When at all possible, don't make promises to your children. It's a simple rule, but tough to follow. Promises are sometimes hard to keep. Things happen. Life happens. Poo happens. We all want to make our children happy. Having their faces light up when we say things like "We're going to the movies on Friday", or "We're getting a pool" or  "Your dad is taking you on vacation this summer". They get excited, their mood is uplifted and they are actually happy to help with the dishes!

But what happens when you get a flat tire on Friday evening and all the tire shops in your small town are closed,  You find out that your husband's getting laid off, or dad has cancelled his plans for the summer?

To a Child

Broken Promises = LIES

Children translate broken promises into LIES. That's how they feel. That YOU lied to them, and it hurts...bad. The people whom they love and trust the most have let them down in the most intimate of ways.

I have two teen children from a previous marriage. My ex-husband promised to take the children on a vacation to Maryland this summer for a family reunion. The children spent the past six months talking excitedly to cousins in Kentucky, planning theme park visits with grandparents, and thinking of what it would be like to see Arlington Cemetery and the Pentagon with a relative that has military on the brain. 

One afternoon my daughter was on the phone with one of her cousins who said "The last thing I heard was that you guys weren't coming to the reunion. Your dad cancelled the trip". My daughter was devastated. She got off the phone and cried for hours. I spent all that time trying to console her, and calling everyone that I could to find out what was going on. (Their dad wasn't answering his phone) It was all true: her father had changed his mind, and did not want to attend the reunion or even to send the kids without him. His family was angry and not speaking to him, but worst of all his children were very, very disappointed.

When I finally was able to speak with him, my ex explained that he had a disagreement with his family and no longer wanted to go to the reunion, but instead wanted to take the children on a "surprise vacation" and not tell them where they were going (After some cajoling he did tell me, by the way).  It still wasn't enough though, the kids didn't believe that they were going on a vacation, and remained angry and slighted for weeks until it was time to pack. 

I was given an itinerary, and the children left with dad and had a wonderful, exciting vacation. They got to spend all the time with their dad and his wife, instead of with relatives that they didn't know. They were able to go to places that really would interest them and had experiences that they will remember the rest of their lives.  During the vacation, some of their plans changed at the last minute. They missed a couple of shows and events that they wanted to attend, and they decided to cut the last day of travel off since the kids really weren't interested in visiting some of the places on the itinerary. It really was a great surprise vacation for them and they had more fun than they would have at the reunion!

After the kids got home, they again expressed their hurt feelings over the initial let down regarding their vacation plans for the summer. If they had never known about the first reunion trip, my ex could have avoided so much pain and hurt. The surprise vacation was a great idea, but not speaking directly with the kids about his change in plans was also very painful for them.

I try to never make promises to my kids. I enjoy surprising them with as much as possible. Whenever I have an idea for an event I talk it over with my husband and we make secret plans unbeknownst to the kids. Its wonderful to see their faces when they get surprised with a special unexpected gift, trip or party. It's always better than promises that have the potential for being broken. To me, a promise to the kids is sort of like knowing what your Christmas gift is before you open it. This presant is fragile like glass, and it could get broken. If it does, it can do irreparable damage to your child and that is something none of us really ever want to do.