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I love children.
I love babies, I love toddlers, I love elementary school children… I even have a special soft spot for the 11-14 year olds, going through their petulant phase.
Life is a series of paths and choices; each one leads you down another road. My personal “road not taken” was that of motherhood.
I believe deeply that I would have been a good mother, had I gone down that path. I would have loved the child deeply, and they would have known that every day.
Instead, my life went down a different path; a path full of travel and adventures that I would not change for anything in the world. I’ve been so blessed to have memories and experiences from 14 different countries so far, including Malaysia, Austria, Singapore, France, Thailand… 7 trips to the UK in the last 14 years…and friends; friends everywhere. It’s a charmed and happy life, and I couldn’t be more grateful for it.
There are women who feel that their lives are not complete if they are not a mother. My own mother was one of these women. I am in awe of these women, and completely respect that calling as one I would have enjoyed; but I myself am not one of these women. While I would have found great joy in that life, I don’t need to be a mother. I often wonder, however, if perhaps the way I feel about travel is similar to these women’s feelings about motherhood. I think if I was told I would never see another new country, I would shrivel up, or break down. It’s my life’s calling, my passion and my achievement, and one I cannot live without.
I came to the conclusion a couple of years ago that I would never have children. Yes, I know that adoption would have been an option, but part of the great appeal to me was the experience of pregnancy, giving birth, and breast feeding. It seemed most likely that I would never even have sex – so not bearing a child was a foregone conclusion.
That being said, I had determined that even if by some miracle I was able to have sex, and then by some miracle I actually fell in love and married, I would want time with just my husband – time to enjoy him; time to enjoy us. I reasoned that if I ever somehow got to that place, I would have gone so long without that sort of close relationship with a man, that I would be entitled to enjoy it for a long time prior to changing the dynamic as dramatically as a baby does.
I will be 37 in January. At this point, I am no longer prepared to start a family. It’s my choice not to do this. I own this decision completely and unapologetically.
Still, I suppose some part of me still thought about children. There is a song by The Innocence Mission, called “Someday Coming”. The first verse says:
“My someday coming child,
I name and I re-name you.
I make up memories for you
of melodies and friends
and books I want to give you
and horse and buggy sounds outside…”
The last verse of the song states,
“Because I can be very strong.
Say I can, say I can.
There is so much to believe in…
There are angel words to teach you.
There is hope, my daydream child.”
I always loved that song.
I decided to move forward with the ablation – it was something I desperately needed for health reasons, and quality of life as
