Co-parenting: Does Your Ex Need to Know if You're Dating?

This is definitely a tough subject, but I think it's really important to have that talk when the time comes. I won't tell my ex that I am seeing someone until I know there is real potential for something serious - but I won't introduce a new guy to my daughter until that point, either. The way I see it, why have the talk and awkward "meeting the ex / meeting the kid" thing happen unless you know a relationship has some real potential?

As a family and divorce mediator, I know the "significant other" conversation is so important to have. I advise my clients to think about the guidelines for introducing a child to a new person.

We often discuss why it is important. As we see it in our practice, there are two parenting reasons for having an agreement about this.

One is that we don't want a child to come home from spending time with one parent and surprising the other parent with news of time spent w/ a new person. If that parent has a surprised or hurt look on their face, then the child will feel as though they did something wrong. Information shouldn't be transmitted through this kids, it is harmful to the dynamic of the family.

The second is that most parents do not want their child to form attachments to new people if they do not have a likelihood of becoming permanent fixtures in their lives. So parents often suggest that a guideline is either an amount of time together (eg. 1 year) or for others it is an engagement or for others still they can decide to trust the other parent's judgment.

The important component is to bring this challenging and emotional topic up to parents before it becomes a reality so that there is a plan in place that honors the other, the kids and the family.

Thanks for shedding light on this important issue.

The MediateTrix

www.mediatetrix.wordpress.com

I did tell him when I was dating. He made a big deal out of knowing when I was going to introduce the kids to my boyfriend. Typically, his insistence on doing things "the right way" applied only to ME. He was dating someone for months before I found out about it and the kids were spending weekends at her house with him.

That was when I stopped communicating with him about my personal life.

Everything is calm right now, because we are not actually divorced yet, and I'm not interested in dating. A few weeks ago however he decided I was dating ( I was not, just out with a girl from work) and made my life rather difficult that week, until I dragged out of him what his issue was and clarified. Yeah, when I do date, I'm not telling him. Not until the kids are involved and I have to.