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Sparkle (1)
We all have some phrases, chain of words, or saying that just makes our
hair stand on end, our heart beat raise a bit, and our mouths get dry.
These are the dreaded things we must say at times to move on in life.
I
have had six words that I knew I would have to speak soon, and I also
knew the time was coming much faster than I pictured it; yet two
decades ago when I became a nurse, I never thought I would have to say the phrase.
"I Have To Go On Disability." I made this choice,
no one forced me, (although I feel that my back and the pain has forced
me, for I have no other road to go down), yet it was a phrase I truly
did not want to ever really have to utter.
This is changing my
life completely. Not just immense financial issues, but the fact that I
have to leave my patients. Although I was having trouble working, I
never expected the rise in pain over the past year. It has been
exponential. I adored my nursing jobs, whatever they may have been, and
I adore my patients.
It was the Hospice patients in the two
companies I did Hospice work for, that had grabbed my heart and never
let go. I had found my niche. Where I belonged. I was one of those
nurses that could say, "I understand", regarding your loved one being
on Hospice, for both mom and dad died on Hospice, and I was the main
caregiver for both of them. I stopped mid 2nd semester of school to
further my nursing career, to take care of my strapping, strong 6 ft. 4
in. dad, that became a little patient, right in front of my eyes over a
2 month period. It all went so fast.
My dad, who won the
body surfing championship in 1992. The dad that was the Senior Division
Triathlon winner in Orange County. Hit the gym 3-4 times a week for
hours. Ate the 'perfect' foods, and especially, didn't eat certain
foods. So all that great food, and depriving himself of his old
favorites, and keeping his body in awesome shape at 63, had no chance
over the genetic power of Colon Cancer straight from his mom.
My
professors were very empathetic, yet I could not keep any of the work
or test scores from my 4.0 hard work of 1 1/2 semesters. I just wanted
to help my father, the way he had helped me. Ah, life. Begins and ends.
A circle that never stops. We played 'The Circle of Life' by Elton John
at his funeral, (along with Eric Clapton's: 'Tears In Heaven'), to a
packed church that stunned me, at how many people my father's life had
touched. This was one year before my first surgery and one year before
the pain started in seriously. I have been an 'adult orphan' for years
now.
So, I have left nursing. I am a Disabled nurse now,
and I suppose the correct term is 'Retired nurse', or how about
'Retired Disabled Nurse?' I just have trouble writing any of those
words.
My life is so different now. I appreciate the
little tiny things that I never paid that much attention to before. The
bills keep on coming in. We all know that never stops. But the fear in
me that I feel when I see them is new. I don't like this. But I knew I
had no choice than to go on
Permanent Disability. My pain won. The battle is over.
Ironically,
a new Showtime series called "Nurse Jackie", starring Edie Falco, had a
preview showing on my free Satellite station last night, it is due to
premier on Showtime tonight. I heard the intro, and it shocked me. I
think that this show will bring up some heavy feelings in pain
bloggers.
She said, "I am a nurse. And I have back pain.
What is my choice..Unemployment?" And not to give the show away, but
she then is shown taking all kinds of drugs throughout her shift, just
to make it through the pain. Hmmm I'm not quite sure what I think of
all that, but I will keep watching the show for now. It does give a very
negative look at a nurse who is in pain. Why doesn't she go get an
appointment with a Pain Management doctor? Why does she have to be
shown illegally using meds that are supposed to be prescribed,
not given from the doctor she 'knows' at
