I became a widow on September 8, 2010, Labor Day weekend. Although my husband was ill, death was never given as an option for his type of illness, in my mind at least. We had a few close calls, but our faith in God allowed us to believe he would be healed. Well he was, just not here on earth. What further complicates this whole process is that I was falling in love with my husband all over again. We became empty nesters during his illness and that brought our relationship to a whole different level. We could have those intimate moments without being interrupted. We would have long conversations about our future together. We even took a trip for our 20th anniversary and it was the best trip we had ever been on before. Just so happen our anniversary was on June 2nd, 2010. We went out to dinner sometimes when we did not feel like having a homecooked meal. Ours was not a perfect marriage but it was getting better.
So now I find myself in a new role, a single middle aged woman. Not quite the role I had envisioned for myself. I thought we would grow old together and do the things that retired couples do. But here I am, growing old without my best friend, my lover, my helper. And I am back in the dating mode, somewhat. I find myself wanting to go out and attend certain functions but I don't because I do not want to go by myself, especially at night. I know I could go with friends, but there are some events I would like to go with a gentleman. I miss having that male companion to enjoy certain events with.
And I also find myself celibate and that is something that I really have to get use to. Although I am in my early 50's, I am a very vibrant woman with needs and wants. Because of my beliefs, I must abstain from sex until I am married, but that does not stop me from desiring to have sex. And I do not want that to be the reason I remarry, because marriage is not just about sex. I found that out when my husband took ill and he just did not have the desire to have sex as much as we use to. It is a total commitment and I want to honor my vows.
It has truly been a struggle for me. I find myself being the 3rd wheel, going to places with my sister in law and her husband. Going to the movies and dinner with my sons, bless their hearts. I went to a movie and lunch by myself one time and although I felt that I had accomplished a small victory, I have not done it again. Somedays I feel like I have moved on and other days I want to be a wife, a Mrs., a married woman again. I have been to weddings but it was very hard at first. I have a Facebook account so when couples post about their anniversaries, I tend to get a little sad. I am happy for them, but I miss celebrating those milestones.
When I got divorced I was ready to hop unto the dating train immediately, but I was 25 years old at the time and I was wanting to be married again. This time I am 51 and the dating game is not what it use to be. I find myself less tolerant of BS and not willing to jump in the bed so quickly to get my groove back. I have grown and gotten comfortable with being in a monogous relationship and I do not like the idea of having to date 2 or 3 men at once. I get confused very easily and juggling several names and phone numbers would not work for me. I tried to have a male friend, and that just doesn't float my boat, but I think I will try to get out of my comfort zone and do that eventually. Everytime I was friends with a man, he was a potential boyfriend or husband. My sons are reluctant to have me go out because they know how some men can be and they just want to protect me. My older son wants to see me be happy and if a relationship with a new person would make me happy he would be okay as long as he knows that I am safe. But not the middle and youngest son. They tend to push back when I say that I am interested in dating. My middle son is expecting a child soon so he would rather me just stay at home and be a grandma. He has told me that my dating and marriage days are over. And the youngest son thinks it is out of the question for me to be with someone other than his dad. I will consider their feelings but I know that I have the final say so. Well actually God has the final say so. So until He allows someone to come into my life, I will just wait.
So as my friend says, "That's my story and I'm sticking to it."