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We all have that one pair of jeans that we just love. You know the ones --- they make our butts look really good, but they are just a smidge too tight. One has to grapple to fit into these jeans.
To put them on, first you have to do that Blue Jeans Jig -- the one where you dance and hop around the room, slightly resembling a chicken with its head cut off, while you try to pull the jeans over the mountains that your thighs have become. You shuffle and cavort while you force yourself into these blue jeans.
Once the jeans are fully loaded, you lie on the bed and suck in your gut as far as you can muster; grip both sides of the pants with one hand; and manipulate a pair of pliers with the other hand (trying to pull up the zipper). Every woman needs one really good pair of pliers.
With the jeans zipped and snapped, you have lifted your butt, so that it looks like it did twenty years ago. However, your guts are now spilling over the top of your jeans in a muffin top, and it's possible that the strange pain under your ribcage is a new hernia. I can't tell you what to do about the hernia, but I can tell you how you can disguise the muffin top: Wear a flowing blouse that is loosely belted at the equator.
Men always wonder why it takes women so long to get dressed! It ain't easy being beautiful. There are a few important points to remember if you choose to achieve this look:
- Get the pockets of your pants smoothly in place before you zip the pants. Otherwise, you will have an unsightly lump, and will have to unzip and redo the process.
- Don't plan on drinking anything while you wear them.
- Don't expect to eat anything once you are stuffed into the jeans.
- Don't plan to sit down.
- Don't let anyone close enough to hug you, else they will feel the muffin top and destroy the illusion. In this case, "air kisses" are acceptable.
If you have never had this experience, please do not feel obliged to comment, Skinny B****. Those of us in the Sisterhood of The Grappling Pants do not choose to hear it. As surely as the sun rises in the east, your time will come.
I was skinny once. It was a loooong time ago --- back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and Andy Rooney wore diapers.
If you see me in my tight jeans, and notice a muffin top, I urge you NOT to say a thing.
Raise your hand if you are in "The Sisterhood." If you are not one of us, go eat some bean sprouts or something.
Shelly Kneupper Tucker
This article first appeared at This Eclectic Life.
Twitter handle: @shellyktucker
