A Tale Of An Exaggerated Cyber Boyfriend

I've never told anyone about you let alone tried to put us into context. I know you, I love you and I hold our relationship close to my heart but when I was asked "what do you love about him?", I almost hiccupped because I was caught off guard. It wasn’t until then that I realized that I don’t know a thing about you- I just think I do.

It’s an impersonal and distant connection, our relationship, but I swear I call you a friend. I don’t know where you work or who you call your family but I will tell you “I love you” until I’m breathless. Where did this even begin to then evolve into this thing…this dynamic? Why I do I keep saying “I love you” when I know that it won’t ever be returned in person? I don’t feel lied to or taken advantage of but I do feel silly for thinking our once-in-a-while discussions and flirting could meaning anything more than the words to describe it.

Your persona is laid-back, friendly, charming and energetic but what are you like when you’re hungry, tired or running late? Do you call your mom regularly or are close with your brother? What do you eat for breakfast or sing along with when you’re happy? It’s easy to think you know someone when they’re miles away and when they share what they feel is necessary. In turn- why do I love what I know? Why do I believe you without asking for more from you? It’s so easy to brush off the idea that what was once a cute crush is now a habit.

Am I afraid to let you go? Am I afraid to stop being polite and stop pretending and start dating ‘real people’? What if those ‘real people’ are selfish or awkward or forward? It is better to experience that in person or continue to experience that with you while its masked with charm, labeled as “typical you”? What are we? Are we able to be defined? Do you want to be included in this? You’ve said you care for me but never how much, to what extent or why. Is this a good time to talk about this? If its not a good time the maybe in another 10 years, maybe when you’re married.

I answered the question posed to me as truthfully as I could but I sounded immature and unclear. I love your passion but I know of only one hobby. I love your humor but I know of only one topic you comment on. Your kindness, I love that but I’ve never seen an example of it myself. Most of all I love your intelligence, but I couldn’t begin to say how you’re smart or what you’ve studied.

Did I make this up? Did I make you up? It’s almost as if I did because no one in my ‘real life’ knows you exist or that I tell you “I love you”. What do you love about me? What do want from this…from me? I used to think that it was cute to stay in contact and at the very least be an odd pair of pen pals but even that didn’t happen. I’m here when you’re bored and you’re there when I’m lonely; no matter how hard I think I can’t find an acceptable label for this. So where do we go from here? Does this have anything more to it than I think? Does this relationship have any more room to grow or become any more real?

My imagination ran away from me and I can’t help but speak out of embarrassment. I realized that in reality we aren’t the close friends that I thought and at one time wanted. No matter how many times I say “I love you”, it won’t change a thing. You’re still dating her and not me. You live over there and not here. You’re older and I’m younger. You always have an excuse, the ability to sign off and live your ‘real life’ while I pick through this.

I’m done with not living a ‘real life’ for myself so I’m breaking up with you. Turns out, I don’t love you and the polite habit I had was lying to myself about you. I don’t love you and I haven’t for a while. Now that I understand this I’m going to sign off and live a ‘real life’ too.

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