A Tale of Two Titties

Let me begin by saying that I am a huge advocate of breastfeeding. I'm
a dietitian and therefore must, if at all possible, breastfeed all of
my biological children. That being said...ouch! If you are a man and
don't care about my nipples, I suggest you stop reading now. If you are
a girl that is pregnant at this time, I highly recommend you read the
gory details.

I knew breastfeeding would be somewhat difficult.
It is a very natural process but that doesn't necessarily mean it comes
naturally. The lactation consultant at the hospital hasn't breastfed a
child in a few decades and bless her heart was no help at all. She
asked me if I have any questions when my son was a day old. Lady, I've
never sustained a child with my breast before! He sure as heck hasn't
sucked on a tittie before either...the umbilical cord is pretty self explanatory. I mumbled an "I guess not..." and she was out the door.

That was no big deal until my tatas
looked like I had put them through a garbage disposal. I was aware
enough to know that it may be a latching issue but that doesn't mean I
knew how to fix it. I put in calls to the hospital's lactation
consultant again....seeing as now I have some questions and also the
one at our pediatrician's office. Again, the lady at the hospital said
to slap on some lansinoh and have fun. Not a good suggestion seeing as I have open wounds on my nippies! It does make an exceptional lip balm though so no loss there.

My
miracle worker, we will call her the boob fairy, called this morning. A light from Heaven shined
upon my cell phone. I set up a time to come in so she could watch me
feed the little hoover. It was my first trip out alone with the little hungry tyke. We
did pretty good. I didn't forget how to use the carseat or
anything! Yay for me!

She
gave me some great tips on how to get him to latch on which saved my
life I do believe. She weighed him and he went from 8#5oz. to 8#10oz.
since Friday. He's a big boy much to the chagrin of my hooters. The boob fairy checked out his mouth to make sure there wasn't anything going on there
that makes it hard for him to latch, but alas it is all my fault.

No
pictures will be involved in the making of this blog. Here's a mental
image: me sitting in a chair with my mangled melons hanging out,
the bundle of joy in nothing but his scivies (diaper). Boob fairy grabs himby his little
head, squeezing his ears. She grabs my right boobie and shoves us
together like you would slam a car door...one swift movement. She
manages to do this while also keeping his claw like fingers of death
away from my sensitive teets.

It worked! He latched and it only
felt like I was being pinched by a snapper turtle for a few minutes.
She also told me some medicine that might help the wounds heal. Dr. Jack Newman's All Purpose Nipple Ointment, AKA Miracle Goo, and said
pumping and keeping him away from my chest for 45 hours would help them heal...dear hubby may do
the night feedings now seeing as my eyes look like those of a 70 year
old's.

So, I went to walgreens for the goods and kidnapped the Boob Fairy so she would grab my dirty pillows every 2 hours so my child could eat.
The last part is not true. I did buy some candycorn though.

That
is the saga of the not-so-fun bags. Now when I see a bumper sticker for
"Save the TaTas", though I am a huge advocate for finding a cure for
breast cancer, I will always think of my Boob Fairy and how she saved my tatas.

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