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Blogging at isthisthemiddle.blogspot.com while meandering the minefield of midlife. I read, write, teach, and laugh as much as possible. Not always i...
 
 
 
 

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The Student Who Taught Me

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I met Ted the second semester I taught at a community college—just a few short years ago.

He sat in the front row. His legs were too long to fit under the ridiculously small 1970’s desks we had then. The chair seemed tiny in comparison to his frame. He was a former Marine, 49, six-foot-five, and the oldest student in the class. Ted was even a couple of years older than the newbie instructor--me.

When he first spoke up, challenging me on an essay we’d read for the English comp class, I thought, “What am I going to do with this dude?”

His voice boomed off the concrete block walls of the classroom.

The essay we’d read for class that day, “The Androgynous Man,” was pure crap, Ted informed me. I later learned he’d been a drill instructor among his many other Marine Corps positions, so no wonder his lungs seemed to dwarf my pitiful, newly developing “teacher voice.”

You know what? That essay was pure crap.

And Ted was going to be Trouble with a capital T.

I didn’t know what to think about Ted. I thought I was prepared to work with military, former-military, and military-dependent students, but no one had mentioned Ted. I found I was dumb as a mud-stump.

Ted even had to explain to me what “Sergeant Major,” his last rank before retirement, meant. Even though my dad was a WW II Marine Corps vet, two of my brothers were Marines, and one brother served in the Navy, enlisted men all, ranks were fuzzy to me.  I had no clue, until Ted, that S.M. is the highest rank an enlisted Marine can hold, and that the rank is not just another Sergeant.  Sergeant Majors are few and powerful. They can and do talk back to officers.

Because of his “no bullshit” attitude, it had taken Ted a bit longer than it might have to achieve this high rank, but he was justifiably proud of the achievement. Ted seemed an anomaly to me at first, a Marine to the bone, an American patriot in the tradition of the best fighting force in the world, who was not afraid to point out flaws in the Marine Corps. In spite of my personal experience with my father and brothers, who are as different in their political views as any other randomly chosen group of four men, I had the dumbass idea that many military men and women were generally brainwashed into unquestioning support of their service branch.

In the years since he was my student, thanks to Ted and many other individual students, I’ve come to realize that there is no such thing as a “military” person. Each man or woman who is serving or has served may have shared the same training, the same job title, the same rank, the same duty station and more, but the military never truly “takes over” the person the way I suspected. Generalizing about military or former military members is not wise, is not accurate, and shortchanges them. They are individuals who may share a sense of camaraderie.

There has never been another Ted, that’s for sure.

Soon, I realized Ted was not my adversary in the classroom. It happened slowly, but I saw him nodding in agreement during class lectures. He visited my office with rough drafts of his papers. He was good at expressing himself in an essay. He was unfailingly polite, carefully considered my criticisms and suggestions, revising his papers to bring them up to A level. He worked hard.

We grew to like each other, and although our classroom banter was a little edgy, we gained each other’s respect. Ted will never understand how much his respect means to me.

There came a day, though, when Ted sat sullenly in the classroom. He wasn’t looking at me, wasn’t paying attention, wasn’t answering any of the questions I posed to the class.

I thought he had a hangover. I was a bit angry because I expected more of Ted.

Frustrated, I finally called on him by name. “What’s the matter with you today, Thaddeus? Celebrate a little too much with the boys at the club?”

“My nephew was killed in Fallujah last night,” he said, flatly.

Of course, the rest of the class members fell silent. Of course, the wall clocked ticked, ticked, ticked.

“Oh, Ted. I am so sorry,” I finally mumbled.

I will never forget those words, “My nephew was killed in Fallujah last night.” Never.  The clock, and Ted’s face, and his long legs crunched up under the stupid too-small desk. The nephew was married, and had an infant son at home.

Ted was gracious,

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DesiValentine4 316 pts

So awesome, Melanie! HOORAY FOR YOU!!!! =D

isthisthemiddle 531 pts

DesiValentine4 Thanks, Desi. I have to come over to your blog and see what foods were up this week.Bought truffle oil in your honor the other day. For readers who don't know, Desi has a worthy goal of trying 100 new foods. Check out her BlogHer posts & blog! Fab writer!

DesiValentine4 316 pts

Truffle oil? I'm going to have to check that out! Thanks :) isthisthemiddle

KarenLynnn 498 pts

what a beautiful story and a very nice tribute for Ted. i just cannot even imagine what a "knock at the door" would do to me. i feel so bad for all who have lost anyone in this political war. you sound like an awesome teacher Mel. *hugs*

isthisthemiddle 531 pts

KarenLynnn Aw, thanks, KarenLynn. You are an empathetic lady. We can't have too many caring people like you. Hugs back, doll.

@BehavioralChild 49 pts

Happy now? You just made me cry like a baby!

isthisthemiddle 531 pts

@BehavioralChild Thanks for reading. Sorry about the tears.

georgerede 9 pts

A marvelous piece, for all the reasons cited by others. It's not just a story well told, with a nice blend of description and dialogue, but it also delivers a powerful takeaway lesson: Avoid the temptation to assume. Too often, you'll be wrong. I learned this several years ago from a summer intern in our office. I noticed she was the only one of about a dozen college students who had not attended an activity I'd organized for the group. I wrote her an email with attitude, asking if she'd forgotten the time or day. No, she replied, her grandma had died.

isthisthemiddle 531 pts

georgerede I wish I could say I had learned my lesson for good and all, but I have to keep learning it. It's so easy, perhaps an occupational hazard of teaching, to assume I'm the smartest chick in the room. Guess what? I'm not, and I learn something new every day.

Thanks so much for the kind remarks and for stopping by. We love seeing men on BlogHer!

paulag01 11 pts

Oh I so agree... we are all works in progress and re-learning lessons. That's why I was so glad to feature your story as a reminder to us all. isthisthemiddle georgerede

isthisthemiddle 531 pts

paulag01 Sincere thanks for the feature. My students are remarkable and teach me every day. :)

outstatemom 7 pts

I love this post. I never really thought that much about it, but your statement

"...I had the dumbass idea that many military men and women were generally brainwashed into unquestioning support of their service branch." has certainly been true for me too...and I love this:

"...I’ve come to realize that there is no such thing as a “military” person. Each man or woman who is serving or has served may have shared the same training, the same job title, the same rank, the same duty station and more, but the military never truly “takes over” the person the way I suspected. Generalizing about military or former military members is not wise, is not accurate, and shortchanges them. They are individuals who may share a sense of camaraderie."

Very well written and thank you.

isthisthemiddle 531 pts

outstatemom I overlooked mentioning my young niece who is a former Army Sergeant and served in Iraq and as a civilian in Afghanistan. Sorry, Jackie! She is yet another example of a military person who is as different as can be from any of the other military members I spoke of above.

Thanks for visiting and for the kind remarks!

elaineR.N. 232 pts

There is no doubt in my mind that you are a marvelous teacher and a very caring and sensitive person. I am still teared-up over this story. Part of it is because of the loss and part because I understand how hard it must have been for Ted and his family balancing the pride with the untimely death of a loved one serving his country. Thank you for telling us this story.

isthisthemiddle 531 pts

elaineR.N. Thank you for stopping by, Elaine, and for the kind words. It was one of those "time stands still moments" and I try to imagine myself in Ted's place, coming to school the day after I had heard this news. What kind of strength did it take to get up that morning and come to campus? The thought floors me.

HomeRearedChef 714 pts

I had to come back and yell a hearty CONGRATULATIONS MELANIE, for being featured again!!! YIPPEEE!

Your crazy friend now signing off!

~Virginia

isthisthemiddle 531 pts

HomeRearedChef Thanks, my dear, and I see your Drunken Fruitcake post is getting loads of attention, as well it should. I love a traditional fruitcake, and may need to make one (or more!) this year in your honor!

souschef 46 pts

Other than my dad and uncles I had never had any interaction with military types. Then at my, "going through college part-time job" I encountered Kenny and he was only the first in a long line of characters who altered my view of the ex-military. By now I know they are all different and the best ones leave you changed a little bit. But you do have to be willing to listen.

Congratulations on your Ted!

HomeRearedChef 714 pts

What a lovely thing to say! You've touched my heart with your comment. souschef

~Virginia

isthisthemiddle 531 pts

souschef I love your comment "the best ones leave you changed a little bit." Thanks for your comment and your insights! Yes, Ted is one for the record books. :)

HomeRearedChef 714 pts

Melanie, your story, your honesty, has touched me. I even felt my heart sink, as if this SM had told me what he told you, "My nephew..." That does teach us that we just never know....

isthisthemiddle 531 pts

HomeRearedChef So very true. You would like Ted. He's such an interesting set of contradictions: a badass Harley rider, rose-gardening, butt-kicking, gentle grandpa. And he's a good writer! They really broke the mold after they made him.

victorias_view 1024 pts

I could hear the pin drop in the classroom - it must have been one of those moment you would like to go back and just stay silent. He sounds like a very good adversary and I think it is always good to have someone challenge you when you least expect it ;)

isthisthemiddle 531 pts

victorias_view You are so wise, VV.

I have had to learn that lesson many times throughout my life: we never know what other people are going through, and why they may not be acting very pleasantly on any given day. Someone may have died, they may be going through a divorce, they may have lost their job or home.

As a person who prefers to avoid confrontation, I do need a good adversary to keep me thinking and on my toes. Ted was a great sparring partner. He taught me lessons in how not to be a big wimp!