Single? Then You Know The Pity Face

I have seen that face..I was 38 when I was married, and then widowed at 40...got another "pity" face...  Oh boy...  

awww, the pity face. LOL

I've seen it a few times, it's annoying but a little funny and makes me smile ;) how ironic that I sometimes secretly pity them!

I congrates you! Pity face or not, Your a women with your own accomlished women! Lucky to have made your way! I have had two beautiful chidren, but many abusive realationships!

Concider yourself awesome not to put yourself in those situations for the old school purposes! I love my kids (Now that II Know them LOl) Your niece is yours too! Tc be happy! If it is ment to be it will happen!

Here is what is funny about The Pity Face... IT NEVER ENDS.

I didn't get married until I was 26. So, I got The Pity Face for many years through college and several years out of college. I got married and seriously, atleast once figured, "FINALLY I'll stop getting hassled about being single." (No, I didn't get married for that reason, LOL, I truly love my husband and am a huge fan of being married.) But nooooo...

The Pity Face then became, "Oh you don't have kids yet?"

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!??! I am happy in my life. I will have kids when/if we want to... not because you think its sad it just the two of us.

You know whats funny? I have friends who have kids... and they STILL get The Pity Face. Why? "Oh just the one child?"

*headdesk*

I want to hang out on the couch with all of you and blabber about our lives right now. You all rule -- love this community.

Im 23 years old and I get the pity face too! Its crazy, im still learning about life and love and all of my girlfriends are looking for boyfriends and planning there weddings as we speak. GROSS. never. Not right now.

I always said if I decided to get married I'll do it at city hall and then have a beautiful reception. Of course when the time comes for such things.

But right now Im enjoying my freedom and if I dont ever get married, I think I'll be ok with that too. That is a hard pill for some people to swallow though.....

I get the pity face ALL THE TIME, I think it's worse when you have four children and have had a divorce, I also get the weird wacko telling me how brave I am to take the children shopping just about every trip.

I really enjoyed this post & as far as your question goes. What would be my response? I would say since I'm still in that situation of "Singlehood" I would go with my first impression. I don't think we can't have a ready response at every experience to people who give us "The Pity Face." Because we have different things pressing on our minds & hearts everyday. And so how you react will be different everytime or at least I think it would be. But I think the key thing is to be good with yourself & if your able to respond in an honest way w/out allowing people feel sorry for you. Then maybe they'll do less inflicting of "The Pity Face" on other singles. But again it doesn't matter cause we can't control other people. We can only control our reactions. So rule of thumb if your happy & you know it go w/it. Clap your hands if you have to for these "Pity Face Bandits" if you have to but don't get down on yourself. And as for that person who said they'd hang themselves if they were in your shoes. I would just immediately brush them off cause obviously they just don't have a filter & should've thought before so blunt. But yeah brush that off...

Sincerely Overland

http://overland23.blogspot.com/

I can't believe anyone would actually say those words out loud. WOW. Some people... I just don't understand. I have been single for two years, am also in my early 30s, and have received the pity face more times than I can count. What people don't get is that, sure! I'd like to meet someone... but why not also have a little fun while I am able? Why must I feel guilty because I'm not yet married with children? I'm sure that day will come, but I feel like we're always looking/hoping for something else and then we're unable to enjoy what we have when we have it.

Just my two cents.

Great post, btw!

I have found, in my experience, that people who are really happy and content in their own lives have no need to give you, or anyone else, The Pity Face[tm]. So anytime I am on the receiving end, I remind myself that there is a good chance that face is a projection of their own feelings or a need to justify their own life decisions and really has nothing to do with me. Great post!!

Great post! Having just moved back to the South as I turn 30, I completely relate. It's nice to know that other people feel this way.

I want to get married, and I'm sure that I will someday. However, looking back at my 20s, I'm so thankful that I remained single. I just wasn't ready for marriage and a family. I'm glad that I didn't stand before God and make a vow to build a life with another person just to get the big day and a permanent "plus one." Far too many people get married -- and subsequently divorced -- because they're either afraid of being alone or bend to social pressure.

What gets me is why people feel the need to ask such invasive questions. It's none of your damn business why I'm not married. I think people who don't have children are in the same boat. Questions like, "Why aren't you married?" or "When do you plan to have kids?" should not be a part of polite small talk.Those are things you discuss with your close girlfriends, not acquaintances. It's just rude to ask those questions.

I am over 35 and I get the pity face for being single. Admittedly, I have also given the pity face to folks whom are "trapped" in loveless and toxic relationships because they are too scared to be single.

See, thing is, I can take that Pity Face to a whole new level with my situation.

I'm 30 and haven't had my first kiss. Upon informing different people about this, so far I've gotten sheer amazement, incredulous doubt, laughter, and even a hug in one case.

Welcome to my blog and project, Kiss Chronicles. I'm going to monetize my first kiss and donate it to a cancer-related charity. Bring on the pity faces and whatever other reaction occurs!

I'm starting to get the "pity face" and people trying to play matchmaker because seemingly, to them, my life must surely be worthless and I must surely be sad because I'll be exiting my 20s and won't be married yet. What's sad is them not seeing me actually enjoying and loving my life. Single or not, life was meant to be enjoyed. I have nothing against people who marry young (early 20s) but I do strongly believe that many times neither he nor she have had the time or opportunity to discover their true self as an individual, what they really love, which, in my opinion could bring life long passion to a relationship and make it more interesting. Who would want to be with someone who doesn't know who they are, never experienced life and seems to have nothing to offer (in terms of sharing their life experiences)?

Of course, I would love to SHARE my life with someone one day but that's just not where I am right now. I'm content and that's where I want to be. :)

As for the lady who said she would hang herself if she was in our shoes, I'd say, "right back at you". CHOOSING to love life should never be contingent upon another person being in it.

I think this is such a great conversation. I do think -- especially in Midwest small towns -- the cultural norm to settle down and have kids is so deeply entrenched that people don't even question it. The idea that you would do what you wanted despite social pressure to conform makes people uncomfortable.

I'm remembering what so many people have said here on BlogHer in the past few years about what people say showing more about them than about you. I also agree that as we grow older we understand truly that our paths are not the only ones available and maybe just what we did whether it was "right" or "wrong" or whatever at the time.

There's a great book I read my daughter early on called Princess Bubble. Everyone tells her she should get married and all the fairy tales say she could get married, but she would rather be a flight attendant. We talk a lot about options and how Aunt Blondie didn't get married and Mommy did and you know, whatever works for you. It's true -- right now she thinks it would be way more fun to be single and childfree. I tried to get my tubes tied when I was 18 because I thought kids would only drag me down. And then my first book was a parenting anthology. You just never know how you're going to feel about something later on -- you just have to live the life you have in front of you, right?

I also think our culture has maybe just gotten ruder. When I was pregnant, people were rude, when I had a young child, people were rude, they're rude to you for being single, they're rude for me for having an only child. I know I try to watch my own tongue a lot more now than I did when I was younger because I've become aware of how my comments can fall on someone else's ears by being called out on it. It can be kind to point out the rudeness of someone's comment if you do it nicely, I think.

I love all of these comments. I often feel like I'm totally alone in this situation, so hearing your stories makes me feel so much better (and of course, horrible for anyone who recognized exactly what I'm talking about). I have also gotten the "hurry ups" and have been absolutely bombarded with suggestions about Match, EHarmony, etc. One person (a married man) even told me I should let HIM look my profile BEFORE I put it up. Because obviously I would do it wrong. (I've chosen to not date online.) It's amazing the things people feel comfortable saying to my face -- unsolicited. Thank you for the wonderful suggestions. Go single sisters! And a big thank you to my married sisters who are reminding me it's NOT always sunshine and roses. I know that deep down inside, but it's helpful to be reminded sometimes.

I like everyone's suggestions for responses. Here's mine: A big smile and a "Why, fuck you very much!" See if the person is really listening.

I'd bet not. Anyone that self-absorbed, i.e., "My view of the world is the only one worth having," is probably busy thinking about other ways to convince you how right she is and how wrong you are.

Or you could do the interrogation thing. With just the right amount of polite shock, respond by saying, "Good heavens! What do you mean by that, exactly?"

Rude Other Person: [[shocked that someone called her on her BS]] "Well, um, I mean I couldn't imagine life without my kids."

You: "So you're saying that your life is the only kind worth living?"

ROP: [[unsure what to say because her worldview has never before been challenged]] "Well, no, that's not what I meant."

You: "But it's what you SAID. Tell me: If someone couldn't get pregnant and was unable to afford adoption, should she go hang herself?"

ROP: "No! Of course not!"

You: "But I should do that, apparently? Because I don't have a spouse or kids?"

ROP: [[looks panicked, trying to pull herself out of the hole she's dug for herself]] "No, I mean, I just wanted you to know how wonderful kids are."

You: "I already know that. But I have learned something from this encounter. You are incredibly intolerant. Thank you for judging my life, about which you know NOTHING, as inadequate and sad. I'm sorry that you're so locked into your own narrow little worldview."

And if you really want to twist the knife, add this little coda: "I'll pray for you."

If you don't have time or don't want to get into it, the "fuck you very much" should do it.

I love your term "pity face." Pity? Nobody needs to lament my singleness but me. On the other hand, I still do get pretty pissed off when married friends express their jealousy- mostly because they seem to think I spend my weekends at keggers like I'm 19 just because I don't have a toddler.

I am so glad you blogged about this! I am a late bloomer bride (married for the first time after age 40), and before I walked down the aisle I used to dread family gatherings in particular just for the things you've written about. What to say to the woman who would hang herself? Well, now that I'm married, I'll tell you. I'd say to her: "Yes, it's tough being able to get 8 hours of sleep every night, go shopping when I want, eat what I want, when I want, and meet friends for cocktails and dinners and theatre and, well, all that international travel is just DEVASTATING. I am so glad you understand." Then, walk away from her sleep-deprived, over-worked self. Is that mean?

Great post! I've just started to get the "pity face." If people start to say anything, I usually just go, "Oh, I'm happily single. I like being able to do what I want when I want." It's usually enough to stop them from saying anything more. I think I would have inappropriately turned the situation around on the woman who said she would die... Probably better to say nothing though. I get that a lot with being gluten-free... everyone tells me they'd die if they couldn't eat bread.

I keep thinking of the Daniel Gilbert TED talk in which he shows how people who win the lottery and people who become parapalegic are equally happy a year later.... She's trying to increase her satisfaction with her choice by elevating it in her mind while deriding your choice because it's the one she didn't pick. I'd just say "to each his own" and move on.

How about, "Gosh, is that your suggestion for how I spend my evening? Maybe I'll consider that after I get back from my singles cruise. And after I take a totally spontaneous trip to Paris. And by the way, finish your own work, I have plans tonight."

A coworker once said to me, as she dumped another pile of work on my desk that she could have handled, that if she didn't have her husband and kids to go home to every night, she didn't know what she'd do, because life without them had no meaning.

She meant my life.

I do believe that, culturally speaking, most people do still feel sorry for a woman who is of a certain age and has no partner or children. I've gotten the vibe that I'm considered damaged goods or unmarriageable. I chose not to marry one person who would certainly have committed to me. The other longterm relationships I had didn't end in marriage.

I said nothing to that woman and how I react to these kinds of conversations depends on the situation. Can't fix mean or stupid, and I knew that she was saying that to make me feel bad about my life.

You and I have a lot in common -- I wish frequently that I had someone to share my life with and I'm already grieving the likelihood that I won't be a mother. But I don't need pity. Compassion is okay, maybe. That's different, just like I have for people who are in crappy marriages and who struggle with the stressors of being a parent. Often, the people who give me the pity face are people whose lives and relationships I could not be paid to take. It's amazing what people will do to make themselves feel surer of their own situations -- even if it means demeaning someone else.

Being a married and childless woman, I get more shock than pity when people find out I'm 50+ and don't have children or grandchildren. In my 30s I got the "you better hurry up and have kids or you'll be sorry" threat from random people who had no clue as to why I might be childless.

Why do people have the right to judge someone on their marital or child bearing status, assuming we need advice or pity? I don't go around commenting "gee, did you plan all four of your children?" or "wow, did you marry him as a last resort?"

But I've learned to laugh off these comments for the most part. They usually come from people whose opinion I shouldn't give a moment's thought to.

For the woman who'd hang herself, I think a "Wow, that's incredibly rude" in a bemused tone of voice would be all you need to say. Because that was an incredibly rude thing to say.

I'm married and have kids, and I know people who are single with no kids and happy about it, and people who are single with no kids who are unhappy about it. I also know people who are married with no kids and happy about it, and married with no kids who are unhappy. So it doesn't matter, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I'm now married (just last year at the age of 40) but was always single and childless by choice. I was once told that only selfish and lazy women choose to not have children. When people said things like this I just smiled and walked away. It's not worth consideration or time. Truthfully, I would hang myself if I had children. I absolutely worship my nieces and all of the kids in my family...but it's just not for me. However, I would NEVER say this to someone and I know that what makes me happy isn't for everyone. Just continue to be the bigger person and walk away. It's always better when you let them have the last, nasty word.

Yeah, I'm familiar with the pity face. I'm over it, so I usually laugh...which confuses the Pitier. But here's what I know about the woman who would "hang herself...". She's pretty miserable with her own life. Only someone who is hurting inside would make such a heartless statement. Eff her.
-The Spi sterlicious Life

I used to get this Face all the time and it would enrage me. I remember one woman, "Awww! If you want to catsit this weekend, you totally can, if you get lonely."

Unfuckingbelievable.

Just ask, "How are the kids? Is your husband 'babysitting' (remember the quote fingers) so you get a break? When is your curfew?"

That should do it. ;-)