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Recently, I was sitting with a friend and telling her all about a job interview I had just had. I was talking about how well it went and how much I enjoy the people, and when she asks, "So, do you think you got the job?" I replied with, "Sure I do. I get every job I've interviewed for over the past 10 years."
Then my friend, a friend who has always been there for me and would never think of being unsupportive, looked at me and said, "Wow, THAT was conceited."
I stammered for a second, surprised by her critical remark. She blanched when she realized what she had said, and quickly backpedaled: "Well, that's just not something people say. I mean, that's great and all, but really, who says that?"
This got me thinking about a few things. First of all, why shouldn't I be able to tell one of my closest friends that I've always had good luck with job interviews? Should I lie and say that I don't have a good track record? Or should I pad it in some way, to make her feel better and make myself look less capable? And why should downgrading my own accomplishments make her feel better at all?
Now, I don't blame my friend for being critical. It was just a quick remark that slipped out, but clearly there was some deeper issue at hand. But still - why does a compliment towards yourself often come across to someone else as a criticism towards them?
If I were to look in the mirror and say out loud, "Wow! I look great today!" Anyone standing within earshot might slip me a incredulous sidelong glance. Because, really, as much as we say that we should have strong self-esteem, it's really not okay to display that strong self-esteem in public. What's up with that? If I have a great interview track record, or I look damn hot that day, shouldn't people be happy for me? Shouldn't my friends be happy for me?
This led me to begin thinking about the language we use everyday. I don't know if you subscribe to the Laws of Attraction thing, but there's a whole school of thought out there that teaches you to use language that moves you in the direction you want to go. For example, you don't say, "I really want that new apartment, but I don't know if I'm going to get it." Instead, it would be more constructive to say, "I really want that apartment and I deserve to get it."
The way things work now, it's difficult to do this because people don't like it when you speak well of yourself. You hear terms like "self-absorbed" or "way to toot your own horn." And really, that's not fair. If anybody in the world is going to say that I look hot or excel in some area, I should be at the top that list. Because if you don't love yourself, and you're not your own cheerleader, how the hell can you expect anybody else to root for you?
I propose that we, as women, try to do our best to let others compliment themselves. Or even, encourage it. When a dear friend is down on herself, ask her to acknowledge her greatness. Take her to a mirror and say, "Look, here's a great thing about you. Now, you say it." The more we practice something the easier it becomes in the future, and this may be the best gift you can gie someone this holiday season: the ability to say, "Hey, I kick ass."
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Stephanie Stiavetti
Food blog: http://www.wasabimon.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/sstiavetti
