Sleep On It
I'm so relieved I did not confront my husband a few hours ago about what I believed was a lie. In the moment I realized I was wrong, I felt such relief I did not react - or question him. I also feel embarrassed that I'm struggling with trust. My husband deserves my trust. I am hoping that for now on, when I feel that gut feeling that's telling me something's wrong, I'll sleep on it. I'll wait and think things through.
People talk about gut instinct and female intuition. I'm wondering why I did not have it when my ex cheated on me, despite saying we were exclusive at one point. That man nearly destroyed me over a period of a few years. It's truly a miracle that I was able to find a great man so soon after him and that I could fall in love so soon. But it happened.
I also wonder why my intuition is all wacky now, if there is such a thing as intuition. I am constantly feeling false alarms. When something happens, like thinking I caught him in a lie, my whole body goes into a hormonal frenzy. It's in that moment that I'm in the most danger of wrecking my marriage. The marriage counselor we saw for a while said the ex traumatized me. I feel I'm overcoming Past Relationship PTSD. It must be like trying to learn that all loud booms are not enemy fire. I have to learn not all opportunities for cheating are actual cheating. I have to learn to feel completely safe in a relationship. In essence, I have to stop looking for clues and try to completely trust with my whole heart.
I love my husband and the life we are creating. When I struggle with trust issues, I feel there's not many places to turn, though. He has a hard time understanding why he's paying for the other guy's actions. He doesn't understand that kind of pain because he's never been through it.
To be respectful to my husband, I'll have to be vague about some details and be careful not to put in any identifying information. But that's okay because you'll get the gist of what I'm saying.