Size 14

Not able to face the mess we were about to make downstairs, I asked my children if they'd like to go play upstairs.  We went up and I opened a bin that contained clothing from the past.  The kids lay on the floor watching me try things on. 

The first thing on was a pair of shorts from REI.  Size 14.  Fit great.  Second thing was a pair of shorts from REI.  Size 12.  Definitely too snug and not a good looking snug.  The kids watched.  Next was a skirt.  It fit.  Size 14.  The kids smiled.  Next, a groovy looking blouse also size 14.  A touch too tight if I moved my arms.  The kids didn't care.  They liked it.

And so it continued.

This is the problem.  The clothes are far too nice looking for my current lifestyle which consists of the same jeans and a rotating supply of well used t-shirts.  These clothes fit my children's grubby hands, snotty noses and the outdoor rough weather.  I pictured suggesting to my husband that we go on a date!  We could dress up and go to one of the diners here in our town and pretend it's fancy.

But my hair!  My hair is an inbetween mess of inbetweeness.  Really, I could solve that.  But then what to wear!  The clothes I think would be fun are still a little out of my reach, but not far off.

And so I noticed where I'm carrying most of the fat these days - on my butt and outer thighs.  In time, it will be less I imagine.  (If I continue to show some restraint and put forth the effort into some exercise)

And then I began thinking about how things are moving along, but not feeling zippy or on-fire these days.  I began thinking about the extra helping of lunch today and the chocolate cookie I ate and the chocolate mini eggs.

My clothes from storage FIT.  I don't really have any smaller clothes in storage.  Well, there are some jeans, but those are pre-pregnancy jeans and so I expect them to fit differently on my body nowadays and they definitely don't work on me at this point in time.

But this is the thing....Size 14 must be a weight I was at for quite a while - enough time to go shopping and get some nice things.  Not enough time to really wear many of those things.  Size 14 feels comfortable on me.  No - it feels familiar and that makes it comfortable.

But I remember not feeling comfortable in size 14.  I remember buying these clothes and thinking maybe they could hide my growing body which they did with their nice designs and tailored looks.

It feels good to fit them.  It will feel better for them to hang loosely on me.  But yet, I can see how EASY it is to just sit right here at this wonderful size of size 14.

When I lose sight of why I am doing this (is it in order to like myself, fit in, be hot and sexy) I could be okay with where I am at.  I have a great family, a wonderful partner and now a body that is capable of doing a little bit of outdoor stuff....

BUT I'm still above the BMI for healthy and why I really want to do this and why I really want to get to a thinner state is so that my risk of heart disease goes down.  I want my asthma to be better controlled.  I want my immune system to battle viruses more effectively.  I want to be a young 60 year old parent when my kids are in their 20's.

And I also wouldn't mind just looking a little less wobbly flobby in my favorite t-shirts and REI shorts.

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