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If we grow more unhappy as we grow older we aren't encouraged to talk about it with others, especially our families. Shouldn't we be happy- we have survived the excessive exuberance of youth, the stress of child rearing, the pain of experience-but what if this life that we have worked for leaves us cold and empty? What if you wake up and find that the joy you tried to find has left you behind? There is alot of drugs today that your doctor will prescripe to help you find happiness but what gets me is that these drugs will not change the facts of your life! I will still be fatter, older, less fit, more distracted, less motivated, have more aches and pains and be more aware of my situation than I was when I was 20 years old. I wake up everyday and wonder where did I go wrong. I thought I had all the things I would need in place to find a happy place in middle age--God, I was wrong. I have worked hard, did my best to raise my family, strived to have a successful marriage but somewhere along the way it all kind of slipped through my fingers like sand on the beach that then was washed away by the surf. I thought that I had been living a good life but can't reconcile the circumstances of my life with what I thought I had. My children don't listen to me or spend anytime with me, my husband doesn't touch me or really even talk to me anymore, I am unemployed since I took a leave from teaching because I was stressed out from it. I live in a bit of a dump in a place that I thought would be good for us to move to to spend more time together but has turned out to be a dreary, lonely place, that we hate mostly, even though it is naturally beautiful. My grandkids irritate me more that I enjoy them, at least the two that live with me and their divorced mother. I have been raising kids for thirty years and I am no better at it than I was in the beginning. My unhappiness has a life of its own--it wakes me up and keeps me from sleeping. It saddens me when I watch TV or any little thing comes on that reminds me that my life sucks- like a great house or a sweet family that pays attention or even just people smiling and having fun--all of it makes me feel unequiped and stupid for not planning better for the time when it all catches up with you and you have to face how your life doesn't measure up. My daughter told me not to long ago--may be your depressed. I said that I don't have the time or the energy to be depressed. It so easy for her generation-just take a pill you will feel beter, just like Brave New World but I do not believe that it is real if it is a chemically altered reality. I am sad and that is real not just a chemical state-my sadness has been organically induced through a dose or reality. My life means very little in the scheme of things-what difference have I made? Yeah this seems like whining that is why no one wants to hear it even though many of us feel this way. Lets just call it like it is --life ain't for the weak and cowardly. Life will kick your butt and shatter your illusions. Now where are we supposed to put that -how do we cope? I hope that we find the strength to wrestle with our realities and find peace--that seems so difficult at this time in my life. And I know that I am not the only one--maybe someday we will find a way to talk about it and someone will want to listen-one can only hope while we fight to get through it.
