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A House Divided...

...On Spanking

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Dealing with discipline issues can be stressful not just on parents and children, but between mom and dad. While two people can think they share the same parenting values before becoming parents, the reality is that kids are unique individuals and frequently change and grow. (You know, because they're supposed to.) Sue at Motherhood and Me recently shared the discipline problems they're having in her house and how the topic of spanking has created a divided house.

She shares honestly about the experience:

DividedMy husband believes in spanking and uses that tactic, while I don’t believe in it and I feel I am left scrambling to find another direction on my own with no help.

A little back story, we have never been spankers. I have always felt that it didn’t make any sense to spank a kid to teach them something. Would I learn anything if Brett started spanking me during every argument, just to get his way? No! This would just piss me off and hurt me emotionally. Now, am I saying I have never spanked before? No, before this I have, but it usually is as a last resort and with anger, which isn’t right in the first place!

With that said, my husband and I discussed trying spanking with Barrett because we had felt we had exhausted every other discipline tactic. We talked to family and friends, all who spank and all who have, at least what we see to be, amazing children. We talked about it and devised a plan to see if it would help. I agreed, still uncomfortable with this choice, but willing to give anything a shot.

Photo Credit: shoa.

Read more from A House Divided at Motherhood and Me

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The Parent Practice 5 pts

Throughout the eleven years The Parent Practice has been teaching parenting classes, we have become familiar with the different views of many parents on the subject of smacking children. Overwhelmingly it seems that when parents smack their children they do so, not in a controlled way to discipline them, but because the parent is overwhelmed by an emotion, perhaps fear (such as when a child runs into the street) or out of anger or frustration.The child knows the parent has "lost it" and we are in danger of losing our children’s respect if we discipline in this way.

There is no doubt at all that discipline is necessary but the point of any method of discipline is to teach -- and smacking is the least effective of all the tools at our disposal if we want to teach. Our children are not so open to learning if they are shocked and hurting. We are in danger of teaching them something we don’t intend if we use smacking, that is that when you are an adult you can use your power to hurt, that you can resolve conflict or get your way by hurting. That is not what parents intend when they smack and I would never make a parent wrong for smacking but I think parents need to be supported in the difficult job of raising children by giving them tools other than smacking.

TheMother 5 pts

@ Cheryl- I don't think you have a kid thinking you are going to have to spank them. That said my husband and I did talk about it but when the dream became reality and our child wasn't responding to other means of discipline we had to reevaluate and adjust. And you always have to do that with children and be flexible and give yourself a break bc nobody has all the right answers when it comes to raising children.

ErikaMarie 7 pts

I don't like spanking, especially while angry. I believe it is to be used as either a very last resort or as an immediate punishment. For example, if your kid tries to touch something hot, slap his hand. If he is playing with matches, spank his butt (always open handed). Yes, spanking works; however, if you spank over everything, it can make the child insecure and is not emotionally productive. Positive reinforcement and negative punishment are always the better route. Take things away, do not add to them.

TheMother 5 pts

ErikaMarie - thanks for your comment, I do have a question, do you think that if your child is reaching for the hot stove maybe he just doesn't know the consequence of touching it? Maybe redirecting him in that situation will save some spankings for more serious matters. I do agree that spanking too often is not productive. Thanks!

ErikaMarie 7 pts

TheMother Yes, of course do whatever you can to keep your child away but if the child is very young or can't comprehend what you're saying, I think a smack on the hand is entirely appropriate.

MotherhoodandMe 6 pts

TheMotherErikaMarie One time, when very pregnant, my son went to put his action figure in the light socket. My reaction? I kicked his hand away. He looked at me so freaked out and I ended up explaining to him why it happened. For me, it was my reaction and just happened. I didn't bend down and just shooded his hand away with my foot. He is 4 now and STILL remembers that. In situations of immediate danger, I believe you do anything and everything you can to save your kid. In my case, I kicked him. Didn't mean to, just happened.

ErikaMarie 7 pts

MotherhoodandMeTheMother A little kick is better than being electrocuted.

MotherhoodandMe 6 pts

ErikaMarieTheMother I think that was where my body was going with it before my mind even knew what was happening!

MotherhoodandMe 6 pts

ErikaMarie I totally agree. Slapping a child's had away from something hot is a great example of immediate punishment. I believe it only shuts them up for the moment and really doesn't solve anything or teach them anything. Thanks for commenting.

sherrikuhn 10 pts

Such a sensitive topic, Sue...but I'm so happy to see you spotlighted over here!

MotherhoodandMe 6 pts

sherrikuhn Thanks Sherri for stopping by and commenting! I appreciate it!

Conversation from Facebook

Terri Patillo
Terri Patillo

I ocassionally spanked my daughter. She's 19, an A student at one of the Top 10 Universities in the Nation, doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. So...

Sarah Thompson
Sarah Thompson

I'm not big on 'punishment' of any variety. IME it tends to backfire. Discipline CAN be nonpunitive.

Asia Stacia
Asia Stacia

Child to child as well. Some may need it... Some may not. Anyway, that's my opinion. But I'm only in my early 20's and my daughter is only nearly 16 mos.

Asia Stacia
Asia Stacia

Calmly talk to them about why they deserve this punishment and only if that child is old enough to understand that that is a consequence. And it differs from

Asia Stacia
Asia Stacia

Which is not the same as a whipping, cause that's just cruel... Any way, to me a spanking is when you use your hand or a switch to away your kids behind AFTER u

Asia Stacia
Asia Stacia

Spanking depends on what your personal definition of the word is as well. For me spanking is not the same as, say, an old fashioned country whoping

Asia Stacia
Asia Stacia

For now, but if she requires a spanking later on, after all other options are exhausted I'm not adverse to it.

Asia Stacia
Asia Stacia

I'm happy I'm a single parent and can deal with this on my own. I hate the thought of spanking my baby girl, patting her butt seems to be all that's needed.

Cheryl Muzynski Sorce
Cheryl Muzynski Sorce

Shouldn't this be discussed before you have kids??

Gennie Groover
Gennie Groover

We talked about this before we had kids so it wouldn't be an issue later.

Luanne Iwan
Luanne Iwan

Thanks for the honesty. That said, I can't imagine any parent justifying spanking. It usually comes from a place of anger and frustration in the adult & causes mental scars in the child. I know some kids are extremely difficult, seemingly impossible to manage, but if parents pick their battles, not expecting everything to be done to their liking, other punishments can have great effect. Kids are designed to push boundaries, that's how they learn. If everything has a boundary, and positive attention isn't given for the little successes, they will look for any attention even if it means they get hurt. Good luck to the mom, and I hope she goes back to her belief that spanking is not the solution. Remember one day that child will be bigger and stronger & might fight back.