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A few weeks ago, Leonora Epstein wrote a post on The Frisky, which fed into CNN about something her therapist told her. "Some women are just happier in a relationship," the therapist said. This does not strike me as a particularly revelatory statement, but Epstein felt as though a bomb was dropped on her:
Huh? Isn't the modern woman supposed to be totally amazing on her own? But at the same time, the tension in my heart unclenched as I considered the phrase that potentially answered all of my romantic issues... Was I one of those women? And do they really exist? Looking back, I began to think it might be true. When in committed relationships, I was happier. When single, I was depressed. Perhaps this was chance, but I realized that I took better care of my life with a boyfriend by my side. I kept things cleaner to show respect for his presence in my living space. I bathed more often and took care of my acne-prone skin... When I recently asked my friends about this idea of "being better with a man" or "needing a man," a good handful of them confirmed this belief. (Definitely not all, mind you.)
Why, why, why, I wondered, is the logical conclusion to a statement that people like feeling loved and valued that: a) this requires a man, and b) this is against what feminism stands for? Perhaps the problem is actually how Epstein interpreted what her therapist said. She did not say, "Some women NEED a man" (as per the title of the blog post), but rather that some women are happier in a relationship. I would argue that most people are happier when they have loving, supportive relationships. (Not all women need a man to be part of this happy, healthy relationship, though. Some women would rather have a woman as a partner. In Epstein's case, the statement came after she lamented her lack of a boyfriend, so I can see how the whole women-need-a-man path was accidentally traveled down.) What's wrong with wanting to be loved, valued, and supported? Why wouldn't people want this?
Yes, modern women can be amazing on their own - if they want to be. Feminism is not about insisting that you don't need meaningful relationships with a partner, if that is what will make you happy. Rather, feminism is about not settling for some crap situation because you fear being an old maid spinster who is eaten by her 15 cats when she dies since she also has no friends or other relationships and no one notices. Studies have long shown that men live better lives once they get hitched. (The latest stats on this come from the University of Arizona and says that marriage cuts risk of men's health problems.) Maybe the news in this case is that the same benefits seem to have accrued to Epstein (and, incidentally, me)? (If you can tolerate the irritating "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" bunk, The Third Age has an interesting report on why marriage aids men's health but not women's. RAND also has a study that focuses on men. Hat tips to: Sassymonkey and Whose Shoes are These Anyway for the links to the studies.)
Anyway, when I was growing up in the late 70s and early 80s, my very non-assertive mom had a t-shirt with the infamous slogan, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." (I suspect my aunt gave it to her. My aunt is feisty like that.) I thought this shirt was utterly hilarious, what with the cartoon fish seated on the bike and all. When I was old enough to understand what it meant, I agreed with the sentiment. I knew that I would never get married, as I was certain that no man would treat me as his equal. (Just like I was sure that Gloria Steinem coined the fish/bicycle phrase, but according to the very funny blog This fish needs a bicycle, it was Irina Dunn who said it in 1970. And I've been married for nine years, so whaddya know?) The point is that sometimes fish want bicycles because they are fun and challenging. And, to mix metaphors, if the bike fits, ride it.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a
