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When this whole shitstorm began, I talked to my older sister, one of the few people I know who has been divorced at this age.
"You'll be sad for a while," she said, "and rightfully so. And at some point, you'll start to get really angry, and rightfully so. Then you'll just want to drink all the time. Just try to remember when you're angry, don't do damage. That looks bad in court. And don't drink if you can help it. All it does is waste your money and time."
I took her advice to heart. She after all had been here not that long ago, albeit a completely different situation, and I've often found that my sister speaks true wisdom more often than I'd like to admit, even if it sometimes takes me years to get it.
And I have been sad, devastatingly so. There's not a day that goes by that I don't cry. It's decreased from all out gut-wrenching soul-shattering breakdowns (though they still do happen every few days) to perhaps just sobbing, or a few stray tears escaping while I'm in yoga or I hear a song reminiscent of us.
However.
I'm starting to get angry. Really angry.
Unfortunately a lot of it I still can't talk about lest I compromise myself (and my case). But my husband is being irresponsible to a dangerous degree, as well as negligent, oblivious, and generally stupid. And he's still leaning on me to take care of a lot of the little things that escape him while he's too busy doing things for work.
Between this unmentionable stuff and the revelations about his emotional affair, I'm ready to f**k some things up. I'm not sure what (obviously not people, and not our home or things, because that's just ridiculous and low class. I wish the Wii and WiiFit were mine so I could box some of this out. Alas.) but I gotta find a way to get this out.
Anger scares me because it makes you impulsive and vindictive. It makes you brash and blind. And for me, my anger is usually palpable, nearly tangible, and frightening for both those who experience it and for the carrier of it.
So I have to stay calm. I have to keep my wits about me. I have to stay mostly silent. Which honestly, adds to my frustration and angst ... but as they have been for almost this entire experience, my hands are tied.
