Struggling

I debated for some time about sharing this post (I wrote this in my journal last week). I want to always keep a positive outlook on life and my condition. I know that I am in control of my treatment and life, but I think it’s important to share the not so glamorous side of diabetes (there really isn't a glamorous side). Know that I am in a good place, but writing has become therapeutic during this year. I am sharing, because I haven’t found anything in books that was “real” … that shows the range of emotions that one goes through. I hope that it finds someone that is thinking the same thing, and that they don’t feel alone. It’s the one thing I didn't anticipate, feeling lonely even with the love and support of my friends, family and co-workers.
 
I am frustrated, tired, sad, defeated and right now I feel like throwing in the towel. I can’t keep my glucose levels up high enough and when I do raise them…it’s too high. I feel like my body is waging war on itself and trying to self-destruct. It’s not comforting to know that if I didn't have insulin, it would be a year before I would die. Knowing that there is a medication that literally is keeping your body running is depressing, because in a roundabout way, I feel like God is saying, “your time is up.” I feel like I am cheating death every time I inject insulin into my body. I know that everyone will die, but I struggle with how much intervention some people get versus others. If insulin wasn't in my life and I died “naturally” what would my legacy be? What did I accomplish in my short life that was worth mentioning?
 
It’s so lonely. After my diagnosis, everyone came to be overwhelmingly supportive, but even a month later everyone was gone. I don’t know anyone with my condition. I often sit in my apartment and wonder if something happened, how long until someone would check on me? Random things make me burst out into tears and my poor fur-baby, Molly, just comfortingly sits on my lap. It’s weird, because I am normally a very independent, do what I want person. Diabetes has surprised me; it’s made me vulnerable, needy, and emotional. 

Victoria

Author of lace&glucose

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