Hello Body.  There are a few things we need to discuss.  First, it would be great if you would stop hurting when I am trying to get out of bed.  It totally sucks and makes it so I lie in bed way past the time normal people would get up to pee. Secondly, I don't think its necessary for us to continue packing on the pounds.  We are safe now, noone can hurt us anymore.  We don't need all of this extra padding to keep everyone at a distance.

We don't need the sex repellant feature of the fat stomach situation any longer.  When people try to hurt us, its isn't because of sex, its because of power.  LET IT GO!  WE ARE NOT A VICTIMS.  We are in a loving relationship with that other body that sleeps in the bed with us.  You know, the one that snores and farts over to the left?  I think its time that we partner up and take some action...how about it?  I will stop stuffing tater tots in you and you will efficiently burn calories?  Yes, I know, we have that small issue of your thyroid not working and that pesky tumor on your pituitary gland.  Those are no excuse for me not making you exercise.  Giving up is not an option.  Oh, I'd also really enjoy it if you could eliminate that majorly annoying eye twitching thing that happens when we are stressed...it doesn't help matters at all!  Ok, well, I would be remiss if I didn't apologize for not taking better care of you.  I'd say I did the best that I could, but that would be a lie.  I can tell you that I WANT to do better.... does that do anything for ya? All right, I love ya' and I look forward to really meaning that someday!

Love,

Me