Sorry. We can't be friends.
A few years ago, before the world of pinterest, an acquantince of mine posted on FaceBook that she had enjoyed making butter with her kids that morning. It sounds delish, right? That's not how it sounded to me.
As I drove to my full time job, with breastpump attached, and visions of my sick child left at home with my husband, I came to a realization. We would never cross over from acquantinces to friends. Our worlds were too far apart. It's not that there was anything wrong with homemade butter, or that I disliked the idea of making butter, or her for making butter (heck, if we'd really been friends I'd have asked her to bring me some!). It's just that in that moment, I knew that a woman with the time and energy to make butter when there was a store a half mile away with perfectly good organic butter for probably cheaper than she could make it, was not destined to be my friend. I just wouldn't have the same kind of time she did to invest in a friendship no matter how awesome she is.
It became a big joke with my friends- "don't make butter or Anita won't be your friend." I told them they MAY make the cut since we were already friends, but no promises. It grew to include more things that are on my automatic cut list. 'We can't be friends if you...' now includes:
- Make your own butter. You get a pass if you are simply adding ingredients to purchased butter to add flavors. You also get a pass if you bring me some. Side note: At the time, I was making all my own baby food- both by boob and by blender. But I had realized there wasn't a comparable product I could buy. But butter? Come on. Since then, Pinterest has enlightened me that making butter isn't that time consuming. But whatev.
- Think it's gross that I don't wear socks: You are absolutely allowed to laugh at my sock "issues" but don't tell me it's gross or keep trying to convince me. I live in Florida, so flip flops are acceptable year round footwear. And sneakers without socks aren't that bad. (And we'll do a separate discussion on my sock issues one day I suppose. I need more feedback from my therapist first however)
- Know how to say no: If you know how to say no, you certainly have more time available than me. If you however, are only able to send me a text between your 7th commitment of the day and your 8th, we may be on the path to a beautiful thing. Unless you can say no to everyone but me and will come help me with one of my 82 things...
- Wear $200 jeans: This is a tricky one. I'm jealous, so that's why you make the list. Because a) you have the bod to warrant $200 jeans and b) you have an extra $200. So I'll be green with envy and that's never the start to a good friendship. Though to be real, if I thought $200 jeans would make me look like the people I know who wear them, I'd be all over that. Instead I have to stick to my $200 sunglasses that make me forget my ugly mom jeans.
- Never show up anywhere wearing sweats/yoga pants and no makeup: You won't want to be seen with me and my 60% of the time slouching it self. So I'll reject you before you can reject me. I have one friend who breaks the mold on this one. She's my lifesize Barbie friend. She's awesome enough to love me anyway.
- Can't take my sense of humor: I'm sarcastic more than real. I like to think of it as funny. But if you're not that way, that's okay. There are plenty of sweet lovely people for you. I'm just not one of them! Okay, I truly am sweet. I just hide it well. And this post? It's 95% joking! I promise. I'm constantly breaking rules. So even if you're a butter making, sock loving, socialite Barbie, once I know you, I'm sure I'll love you.
Just don't touch me with your socks.