So Your Partner's A Crossdresser: Now, What?
By Stuck At Home Mom on March 17, 2014
I received an email last night that made me think a lot about the direction of my blog. For the most part, I do like to post issues that occur or activities that I do with my children, but in between those posts I occasionally talk about my husband, who happens to be a crossdresser, the fact that my daughter is gay, or my son's propensity for wearing pink. These are things that I struggled with at one time or another, but came to understand, accept, and support.
The email was from a woman who was just finding out about her partner's cross-dressing, and she was looking for someone, anyone, who had been there. One of the comments she made was that many sites with information about crossdressers were very polarized--either they denounced the crossdressing and treated it like something horrible, or they glamorized it and talked about how much they loved it. She had read my post "10 Best & Worst Things About Dating A Crossdresser" and felt that my attitude was more down to earth and maybe not so black-and-white about the subject. It was not the first such email I had received after the article was featured on BlogHer.
I thought about that for a long time last night, because I felt that, in responding to her email, I was giving her something I had really needed when Coffeeguy first started crossdressing--a person who understood and who had been in the same place as me.
That got me thinking that the post about my cross dressing husband had about 27,000 reads--27,000! But not 27,000 shares, because this is such a taboo subject, and there's no one out there online except for those that are 100 percent against it or those that are 100 percent for it. That doesn't leave room for those of us who struggled with the change, the change of this person who was our very male husband to someone who sometimes likes to wear feminine clothing or makeup and a wig. So I'm putting it out there, for those of you who are searching, for those of you who need an ear, to know that you're not crazy, who wonder if your loved one loves you, who wonder if you can be happy with a crossdresser:
I'm not a therapist, but I've been where you are, and I can give you the benefit of that if you need or want it.
1. Communication is the most important thing: I'm not willing to do this or I am willing to try are the first things you need to communicate.
I told my husband, when we first began, that I would TRY to accept him wearing women's clothing, but I could not promise that I would enjoy it. But I figure there are always things we do that we know our partner loves, even if it's not our favorite thing in the world, so what is this but that? Anyway, you have to let him know what's too fast for you and where your boundaries are (ie do you tell the children? How/when? Will he tell friends or leave the house dressed up?)
2. I want you to look up "pink fog", because if you accept your man's dressing, at some point he will be so relieved that he will experience that--basically it's dressing too much (not taking it slow), it can result in buying lots of clothes (whether you can afford it or not), it's dressing for longer periods of the day (possibly before you're ready for that), and it can also result in your partner spending a great deal of time, money, and effort on himself--I got through this period by explaining to my husband what it is and that he needed to slow down a little, because I needed to feel like he cared as much about me as about dressing. He took it well, and cared about our relationship enough to slow down for me.
3. Make time for both sides of your partner. When my husband cross-dressed, fully, the first time, I was impressed with how easily I took it--I even helped with his makeup. But the second time I was agitated and stressed out--because now that it was "out there" he dressed up even more. I learned that I liked his dressed up self but I MISSED my husband, and missed a lot of the attention I would get from his masculine side. Once I explained that, set that boundary, he backed off a little, until I had time to get more used to him. For me, I needed him to know that while I supported every part of him, I needed "to be a girl sometimes too."