Sometimes I Miss Being a Selfish & Self-Centered Twenty-Something
By: Wendy Castellanos-Wolf
It is the curse of the dynamic woman in her thirties to live in a state of perpetual exhaustion. It’s not that we are now older and do not have the required energy to keep up with the pace of our lives. It is the opposite. I attribute this exhaustion to being so fabulous at life, that we have made ourselves indispensable. Career, family and personal life, (a thirty-something’s version of the holy trinity), come together on a daily basis and demands our undivided devotion.
As a woman in her thirties, I am very much in demand and it is this, being needed and the responsibilities that accompany it, that I struggle with. I am not complaining, but sometimes, in a fortunate moment of solitude and silence, I indulge in nostalgia and reminisce on days long gone. Days when I was the only person I answered to, took care of, or took into consideration. That state of selfish abandon that is inherent to the twenty-something experience beckons me with the allure of a distant friend. I miss being selfish. Yet at the same time, I feel fortunate knowing that my life has a higher purpose and that I can affect the people around me in a positive manner. Again, that struggle for the ever elusive balance, the theme of my thirties, is what I am challenged with daily.
Would I be less exhausted if I indulged in a bit of selfishness every once in a while? Or, would I be just as exhausted or more so, by adding yet another item to my “To Do” list? I can see it now: finish project at work, pick up laundry, do something selfish. Funny part, (or maybe it’s the sad part), is that even as I write this, I don’t even know what that would be. What would I do on a holiday from my normal life? Would I go to the Korean Spa, read a book on the beach, go shopping for items I don’t need but just want, drink really expensive wine and sing Billie Holiday’s Greatest Hits out loud and all by myself? It’s fun to imagine a day of selfishness. It feels like a vacation for my mind.
Perhaps this is all I need to remedy my case of exhaustion, a daily mental break from the constant brain churning problem solving and planning. A break to imagine myself doing something fun, just for fun.