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This summer, I’m leaving the Bay area for a few months to work on a project (okay, it's a start-up).
While I am incredibly excited about what I am about to do, ands think it’s a good decision; aspects of this choice totally fill me with terror. You see, in the past I’ve been an escape artists of sorts, someone who (unconsciously) used work and travel and career momentum to put enough distance between myself and ambivalent relationships to make them bearable.
Unfortunately, that tendency—and the travel—definitely played a role in trashing and/or stressing more than one relationship. Today, three years out from coupledom and five years out from the pain, I truly believe that whether my ex and I should have stayed together so long or not, the separations that my travel schedule imposed were a final nail in the coffin of ever making things between us work better.
Given that realization, I’m approaching my three-month stint in another state with both apprehension and determination. Apprehension about how thin the distance might stretch our bond; determination about not letting things get too bad and playing an active role in maintaining the ties with A.
How does one balance an intense ski-jump and sprint of a summer with maintaining a close relationship in another state? Very consciously, I’d say. Deliberately. And, to be told, with great stubbornness.
In other words, I am not only talking with A about the separation and what it’s going to feel like (sad), but I’m planning ways to make it less difficult. For one thing, A and I have been talking about what will be the hardest about my leaving town. To my surprise, I learned that A’s biggest issue was not that he wouldn’t see me day to day, but that plan we were making together would be on hold. My biggest thing, on the other hand, was that I’d miss the day-to-day time we spent together; I’d miss his presence.
As we talked, we came up with some strategies to address each of our big issues—
For A, I am going to come back to the Bay area on weekends later in the summer so that we can continue to focus together on some goals and projects we share. I’m also going to spend some focused time, long-distance, helping with the planning to make those things happen.
For me, A is going to come and visit a couple of times, and be available via phone and email; he’s also going to drive with me on my road trip, something I really appreciate (hitting the road solo with the dog could be interesting, but having a traveling partner seems so much better).
For both of us, part of what will help manage the loss will be maintaining a sense of forward momentum—i.e.—finding ways to remind ourselves this separation is for a limited period of time.
Here’s some of what we’re going to do to keep things going, despite the distance:
- Make plans to see one another, and keep them. Continuity will help the rough patches, I hope.
- Make plans that keep our longer-term goals going. And act on them.
- Count the days. Yeah, separations suck, but they have end points.
- Agree it’s okay to see other people if that’s what we want. And that we don’t need to talk about it.
- Stay connected: email, phone, IM, notes, photos, whatever….
- Plan for my return and our being together once again.
It will be silly to say I’m not regretting this separation and a bit scared about it.
But it would be dishonest to pretend I don’t think my summer plans are going to be a great experience and a real help for my new project. So, the trick is to try to balance, and if balancing doesn’t work, to hold on for dear life to what we have and what we mean to one another.
Three months. It’s a long time, and yet not that long. A quarter of a year. A lifetime.
Please, if you have strategies for managing seperation that work for you, do share them here.
Meanwhile, some worth a read blog posts on separation follow:
Hola, Isabel!: In which I made a vow to never have a long distance relationship again
"And then I vowed to never ever again have any part in a long-distance-relationship. I made a promise, to myself, and the God’s in Heaven (and my friends and family) to only date boys that lived within 15 miles of my parents."
