Strange Place

It's a strange place I find myself in now.  

I've been reflecting a lot lately.  Possibly because I'm spending more time alone now than ever before in my life.  

I think of my life, my choices, events, relationships and how time continues to pass no matter where we are in life.

As the years pass and the relationships fade I realize I'm beginning to lose hope, to lose the optimism I once had.

Nine years, nine years since the end of my marriage, since the last major transition in my life.  At the time of my divorce I was an optimistic 36 years old. It was sad to see the changes in my life but in a way it was exciting to.  My small world was opening up to an unknown future with unlimited possibilities. A chance to make my life my own, live the life I would love. Chance to meet new people, develop new relationships.  Who knew where the journey would take me?

It was great for a while.  I built a large network of friends. I dated freely always anxious to meet new people, develop new relationships, some would be short and surely some would be long and life changing. I had children, two daughters, at the time they were 8 and 10. This was my chance to teach them independence and strength. 

Sailing wasn't always smooth but I had a great support system, so many other women in the same place of life, a new friend, also divorced, also raising daughters, so much in common and so much to share.

As time has passed people have moved on.  The group of friends I built happily moved on in their lives, they found lasting relationships, new marriages, new babies, new moves and new jobs.  Happily I congratulaed them all on their new adventures. It was only a matter of time until I found my own happy ending and I would join them all in the celebration.  But no, life had a different plan for me.  

I find myself now, 9 years later still stuck in relatively the same place just the scenery has changed. My daughters have grown and started lives of their own.  I'm endlessly proud of them, so happy to watch their lives unfold.  There were years of struggle, living through the tumultous teen years was trying some days I wondered if we would make it.  But we did and in reflection I know I did my best and my daughters have come to realize I did as well.  My oldest even telling me recently how much she appreciates what I did to help get her through.  My friendships have changed as well.  The group of girls I leaned on for support and friendship and endless adventures together have all moved on to their own relationships, they no longer really have time for the single girl they left behind.  NOt that its intentional, when we do see each other it is still a great time and lots of great memories but their lives are now filled with their significant other and to give that up to spend time with me isn't a priority.  I understand, I would feel the same if it had happened to me. but, it hasnt'.

So I'm the one left behind.  There is no where I seem to really fit in.  I've met new people but I realize I'm still seeking out the 30-37 year old women, single and looking, the same as I was, as we all were 9 years ago.  They will move on too, they will find their lives and the cycle will begin again.  Now though I'm not really one of them, I enjoy the activities I enjoy the relationships but I feel more like a mother, or an old-maid other sister.  Taking along out of kindness and caring but not really a part of the group.

This isn't the life I planned.  I'm not unhappy being single, there are times I'm very thankful.  I like my life as it is, I like having control over what I do, how I spend my money, what I do every day.  But I miss the companionship, I miss having that someone to talk to each day, the endless phone calls, the happy plans the sharing of a life together. It's not that I haven't tried.  I've been introduced, I've found them on my own, I've put myself out there online, I'm always open to chance meetings on the street, in the store, at lunch, at dinner, grocery shopping, it could happen anytime.  But, it doesn't.

The relationships I've had in the end always had a problem, I try to not be picky, I try to be the best me I can, but each one after some short time seem to fade away, or end tragically with a broken heart. When do I just decide its not going to happen, that as much as I would love to have someone in my life there is no one out ther who wants me in theirs.  So it is me, making it on my own, trying to find new ways to be happy, to enjoy my time in solitare.


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