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It rained last night.
I live in the desert, and it’s a rare treat here. I’ll always be an East Coast girl in my heart, but I will say there is a smell in the desert after the rain that is one of the most delicious smells in the world. If a smell could be life affirming, this would be it. My biggest complaint about living where I do is the lack of rain and cold weather, something that I deeply love – but I do take comfort in the rare storm we receive. This is supposed to be our rainy season, but we haven’t gotten much rain – I’m hoping for a repeat of last night’s storm, at least once, before the season ends.
You may have noted that I’m discussing the weather.
This is because I’m at a loss of what to say today.
I started this series all piss and vinegar; scared to death - but with things to say. I had just gone through the surgery, gotten the news, and it appeared that if I wanted it, there was a new life out there for me – not just sex, but a chance to start over, wipe the slate clean of the past, and make a conscious choice to be braver. A chance to take this autumn and deliberately go through steps that would lead me to a metamorphosis of a woman instead of a girl; someone prouder of themselves, less apologetic, less timid, and less scared of having their heart or spirit broken.
I’ve already shared with you so many of the steps I have created while working on this – the makeover, the therapy, this blog… so, especially in the beginning, as these steps were being put into action, it provided me with very clear topics for the blog entries – and I decided that I would only write an entry when I had a specific topic in mind, and enough to say about it to be worthwhile. I wasn’t going to put in entries for the sake of just adding them.
Not every day, however, is going to have an earth shattering step towards my goals; some days are just days; long, difficult, and full of way too much thinking and self doubt.
I can tell you that on Saturday, I met with Stacey, who will be the professional photographer that will take my picture at least once a month throughout these coming days. We will be starting the pictures soon.
I can tell you that I have finally hired a professional tutor to learn Italian. I begin working with him in September, and he will take me through the normal class work for college Italian 101 and 102. Hopefully I can be at a decent place on my Italian when I arrive in Italy.
I can tell you that I had a very emotional scare yesterday; I began to bleed again. It’s my second cycle since the surgery, but the first involved no bleeding at all. Even though I had read all the literature and knew that the first 3 months can involve any level of blood or lack thereof as your body healed, I was still hoping there would be none, and was terrified when I saw it – frightened that the surgery hadn’t worked, even though it was barely enough to be considered spotting. It’s incredible how quickly and easily you can fear that these new gifts will be taken away from you, when they are so incredibly important. Hopefully it’s not going to get worse through the months? I’ll have to wait and see.
…I’ll have to wait and see.
How often I find myself repeating this line these days. In my head
