The Single Girl's Whine

Every now and again I have to let loose a bit and whine about men. (Sorry, boys.) It's a way to let off some steam about being single and dateless before I end up picking outside of eHarmony's headquarters. (For the record, they've rejected me three times. I fully believe it's because I'm fat. Their so-called personality test is more about how physically fit and active you are, not your personality at all.)

I think what has made it harder on women is feminism, the sexual revolution, and technology.

While I enjoy some aspects of feminism, I feel like I'm missing out on many of the pleasures of being a woman. If I drop something no man rushes to help pick it up. I never get courted or wooed - the last time a man showed interest in me he was stinking drunk and mauling me on a dance floor - with his girlfriend's encouragement. (I was afraid because the guy was drunk and military trained. I kept looking for help but everyone just ignored us. One woman even rolled her eyes at me. I was utterly miserable.) Guys wearing hats never tip them to me or any woman. I'm not joking when I say I've met guys whom are so afraid of being called a male chauvinist pig they won't even open a door for a woman who's arms are full. Many is the time I've either been ignored or watched other women be ignored while they struggled with a door handle and a heavy package.

My own brother will not help me unload the car after taking mom shopping. I'm the one whom has to carry in the 24 case of bottled water and other heavy things. He just sits on his butt. When I ask for help he says no. Though I feel a real man helps without being asked.

At this point if anyone, male or female, offered to help me unload the car, I'd probably burst into tears.

I firmly believe it is the man's duty, privilege, and honor to make the first move. Not to mention in this world where women are under constant pressure to fit into society's standard of beauty it really makes us feel good. We need the ego boost.

Yet I've had at least one guy and several feminists tell me that because I won't make the first move that I'm "not a real woman."

Then there's the sexual revolution. Let's face it, thanks to that many men expect women to drop their pants and have sex without getting to know each other. And I've known many women whom are happy to do this, claiming it empowers them, when it really degrades them. Making it harder on those of us whom want a real relationship, not just cheap sex.

Technology has replaced the coffee date. There's no romance anymore. No holding hands or quick, soft kisses under street lights. They think a few e-mails is enough to get to know a person. When you need to spend time in their presence, see their quirks in person, to really know them. Whatever happened to them picking you up, taking you to a quiet dinner, and talking?

And of course so many guys are terrified of public displays of affection. I don't mean the full on might as well be having sex in public kind. I'm talking about holding hands, hugging, little things like that. They actually refer to it as "disgusting."

*sighs* Look, guys, you all kind of owe me some PDAs for the way your gender has treated me. I'm not lying or joking when I say I have had guys say to me "You're a nice person, but you're too fat to be seen with in public/you're so fat I'd be ashamed to be seen with you in public." I need someone to hold my hand, put his hand on my back, offer me his arm, give me quick soft kisses, brush the hair from my face - all those little PDAs that show you care and say to the world, "I'm NOT ashamed to be seen with this woman, I'm proud to be with her."

Of course, I'd first have to meet a guy whom isn't afraid to make the first move.

Here's what I look for in a man -

1: Must be open minded enough to believe in God.

(Despite what many people think, this does NOT mean I want a fundamentalist Fred Phelps type. Phelps and his followers are NOT real Christians because they do not follow the real teachings of Jesus Christ - like "love they neighbor." I don't believe in one true religion. I believe all faiths have value - that there are many paths to the same destination. My own personal beliefs more closely follow a mix of Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform Judaism. Of course, my maternal ancestry is Jewish, which makes me, as Rabbi Edelman put it "As Jewish as Moses, Abraham, and Barbara Streisand.")

2: Must love dogs.

(No explanation needed.)

3: Must have similar taste in music to me.

(This does NOT mean I want someone with the exact same taste. If he prefers Neil Diamond to Barry Manilow, Frank Sinatra to Sammy Davis Jr, The Beatles to Elvis, or Benny Goodman to Glenn Miller, this is good. What I don't want is someone who'll call me names and/or throw a hissy fit when I play Tom Jones instead of Megadeth or Garth Brooks. Music is extremely important to me. If God came to me and said "You can have either true love - a man who'll worship the ground you walk on, or you can have a career singing the songs you love, but always alone in the end" music would win. Music comes before everything except God.)

4: No drugs, no smoking (former smokers okay), moderate drinking.

(I already had to put up with one brother whom was a drug addict and another whom is a recovered alcoholic. I'm a militant anti-smoker and believe it should be outlawed. Since it's the only habit that is not only slow suicide but mass murder as well. I have about one beer a year so I'd like to be with someone whom won't look down on me when I take the rare drink and whom won't belittle me for not drinking either.)

5: A man who'll make the first move.

(I'm so sick of guys whining about how women "only go for jerks." It's because the jerks are the only ones with the backbone to buck off the psycho uber feminist bullcrap and make the first move. We want nice guys, but nice guys with a backbone, not cowards.)

6: A man not afraid of small PDAs.

7: Must enjoy reading. And I mean books, not the sports section of the newspaper. (If he also enjoys comic books/graphic novels that's a plus, but not a must - just as long as he doesn't belittle me for liking comic books.)

Now the shallow stuff -

I'm ONLY attracted to OLDER men. This is NOT, despite what people think, mean I was molested by and older man (yes, I was sexually assaulted - BY BOYS MY OWN AGE - but I was attracted to older men LONG before I even knew what the difference between boys and girls was). I'm NOT looking for a sugar daddy - I'm perfectly willing to be part of a two income family though it would be preferable if he worked full time and I worked part time so I had time to work on music. My father is STILL a big part of my life so I am NOT looking for a father figure either.

The fact is, I get along better mentally and emotionally with older men. I find older men more sexually attractive. I'd much rather be with a man in his 60s then a boy in his 30s.

Anyway, I feel it's a big hypocritical double standard that a woman can chase after and even marry a boy half her age while a woman who would like to be with a man twice her age "needs help." Why is it Demi Moore is "empowered" while Harrison Ford is "a dirty old man"? That is very, very hypocritical.

I like my men with short hair and clean shaven.

I like tall, kind of scrawny guys. To me a guy who's 6 feet tall or taller and about 144 pounds is way sexier then someone who's built like Brad Pitt.

Good personal hygiene. I take a bath every single day. I use antiperspirant and perfume. I do my best to smell good. I expect him to do the same.

And yes, I'd like to, for once, date a man with a job. I don't mind paying for dates now and again. But it would be nice to have him pay too. My parents raised me to believe that the asker pays unless otherwise agreed upon. If he asks me, then he pays. If I ask him, then I pay.

I have never been on a date where the guy actually paid.

Okay, I've only ever had one boyfriend. (Though I briefly "dated" this boy in jr. high, I never thought of him as a boyfriend.) He never paid for a single date - never had a job while I was with him. Of course he also verbally abused me. He was an atheist and a Star Wars fan. I believe in God and prefer the more hopeful future of Star Trek. He was always calling me stupid and an idiot because I didn't agree 100% with him on his beliefs and his likes. (Which is why I'm so firm on things like God and music. I'm NEVER going to allow some man to make me feel bad for not being his female clone again. I'd rather be alone forever then settle for someone who'll call me names.) I dumped him when he started to grab me really hard, bruising my arms, and shaking his fist at me, threatening to hit me. This from a guy who said he'd never hit a woman even if she asked him to for sexual stimulation.

It was always the same. He'd arrange for the date, then when we got to the restaurant he'd say "You'll have to pay."

Just once I'd like to experience a guy paying. *sighs* Even if it's Soup Plantation!

Actually I like Soup Plantation, a lot. When you're a picky eater and have a lot of food allergies like me places like Soup Plantation are a blessing.

I don't see this happening, mind you. Every guy I meet is either a coward or finds me repulsive. I'm probably going to never date again.

What amazes me is when I give women my list, they tell me I'm "too picky." Yet these same women say "I'd never date a guy with short hair" or "I'd never date a guy who didn't have at least one tattoo." Physical appearance is more important to them then personality or how they'll be treated. They'd rather be with a long haired, tattooed guy who might end up beating the crap out of them, then a clean cut guy with no tattoos who'd treat them like a queen. And a lot of these women are in my own age group or older! (I'm 33.)

At least my list is mostly about the mental and emotional things. About him treating me with respect and kindness. Not calling me names and all that crap I've been through so many times from friends, family, peers, and random strangers.

As my Grandma Pavlick used to say, "You can never be too picky." It's better to be alone all your life then to settle for someone who'll make you miserable.

 

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