A Story of Loss and Hope

Then I met my husband. I don’t know how he saw through the person I was to find the real me underneath. I’ll never understand how he put up with me in those first years, but he saw the real me in hiding and knew he could coax it out. It took time, patience, and a baby for me to realize that he wasn’t going to leave me, not then and not ever. It took time and patience for me to realize that my life is what I make of it, and that my dad would not have wanted me to live my life the way I was.

So I slowly started making my way back, really searching for the person I was supposed to become. I embraced my faith and all the LOVE I could absorb and give. I went back to school when Luke was only a few months old and finished my bachelor’s. I repaired my relationships with my family, and we moved away from where it all began and started anew. When I had the twins I went back to school for my master’s and now I’m on my way to being a CPA. It’s what I always wanted deep down, even if I thought I could never do it.

The amount that I have changed over the past 8 years is hard to describe. I’ve always been the person I am today, I was just tormenting myself by believing that I didn’t deserve to live this life. Becoming a mother and wife is what I was meant to do, I fully believe that. It’s the one thing in life that I know I’m doing right. I’m not saying that I’m a perfect mom or wife, far from it, but I know I give them as much love as anyone could. And finally, after all of these years, I’m able to love myself. I eat well and exercise, and though I may still get cancer, I’m doing my best to prevent it. I plan on living a long, healthy life with my family.

Life is hard, if it was easy it wouldn’t be nearly as wonderful. Do I have regrets from those years gone by? Sure, but I also know that they made me better able to love and be loved, to appreciate what I have and work hard for what I want. I’ll be able to pass those things on to my children, and that makes it worth the shame I still feel.

Now, I’m just carrying on. Wiping butts, mediating hair-pulling fights, and teaching that kindness, love, hope, faith, and bravery are the way to live.

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