Sometimes You Have One of Those Days

Sometimes you have one of those days when the world has the best intentions for you, but it just doesn’t work out. Today was one of those days. It was beautiful outside, the sun was shining, the city was busy, and I really, really wanted to make the most of it. And then I didn’t get out of my pajamas until 1:30pm. And then when I did make it outside, the crowds were overwhelming, as they tend to be on the first nice day of the year. Instead of relaxing and enjoying the day, I decided to embrace the task of buying bridesmaids gifts, a job that has been looming over my head for a while now. Let’s just say I was unsuccessful. Period.

I found myself in a Borders coffee shop, waiting for a latte, looking around at all of the people talking and eating and working on resumes, and I thought, “Right now, I am completely and totally alone. All alone.” And for the first time in a really long time, I was okay with that. It felt pretty good.

I will briefly tell you that “alone” is not an easy feeling for me. Five years ago I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which I think is a long string of words for the diagnosis of being scared all the time), and for a while after that, “alone” was not my friend, although I felt “alone” quite a lot. ”Alone” meant anxiety, and I have been dealing with anxiety in my life for quite a while. Thankfully, life is much better now, and for the most part my day-to-day anxiety has subsided, although the “alone” feeling is still something that I grapple with from time to time.

Of course, I am not really alone in life. I am getting married in three months, I have a loving group of friends and a supportive family. I know I have a charmed and fortunate life, and for that I am very, very grateful. I love my life, I love the city I live in, and I love the process of becoming someone’s wife, someone who I love very much.

Back to my point. Standing in Borders, I found myself feeling very alone, not in a bad way, but rather in a “we are all alone in this universe so we need to take care of ourselves” sort of way. So I decided what I needed at that moment was a $9 bottle of nail polish, an $8 bottle of wine, and “Julie and Julia” on Netflix. Sitting on my couch three hours later, I’m feeling much better about life (although to be honest, I haven’t touched the wine – something feels wrong about drinking alone). But let me tell you, that $9 bottle of nail polish was totally worth it. Today didn’t turn out so bad.


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