On Taking My Husband's Name

Ultimately, I was too lazy to change my name when I got married.  I have a long professional resume and many places I would have had to deal with had I done that.  Of course, I was in my mid-30s when I got married.  Perhaps that makes a difference?

MLO / Melissa

I am about to change my last name to my husband's last name because we're about to become parents. We've been together 16 years and married for six. I was 33 at the time we married and thought, hell, 33 years is a long time to be somebody. I didn't want to be somebody else simply because I was married - I wanted to stay me, and I guess my name felt a big part of that.

Now that we're about to have kids, I want us to all share a name. My folks divorced and when my Mom remarried and took my stepdad's last name it really bothered me that we no longer shared that family signifier - like she'd defected and left me behind.

To be fair, my husband would take my name if it mattered. As silly as it sounds, he has the better last name so we're going with it.

My partner and I have kept our own names -- neither of us felt comfortable changing the surnames we  grew up with and had used professionally. We got married (in Ontario, Canada) in 2004, so perhaps the fact that we can have our relationship legally recognized (my huge condolences to all of you who were disappointed in California, BTW) may have played a role in that decision, although I'm not sure it did. Four years later, our two sons have our surnames, hyphenated, as their last name. Which is awkward, but the best solution we can could up with, given that it's important to us that we are both recognized as mothers. Lately, we've been mulling over the idea of creating a merged name for the kids, while keeping our own. I doubt we'll do it officially, but I'm starting to refer to them casually by the merged name.

 For those of you trying to conceive or who have conceived using a known donor, I am editing an anthology on the subject. We can use a few more essays, so if you have a good story or know somebody who does, please consider submitting. You can find more details at my blog -- click on the link to "Dyke moms, donor dads, and reconceiving the queer family." www.mamanongrata.blogspot.com ( http://www.mamanongrata.blogspot.com/ )

My partner and I became what I like to call "hyphenated lesbians." We did so primarily because we knew we would be having a child. I do think it has made it easier for people to see us as a family (in a country that does not). There's not the "(birth) mom" and "(birth) mom's partner," but, two moms.

That being said, a hyphenated name is truly a pain. Witness: "Which one is your last name?" And they don't mean, "Which one WAS your last name?" They really mean, "Which one do I use as your last name?" Grrr...

Our son has a middle name that can function nicely as a last name and we said, not too jokingly, that if he decides to abandon the hyphenated tongue twister he can just become "First Name -Middle Name."

I have known a couple of folks who created a new name altogether. E.g., Smith and Idzik became Smidzik. I preferred the hyphenation because I was already published and I liked that fact that, while I was still changing my name, at least part of the hyphenated name would be the same as my previous name. 

Whatever you end up doing - best wishes! 

When I got married the first time in my late 20's, I thought I would be cool to change my last name, although I kept my maiden name as my middle name so everyone would know I was married.  We had 3 kids and after our divorce, I went back to my maiden name because I did not want to be associated with him professionally or in any other way.

I just remarried and the issue of changing my name has created another schism that divides our blended family.  My children want me to keep my maiden name because changing my name will mean I am going over to the other side.  My stepchildren don't seem to care one way or another.  They only see their mother, at most, 20% of the time so I think they are more inclined to be happy about a name change because it solidifies my commitment to them.  My husband wants me to change my name to show my commitment.  To him, going through the effort of changing my drivers' license, bank accounts, SS card, etc. is a sign that I am in this for the long haul.

We have been married less than two months.  So far, I have changed the bank accounts only and used my new last name to sign the kids' school stuff.  He gave up his objections to a professional name change.  I already have a company and a professional license in my maiden name so he now (so far) understands that my maiden name stays in that part of my life.  My two younger sons have not raised any objections to my use of the new last name; it is only my older son who has requested that I sign his papers with my maiden name.

My take on all of this is as follows:  It is up to you and what makes you happy or comfortable.  I don't care that much, which is why my comments focus on the opinions of my family.  To me, it doesn't matter if I am referred to as "maiden name" or "married name" or "B's wife".  It does not change who I am or the level of commitment I have to my husband.  It also does not change how much I love and support my children. 

Though my husband never encouraged it, I took his name. I grew up in a town where there were three of me. And thousands more around the country. I was sure if I took his name I would be the only one. There are less than ten families in the US who share his surname and most of the first names are of Indian origin.

Of course, about a month after we got married, I discovered there's a woman who shares my name. Just one. I can live with that.

On the happy day that I ever get my kid's book published, it will be published under my parents' last name, my maiden name.

It totally works for me to travel through my adult life with my husband's name attached to me, but my book grew from the childhood my parents provided and their name deserves to be attached to it.

My 2 bits.

:: Adventures In Daily Living :: ( http://adventuresindailyliving.blogspot.com/ )

When my husband and I were married, even though I had felt a strong connection to my maiden name (it is unusual and there aren't that many of us) I took my married name without batting an eye.  And while it signified the joining of us, together, I did feel a sense of loss when I would sign my "new name" on documents for probably the first year or so.

But yes, I see the importance of having a shared name to pass on to one's children and children to be, like the first commenter said - and that is something I hadn't thought of, especially since my maiden name and married names each have so many syllables and letters (making any hybrid or hyphenating nearly impossible!). 

This has definitely given me something to think about, considering that we have a daughter who will lose "our" name if she choses, or not . . . but it is so important to keep those ties, even if it is just knowledge or a family tree . . . to see where your name comes from, it's meaning, and how that translates into the family that now bears it and honors it.

Stop Screaming I'm Driving! ( http://stopscreamingimdriving.com )

I took my husband's last name, but use my maiden name as a middle name now.  My maiden name had no special hold on me, it was my father's family name and I was not close to his family. I wanted to share a name with my husband, I did not want a made up or mishmashed name and this was our solution. I think last names are a very difficult thing. There is no right answer for everyone and I don't think there is any easy way to hold on to everything - maternal and paternal and spouse and still have anything individual too! I did use family names from my side for middle names for all my boys, but just because not to try and keep it "fair".  Good luck to anyone deciding - all I can say is that the best choice is what works for both partners and isn't horribly confusing for the children!

Laurie, mom of 3 boys and

blogger about my VA business ( http://halosecretarialservices.com/blog ) and my life as a mom ( http://vamomof3boys.com/blog )!

This is my second marriage. I went back to my maiden name and I didn't change it this time. My husband didn't want to "claim ownership" of me by having me change my name (his words).

And my son has my maiden name as his middle name. A lot of people in our family have done that. I never thought about adding my mom's name in, but we did incorporate her side of the family by naming my son after her father.

Becky
misspriss.org ( http://misspriss.org/ )
beckyscorner.com ( http://beckyscorner.com/ )
organizedmother.com ( http://organizedmother.com )

Well, maybe that's not entirely true, but didn't it sound all dramatic in the subject line?

;)

Seriously, I didn't change my name.  And I only considered it long enough to dismiss it.

Funny story--my daughter thought that my parents were siblings because they had the same last name, like she and her brother do.  She thought that because married people are not related by blood, they always have different last names.

In my early twenties, I married my "starter husband" and took his name.  I never really did feel like Heather C., but I tried.  About as hard as I did to keep my interest in the marriage.  So I changed my name twice in the span of a few years.

Then, not so many years later (OK, only one) I met the guy I was ACTUALLY meant to be with (if you believe in that meant to be stuff).  I just didn't have heart to do it again.  I had the idea that changing my name again would jinx us.  Because of how long a divorce takes, and how quickly the lives of Mr. Right (for real this time) No. 2 were intermeshed, I discovered there was more than one acquaintance who thought that my maiden name was my new married name.

I decided to go by my husband's last name socially, but not legally or at work.  I would not recommend this strategy.  Close family can grapse that they should send birthday cards to one name, but if they happen to need to write you a check or find out your room at the hospital, they must remember to use a different name.  But everyone else, it just confuses.

I've been thinking about changing my name again.  In between we've had 3 kids giving them my husband's last, so doing the mishmash, while cool, is just simply out because we'd have to change all 5 of us.  What I'm sticking on now is- his last name is boring.  James.  I already have a boring first name.  Heather.  On howmanyofme.com, it tells me there are like 20 million of me.  So I'm continuing the confusion for now.

I also never questioned changing my name, although it was really strange.  It has certainly given me a special insight into the joy and pain of my adopted children as they receive their new birth certificates.  There is joy in the joining, but there is pain in the change.

I'm not the person I was.  I am a new me - an ever-evolving me.  Now, it happens under the signature of my married name.  Thirteen years later, I don't think twice about it.  

Ya' know ... until someone blogs about it!

Christine

www.welcometomybrain.net ( http://www.welcometomybrain.net )

I've never been married, and I know at this point I don't want to change my name. I'm not saying that feeling would never change, but marriage in itself isn't a big deal to me -- so I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Personal blog: Zandria.us ( http://www.zandria.us )
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness ( http://blogher.com/blog/zandria )

Interesting topic, and timely as I'm currently considering a name change.

Back in the days when I was dating people with a Y chromosome, I never thought I would take the last name of my husband if I married.  I don't know if it was just a strong identity tied to my last name, or that I thought I would lose my individuality if I took some one elses name, or if it was just that the guys I dated just had the lamest last names, but whatever the case, it was just something I never thought I'd do.  The thought of being Mrs, Anyonebutmylastname, well I couldn't even wrap my brain around it.  Then I met Betty Please, and well, the whole name changing thing wasn't gonna matter because we can't marry.  So, I've been me, with my last name, for 37 years now, and now I want to change it.  After nearly 16 years together, I want to change my last name.

Why, you ask. BP and I are trying to have a baby, start a family, and the last name thing is now an issue.  I hadn't even really thought about it until we started talking about names we liked. Which inevidably ended up with us talking about how the names we liked would flow with what I just assumed would be my last name.  Which ended up leading to a conversation about connectivity, and how since I am going to be the bio parent, BP wanted to somehow feel connected to our kids.  I am completely sympathetic to her point.  I began thinking that it wasn't so important to me for the kids to have my last name, but I couldn't imagine my kids and I  not having the same last name. So I asked BP if she wanted me to take her last name.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted us to be of one last name.  And even if the kids don't come along right away, the name change is becoming more important to me.  Now it's becoming important to me for BP and I have the same last name.  I probalby won't ve able to do justice to why I've come to feel this way, because it isnt' going to change anything about our relationship, our love or our commitment.  But I've come to see it as giving us a sense of belonging that is ours.  May seem like a strange analogy, but it's sort of like belonging to a team, and having a team name and team colors, and the pride you get from belonging to and being connected to that group of people.  Or hell, even the way I used to feel as kid, belonging to our family.  The german ethnic last name family.  I want us to be the Soandsos, and all feel that we're a part of that, and that we belong together.

Maybe I've come to this perspective because I can't marry the person I love, who is my family and my life.  And maybe there is a part of me somewhere deep down, who does feel like the family BP and are creating is a little less than because there are those few people in our life (my parents to name a few), and the majority of people in this country, as evidenced by the 3 states who just joined the other 26, by voting in constitutional ammendment defining marriage, who don't think our relationship is equal to heterosexuals.  I don't know.  All I know, is that I can't wait for the day that we are referred to as the Soandsos or the Soandso family, rather just zoe and betty please.  I guess really jsut can't explain it. 

Oh, in case you're wondering...we're leaning heavily towards both changning our last name to a name that is a combination of our last names.  Not hyphenated, but like a mashup.  First part of hers and first part of mine.   I like the idea.  It's sort of like a joining of us, and a creating something that is ours, but from both of us equally.