Tales of a 36 Year Old Virgin, Chapter 1 - My Virgin Post
MY VIRGIN POST.
Ahh, the joys of the double entendre. Yes, this is my virgin post – not just here on blogher, but anytime, and anywhere. This blog is to follow me - a 36 year old virgin – that has reached a crossroads in her life.
I’d like to begin by sharing why I’m starting this blog; but honestly I’m not completely clear on that myself. Even as I type I'm surprised that I’m doing this, and I feel a bit as I imagine I’d feel if I was getting ready to pop that other cherry; nervous, a bit uncomfortable.
I even have some of the same questions coming to my mind as I imagine I’d have the first time I have sex; will people know I did this? Will it show on my face? Will my secret somehow get out?
With all of these questions unanswered, I’ll just begin with what I hope will be the basic, immediate background of the story. The purpose of a first post, I would think, would be to familiarize ourselves with the basic roadmap of how we got to our "You are here" sign.
I got my first period at 13. I'm amused, when looking back, to realize that I had the same reaction to that period that I did to each period that followed; "Oh fabulous – exactly what I didn’t need today."
Soon, my periods were severe; painful, and bloody. I tried to use tampons, but could never successfully insert them. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong – my aim, my understanding of basic female geography – but ultimately I gave up and accepted the fact that my fate, however unfair it was, lay with pads.
When I was 22, I finally went to an OBGYN for the first time, to ask for birth control pills. I had heard they could help manage heavy periods. The doctor attempted a female exam on me. After a great deal of pain, shame, and embarrassment was suffered through, she finally gave up. She said my vagina was unusually small, she had no speculum small enough to work on me, and couldn’t even give me a pap smear. She said there was nothing to do about this issue, but sadly tampons would be out of the question for me, to say nothing of sex.
She said it like she was breaking the news to me that the milk in my refrigerator had gone bad; it was unfortunate news, to be sure; but she clearly saw no reason to cry over my extremely personal spilt milk.
She did, however, jot down a script for birth control pills that she handed me airily.
I left her office befuddled and numb. Over the course of the next 5 years I would see 4 more doctors, 3 of which were OBGYN’s and all of whom would provide the same diagnosis with the same lack of interest. No sex for you. Who’s next in the waiting room? One mentioned I had been "born wrong". Ahh, bless.
I am extremely liberal in my thinking on most things, sex included. As a girl raised in a very religious and conservative household, however, part of my programming always whispered to me that maybe I shouldn’t care, because hey; doesn’t this just keep you out of trouble? No risk of STDs, no risk of unwanted pregnancy, and none of the regrets I watched all my friends go through as a result of poorly thought out sexual encounters. I became, in many ways, the stable friend; never changing, and, ironically, sought out to provide relationship advice, my lack of experience having at least granted me a way to see the forest for the trees.
It did not, however, change the fact that I continued to be denied entry into the club called "Normal Life". That was going on without me. I didn’t get involved in relationships, because there was nowhere for them to go. There was the "rest of the world", and then there was me; isolated on my own little island, in an icy ocean called celibacy.
In July of this year, I had an endometrial ablation to finally put an end to my horrible periods. While this can normally be done in the doctors office, the doctor advised we’d have to do it with general anesthesia, since she could not get through my vagina to my uterus while I was conscious without causing me a great deal of pain.
I assumed, after the failed attempt at an exam we’d had only moments ago, that she was discussing my hopelessly small vagina. After surgery, however, I received word that she had done a hymenectomy, because my hymen was far too large, far too thick, and had an extremely small opening. I got this news second hand since I didn’t get to speak to the doctor after coming out of anesthesia.
I began to hope that this would help my "issue". The two weeks between the operation and the post-op doctor’s appointment were the longest of my life as I waited to ask questions. Finally the day arrived; but when asked about this, she looked at me as if I was a crazy person.
"What are you talking about?" she asked.
I repeated my question to the best of my ability. How much would the hymenectomy relieve the issues I faced because of my overly small vagina? Was there any hope for sex?
She continued to look at me as you would a person asking what year it was, or what country they were currently located in.
"That WAS your problem." she said, as if she could not comprehend my lack of comprehension. "The hymen was the problem. There’s never been a problem with your vagina, look, I’ll show you."
And with that, she proceeded to give me, at 36, my first successful female examination. All the pain, all the discomfort – it was gone – and more importantly, she was really in! Something had made it past the gates.
The happiness this brought about lasted halfway through my drive to work; then my hands began to shake uncontrollably on the steering wheel. Her words echoed in my head, taunting me; "Why did you wait so long to get this done?" she had asked. I recalled as I drove how she had shared with me that the hymenectomy portion of the surgery had taken approximately 15 minutes.
I somehow made it through work in a fog before getting home and breaking down. I felt robbed. Who was I able to see that would answer for the last 20 years that had passed as my adulthood thus far? Why were those doctors all willing to tell me there was no recourse for me, when the truth was I needed a procedure that could be compared to having your tonsils out? My brain rejected the thought that an OBGYN could actually get flummoxed into confusing a large hymen for a small vagina, so…. What? Were they all late for their golf games? Did they have any comprehension of what an impact they had on my life?
And that, dear readers – if I have any readers – brings us to our "You are here" sign. Which begs the question, where do I go from here?
I suppose that, in fact, is the real reason for this blog.
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Welcome!
I have to tell you that as I read your post, I found myself first incredibly moved and then incredibly angry on your behalf. I am so sorry that you have 'lost' so many years because of the ineptitude of some mind-bogglingly stupid doctors. But I am so glad you have decided to blog and share your voice with the world! It must be so scary to suddenly feel that you have all kinds of experiences available to you that you thought were unavailable for many years and I admire your courage. I think you will find Blogher a very supportive community as you explore where you're going next - in some sense, I think all bloggers are trying to figure out where they're going next and blogging is about finding people who are interested in sharing the journey. So welcome and I really look forward to seeing you around the blogosphere!
Jenn
http://quirkyeconomist.blogspot.com
Thank you so much
I can't tell you how grateful I am for your comments Jenn. I did have a slight comparison in my head between an unread blog and the tree that falls in the forest that no one hears - and wondered if my blog would make no sound. :-) It's very comforting somehow to have made contact, and I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated it.
xoxo
Thanks for this post - you
Thanks for this post - you have a great voice! And thanks for this story.
I think more people need to realise they could and probably should question their doctors! I too feel very angry on your behalf.
Please keep blogging!
I think I have a recipe for that...
Stories of poor medical treatment make me so
mad
Thank goodness you finally found one who could help you.
I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Liz Rizzo
I blog at Everyday Goddess.
doctors are sometimes....
not always right. speaking as someone who was misdiagnosed for 18 years, when i had a possibly fatal autoimmune disease, i understand your plight with doctors. so cool that someone fixed it for you! woo! you know, one of my closest life long friends just had sex for the first time last november and she was 35- she actually had chose this though. i know plenty people who were virgins for a long time, and so even though you may feel cheated you are not alone- and i know for a fact that sex is way better when you are older because of the place you are in your mind. and losing your virginity really isn't as big a scary deal as people make it out to be - i waited a long time and when it happened i was literally like "oh , what was all the fuss about, this is cool" :)
Leslie @ The Oko box
www.oko-organic-clothing.blogspot.com
Okay, having read and
Okay, having read and appreciated one post, I've gone back. I'm also outraged on your behalf. It's awful that you were robbed of something so basic to human existence by people who couldn't care enough to recognize what they were saying and how it would appear to you. I'm very glad that you're going to get a chance to experience all this now. In some ways, having the wisdom of age applied to this process will probably be to your betterment, though that doesn't diminish the fact that I'm still outraged for you.
virgin at 36
I am also a virgin at 36 mainly by choice but now am ready to unleash. Unfortunately, now that I am ready I find that I am not large enough to accomodate penetration. My experience with gynecologists have been atrocious to say the least because most of them do not believe me. When I research the ones in my health plan I do not see any that specialize in hymenectomy. I have been searching on the internet for leads and found this post. I was wondering if you could recommend any gynecologist or medical organization of some sort that specializes on this issue.
You can do this on your own
I'm assuming you have had a gyn exam and the physician found no physical problems. If that's the case, you can assist yourself in resolving this problem starting with some lube, your own hand and then moving to "dilators". You can purchase those specifically marketed to the M2F trans patient or you can find sex toys that will do the job as well - start small, use lube, and relax. That last part is key.
~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Flamingo House Happenings
Not true for all women!!
When someone has an unusual hymen, this is NOT always the case Denise. It's not a matter of relaxing or streching - it's a matter of needing surgery.
The surger is short and simple if that is the only thing being done. Here is some more information from emedicine.com:
"Variations in the embryologic development of the hymen are common and result in fenestrations, septa, bands, microperforations, anterior displacement, and differences in rigidity and/or elasticity of the hymenal tissue.
In the case of incomplete hymenal obstruction due to a cribriform hymen or hymenal band, the typical presenting symptom is difficulty inserting a tampon or even the inability to achieve vaginal intercourse in an adolescent. Anatomic variations must be distinguished from involuntary vaginismus or contraction of the perineal and pelvic musculature or levator ani muscles, which can be associated with the learning process of tampon insertion, becoming a vicious cycle when persistent insertion is attempted without success and causes pain."
Rejoice, if this is your problem, then it can't be solved without surgery and it can be dangerous to try - if you rip the hymen when it's not built correctly instead of having it surgically fixed, it can lead to extreme bleeding, a trip to the hospital, and vaginal scarring that will make sex painful forever.
Most women need only a hymenotomy, which is a five minute in-office procedure that ANY smart thinking GYN should be able to preform. This is to cut a slit in the hymen so that it will give and you'll have a reasonable opening.
You don't need a specialist, this isn't something they specialize in, because in reality it's quite simple - once you get a decent doctor at all. When you call to make your appt, tell them the purpose of the appointment is to discuss a hymenectomy. Do your own research, know your own mind, and don't settle for anything less than a doctor you really trust who will either perform the surgery or who you believe totally when they say that's not your issue, ok?
Please, please PLEASE let me know how this goes for you or if you have any questions at all. I really want to stay in touch.
Agree
Which is why I asked if she'd been to her gyn and had not been diagnosed with a problem such as the one you describe.
~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Flamingo House Happenings
Just read your most recent
Just read your most recent post and had to come back here to start at the beginning. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
I'm a day late and a dollar short
But I really appreciate this post!! I had many, many similar encounters with doctors who thought my pain with exams and intercourse was "vaginismus" (the catch-all when they don't have a clue how to call it) and basically originated in my head. Unlike you, I eventually forced things with helpful implements as Diane suggested (I have an insane threshold for pain!), but then proceeded to form scar tissue that was equally painful. It was only a doctor at Planned Parenthood (bless those people) who believed me, examined me, and told me exactly what was what, although she informed me that most insurance companies wouldn't cover the necessary surgery because it was considered "cosmetic!!!"
Currently I apply Lidocaine liberally to the tiny (maybe 1 cm) area located between the 4 and 8 o'clock position 20-30 minutes before intercourse, which numbs it out sufficiently, but the whole business is crap because you have to budget for that time (goodbye spontaneity!) and you can't "mix it up" between intercourse and other delightful activities that I won't mention except to say that no man wants to ingest topical anaesthesia.
Me too, me too!
It was incredible to read your post, thanks for sharing it! You are definitely not alone in that experience. Reading this makes me feel like the more cases women can read about, the better.
I also waited a long time to solve the 'dang, can it be right that only a q-tip fits in there?' problem. I had asked at each physical in my 20's, and just was told that the hymen would break during sex, so I shouldn't try to have an exam again until then. I am a shy person and it was a painful prospect, so it was too easy to put off dealing with it. When I finally decided to look for myself, all I needed was a mirror and the internet to see a textbook-perfect septate hymen with a thick band that many people report not being able to break on their own. I also got a bit angry after the fact, upon realizing that the perfectly intelligent doctors who examined me in physicals throughout my life didn't recognize (or else think to tell me about) a nearly imperforate hymen with a band. It was a REALLY obvious anatomical feature! I was lucky in that the gynecologist I went to for a hymenectomy consultation was terrific. (My selection criteria? A balance of the quality of the website and staff bios, online recommendations, and how soon I could get an appointment.)
I have heard that gynecology is still regarded as something of a backwater for med students deciding on their specializations. This gives me even more respect for good gynecologists, but rather less for general practitioners who underestimate the importance of even basic attention to practical problem-solving in gynecology.
Finally, thanks to you for your post and to everyone whose posts on the internet helped me to come to a life-changingly helpful conclusion so quickly! If I'd been thirty a few decades ago without this tool, I would have just had to trust my fate to the statistical likelihood of drawing a doctor who would notice the problem (seems low even today), or else risk my dignity hiding in the corner of the library pouring over the suspicious bits of anatomical textbooks.