first rabies shots, just to be safe.

We suited up, long pants, long sleeved shirts, coats with hoods, combat boots, gloves, brooms, and our handy dandy gladware container. We were armed for rodent war! We sneak open the office door, cowering behind each other, waving our hands about our heads as to protect ourselves from being dive bombed. Both barely able to move from fear! There it sat, sleeping, perched on the frame to the closet door, so small, brown, and almost peaceful looking. How could such a small creature cause such havoc?! Both my wife and I are very short stature women, meaning, in order to place our wonderful gladware container over the top of this tiny brown creature, one of us would need to climb on top of a step stool and be face to face with vampire boy. Now my vote of course was for the wife to do it, after all, she'd already been bitten, only made sense that if someone was going to be bitten again it should be her! No sense in me having to get rabies shots too! She wasn't completely buying this level of reasoning. Needless to say, we were both too damn chicken to do it...so we proceeded to call one of our good guy friends and beg him to come over and help us.

Thankfully our friend did come over, with three kids in tow! While we huddled in fear downstairs, talking with the kids about their Christmas, he bravely fought the ravenous creature upstairs and returned victorious where all the kids yelled and jumped, because they wanted to hold the bat, while our ever so sensitive canine friend enjoyed endless crotch sniffing possibilities! We thanked our friend and his little munchkin buddies, placed our double bagged rat friend in the fridge to cool off, and headed to the ER for the poke fest!

Oh, how do I love the ER! My wife and I had just been there a couple of months ago when my body decided it needed to get pneumonia, so I was not really all that thrilled to be returning again. My wife REALLY didn't want to be there. After negotiations, and promises of ice cream, Ruby Tuesday, and sushi, we were finally sitting there ready for shots. Of course we first had to explain a few hundred times that we were indeed "partners", along with the telling and retelling of the traumatic bat incident just that morning. Two and a half hours, and 6 shots later we leave the ER. We went through new negotiations as we left the hospital and headed to the Public Health Office where we needed to pick up the appropriate paper work needed to process our vampire friend's brain at the research lab.

After acquiring all the appropriate paper work, we swung by the house, grabbed our freshly chilled fanged friend, a couple of sodas, and our crotch sniffing friend and headed on our BATWOMAN mission! We successfully delivered our bat friend, and headed home. We joked and laughed about the days events, and realized, "Hey....if we can make it through rabies together, we can make it through anything together!"

Overall, definitely a day to remember...one filled with heebeegeebees and laughter, one not soon forgot. A day I will happily remember forever!


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