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I was talking to a friend once about how I was trying to communicate something to my then boyfriend and figure out how we could move forward from it. There was a dynamic in the relationship that wasn't working, so I was talking to him about it, and also considering some reasonable adjustments to my own behavior to change the dynamic.
"Oh, so you're trying to change him! You can't change someone - you have to take them how they are!"
OK, I remember when I first learned the adage that you can't change another person. It was in reference to domestic abuse and drug addicts. I'm not kidding. And yes, if your partner is violent, I definitely suggest you not go into the relationship thinking your love is going to bring them around.
But the truth is that people *do* change within relationships - they have to. Relationships are based on compromise and learning to live with one another. If no one ever changed, you'd be looking for an absolute perfect puzzle piece - and that's just silly. Not only that, but the best relationships do challenge you to change, to rise to the relationship and possibly become a better person.
Now, you may date someone who refuses to change one bit, while you bend and twist like a pretzel. Maybe that's not the best relationship for you, and maybe you should leave. But going into a relationship with no expectation that the partners are going to evolve is just as silly as thinking you and your love can bring a truly dysfunctional person around.
Oh, wait, I totally forgot that you shouldn't have any expectations! Riiiiight...
Because if you release your expectations, then you'll never be let down. Here's the thing. That's a big old load of crap. The simple fact is, that the best relationships - romantic and otherwise - are ones where you DO have expectations and they are met more often than not.
Like most good advice, when I started learning about managing one's expectations there was some sense in it. Some people have ridiculously high expectations and completely freak out when those unrealistic expectations aren't met. So maybe you do need to tune your expectations into reality if that's the case. But *no* expectations? At all? Ever?
Sorry, that's absurd. I can surround myself with responsible, caring, common sense people who meet my - very reasonable - expectations, so why would I bother with someone who's just going to continually let me down?
And finally, a word about ultimatums. We are advised against them because they can be used to pressure and manipulate. And in that case, I agree, don't go there. But *never* an ultimatum? What happens if you really do need to leave the relationship if it's not going somewhere? Simpler example, what if you really aren't going to have sex without a condom? That's an ultimatum.
Ultimatums exist because you have a strong opinion and absolutely can't go the other way. Honestly, to say one shouldn't ever give an ultimatum is kind of a silencing technique. The trick is, of course, that you have to be stating a true fact, not trying to manipulate in a way you're going to back down from. You have to be ready to walk away if that's what you've said you're going to have to do. At its best, an ultimatum is open and honest communication about your truth. And if that's the way you need to go, I say go there, and if necessary after that, move on. Of course, use this one sparingly.
Too often I see these particular bits of advice - which are sometimes very justified - extended until they are absurd or negative. So I guess what I'm saying is, when it comes to changes within a relationship and expectations and ultimatums, don't be afraid to do what makes the most sense to you, even if it seems to go against a frequently used adage of relationship advice.
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Linky Goodness:
Why relationships don’t work out - from Natalie Lue on Baggage Reclaim
Relationship Gold: How to Keep a Relationship Like New - from Life Learning Today
Relationships and Ultimatums - from Kylie on 31 Woman
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
