Sometimes the person you're not into is a really great person.
by Liz RizzoLet me tell you some things about my ex-fiance. He was funny, and he made me laugh. We cooked dinner together. He was reliable and loyal and never would have cheated on me in a million years. We lit Hanukkah candles together, and we had Passover at his grandma's Miami apartment. We enjoyed playing Taboo and having dinner with our friends. We walked together after work. I cared about him very much.
We weren't a good match, we had serious problems, I called off our wedding, and none of this belies the fact that he's a great guy. Who now has a sweet wife and two children and is hopefully leading a happy, fulfilling life.
Sometimes, the person you're not into is a really great person who you care about and really like.
Sometimes, simply knowing how much someone cares about you can be terrifying when you don't feel the same.
Not to diminish the hurt involved when you're the one not getting who you want (because, Hello: Welcome to Sucksville), but the other side is tough, too. In some ways it's harder and more confusing. Hey, I've been there.
When I called off my wedding, I thought, Who am I to walk away from this great person who loves me and wants to marry me? Do I actually think I'm going to find that twice in life? Am I actually going to hurt someone who's so great and who I care about like this?
It was really, really difficult, and I felt like human crap. But I knew that the marriage was wrong. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be with him. And somehow, I found the strength, and I ended it.
Now, that's calling off a wedding. Very dramatic.
But I think, too, about the first month that the Hunky Actor and I were together. As a couple, Wow, do we look great on paper. But we failed on (many small and) one huge count: We didn't bring out the best in each other. I realized after it was over that we had a negative effect on each other, no matter how great we are separately.
That's just not gonna work.
Leaving one of us - him - the suck of breaking up with someone awesome (- me!).
I guess maybe it seems like a silly point to say that there are tons and tons of great people out in the world, and you're inevitably going to connect with at least one who's into you and you aren't into them. But when I was in the trenches of calling off my wedding, that was a really important thought that I came to after quite a bit of angst. I had to sit myself down and say to myself, If there's really only one great person in this world, then this world is ridiculous, and I don't believe that. There's lot of great people. A lot a lot.
As for love? Personally, I've got faith that someday again, I will love someone and they will love me back.
When you're honest about your feelings, you free two parties up to find that. No matter the heartache involved, that's Full of Good.
~
Linky Goodness:
Sealed with a kiss!- from colomitalia on Stuck on Stupid Weblog, a question about when you're not feeling it after the first kiss.
Am I just not that into 'He's Just Not That Into You"? - from Andrea Pope on Confessions of an Occasional Dater, Hey, it happens.
Stupid girl, that’s me - from Mia on The Outlaw Safehouse, Seriously, what is with people who can't use their words?
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Comments
In that situation
I was recently in that same situation. I had a great guy who was really into me but I was just not into him. I tried but I could never get there. I realized that not only was I being unfair to him I was being unfair to myself. I felt like that character in Waiting to Exahle when she said I have got to be more specific in my prayers for a man. I got everything I wanted except I did not like him as a partner. He would have made a great friend but we were well beyond that. He will make someone a great partner. That person is just not me.
Michelle
I blog at http://www.mommycan.blogspot.com/
The miracle...
...of attraction is sometimes in chemistry. All the great attributes in the world don't make up for lack of ZING. On the other hand, too much chemistry is bad, too.
Perhaps the golden middle is true love?
http://nakedanarchists.wordpress.com
Chemisty can be so unfair
A few years ago I met a wonderful guy. He was everything I'd ever wanted in a man (if I knew what I wanted) but we had weak chemistry. It was there in fits and starts, but not enough. Not enough to bond us together. We dated for months, both of us knowing it would never work out. We kept trying because we just liked each other so damn much. I guess it would have been much worse if one of us liked the other more, but it sucked enough the way it was.
Eventually we just gave up. You can't make sparks happen, they either do or they don't. He's now one of my dearest friends.
It just pisses me off that year after year I spark with men who aren't such wonderful guys. Chemisty can be so unfair.
SINgleGIRL
Sex, Lies and Dating in the City
http://sex-lies-dating.blogspot.com/
good piece
yeah, somertimes people don't want the same things, aren;t equal matches or can be toxic (or just blah) together.
s
Susan Mernit, Susan Mernit's Blog
follow me on twitter: twitter/susanmernit
friendfeed: friendfeed.com/smernit
Keep looking... Don't give up...
I think that it is hard for someone to be in that situation. It is not always as fairytale as we would like. My husband and I have been together since we were 14. There we 3 different engagement rings and 2 weddings. Some people think that I am nuts but it took me a long time to make sure that he was the right fit. I think that you are right that there is more then one nice guy out there. If it was not right for you it was in no way worth it. I joke all of the time that you had better be sure that this is the person that you want to grow old with because breaking up is much more involved and expensive once you are married. I know that you will find that perfect match someday. Keep your chin up, your eyes pealed and your heart open and it will come. Good luck and best wishes.
Becca
Chemistry
How I'm dying to feel it again with someone who's into me! It was so fleeting with the Hunky Actor in retrospect. Sigh.
Thanks for the great comments.
Liz Rizzo
I blog at Everyday Goddess.
and then you seem like an idiot to everyone
else
aaah yes. the 'look good on paper' guy. and then when you break up with him (and he's so nice about that too!) every friend. family member, co-worker asks why? was he abusive? addicted to porn? hogged the quilt? and when you try and explain, they shake their heads and walk away
Disa Fedorowiczhttp://disareadsandwrites.blogspot.com/