Tales of the Schoolyard: Can I Sit With You?

I'm not one to think that grown ups should solve all the problems of children, because I do want my kids to figure some things out on their own, but I am always frustrated when I hear the stories where it would have been very easy for an adult to step in, just a little, and it could have helped a lot.

Thank you for sharing your story Patricia.

www.jennyalice.com ( http://www.jennyalice.com )
www.CanISitWithYou.org
www.ThinkingAutismGuide.com
www.HaveAutismWillTravel.com

I'm an introvert and was very shy. I was mostly just shunned, like others moving away from me when I sat down at the lunch table. But I can admit that there was occasional bullying, until I slugged one of the bullies. I ended up hanging with other outcasts even though being outcasts was the only thing we had in common.

My sin? I was a shy athletic girl. I had no social skills. Junior High was the worst (7-9th grade) for me. In high school I was able to use my athletic talents.

I won't say that my life is the complete opposite now, but my shyness rarely surfaces and I have friends with similar interests. And no one bullies me.

I'm still an introvert and love it.

Natalie   www.thoughtful-self-improvement.com ( http://www.thoughtful-self-improvement.com )

Shannon,

I started a blog this June called Mommy's Piggy TALES encouraging women to record THEIR youth in 15 posts for their children. My grandmother had done something similar and inspired the blog.

I had no idea all the things I would learn from this project! Recalling what hurt me, impacted me, and impressed me is sure to make me a more empathetic mother. As I read the other women's stories (they link up every Thurs.) I also see the kind of actions from adults that hurt them, that I hope not to repeat now that I am an adult.

When we forget out stories we lose our ability to connect with our children's feelings. Your project interests me, and I agree in the value of recalling and discussing your own childhood with your children.

We don't truly understand the power of telling our story until we begin to tell others.

Janna -  The Adventure of Motherhood  ( http://tiny.cc/fzzq2 )& MommysPiggyTALES ( http://tiny.cc/25qae )

Don’t you know? High school never ends. From the moment we’re old enough to realize differences between ourselves to the day we finally keel over, it will never end.

I was overweight and had acne. I had a small group of friends I stuck with but floundered horribly when none of them were in the same class as me. I was teased for my weight before they realized they couldn’t get me to react anymore. But, things weren’t always so.

During 6th grade there was this one group of boys and one boy in particular who was horrible to me. And we all shared the same math class. It took all year for them to finally push me to it but one day I simply turned in the seat and threw my pencil at that one particular boy. I missed, of course. The eraser hit the boy behind him harmlessly on his glasses lens. I cried, a full year of being humiliated and teased pouring out. That one particular boy apologized and the teacher lectured the class while I cried by the windows. I hated that teacher. All that bullying and she had the nerve to lecture a bunch of brats after the fact and to include a nice addendum about violence. I’m only sorry I missed.

Probably not what you wanted to hear but it’s the one case of teasing and bullying that I will never forget.

Patricia

Lacking Sense ( http://lacking-sense.blogspot.com )
Cherry Juice ( http://cherryjuicered.blogspot.com )

I recall being in the 5th grade and having crosswalk duty after school. That's when you had you wear a bright orange belt and control the crowds of people trying to cross the street near the school.

One day, as I was in the red light position, 4 girls stood behind me and one of them kicked me in my leg. As the light was about to turn green, I could hear them laughing and plotting something. When the light turned green, two of them had a hand on both sides of my face and they slapped me and ran away.

That experience pretty much traumatized my childhood life and made me prejudicial towards African American people as I am Chinese American and the school I went to had all Chinese kids.

As I grew older, of course I eventually let go of my prejudices but I just remember having to go through something like that really changes a child's perception on humanity.

Life is comedy. Live out loud.

Not all our stories are about the good kids -- most of them are about the gray areas, as you described -- which doesn't make them any less intense. Your daughter might enjoy Cindy Emch's A Misled Superhero:

http://www.canisitwithyou.org/2007/10/19/a-misled-...

Shannon Des Roches Rosa
Squidalicious.com ( http://www.squidalicious.com/ ) parenting first, autism second
CanISitWithYou.org ( http://www.canisitwithyou.org/ ) real tales of schoolyard terror and triumph

Agreed, it does feel worse when it's your child. Maybe reading some of the stories about our younger children (the books' experiences go from kinder through high school, but are mostly upper elementary and middle school) will help?

Here's one of my favorites, Jenifer Monroe Scharpen's First Grade Reader: http://www.canisitwithyou.org/2007/10/15/first-gra...

Shannon Des Roches Rosa
Squidalicious.com ( http://www.squidalicious.com/ ) parenting first, autism second
CanISitWithYou.org ( http://www.canisitwithyou.org/ ) real tales of schoolyard terror and triumph

We look forward to reading your stories!

Shannon Des Roches Rosa
Squidalicious.com ( http://www.squidalicious.com/ ) parenting first, autism second
CanISitWithYou.org ( http://www.canisitwithyou.org/ ) real tales of schoolyard terror and triumph

So glad your sons have found CISWY useful -- yours are the comments that keep us going. I think you (and they) will be pleased with the third book, based on the submissions we've already received, for example Sabrina's above, and Adrienne Jones's The Lessons My Bullies Taught Me: http://www.canisitwithyou.org/2010/04/16/the-lesso... .

Thanks, Lisa.

Shannon Des Roches Rosa
Squidalicious.com ( http://www.squidalicious.com ) parenting first, autism second
CanISitWithYou.org ( http://www.canisitwithyou.org ) real tales of schoolyard terror and triumph

I didn't mention this in the post, Mel, but Anonymous submissions are fine. We'd certainly love to have you participate.

Shannon Des Roches Rosa
Squidalicious.com ( http://www.squidalicious.com ) parenting first, autism second
CanISitWithYou.org ( http://www.canisitwithyou.org ) real tales of schoolyard terror and triumph

I feel very fortunate that I was not bullied on a regular basis as a kid, and I'm so sorry you were.

I am trying to teach my daughter to "first, be kind."

I don't want to just tell her to be "nice", and because she's only four, I'd prefer to wait to bring up the whole "bullying" concept specifically, yet.

She's going in to pre-K in the fall, so I'm sure it is all just around the corner.
Jen

www.jennyalice.com ( http://www.jennyalice.com )
www.CanISitWithYou.org
www.ThinkingAutismGuide.com
www.HaveAutismWillTravel.com

I think you'll be surprised by how good it feels to write down some of those things. We look forward to reading your story.
Jen

www.jennyalice.com ( http://www.jennyalice.com )
www.CanISitWithYou.org ( http://www.CanISitWithYou.org )
www.ThinkingAutismGuide.com ( http://www.ThinkingAutismGuide.com )
www.HaveAutismWillTravel.com ( http://www.HaveAutismWillTravel.com )

I got the best feeling a few weeks ago when I saw a dog-eared copy of the first book at the library. It was just sitting right there, displayed in the non-fiction, and it had clearly been read.
I'm so glad your sons have had some time with the book. It always makes me happy and hopeful when I hear about kids who have read the books, especially those who go back because that means something resonated, and maybe life will be just a bit easier for that teen or tween.
Jen

www.jennyalice.com ( http://www.jennyalice.com )
www.CanISitWithYou.org ( http://www.CanISitWithYou.org )
www.ThinkingAutismGuide.com ( http://www.ThinkingAutismGuide.com )
www.HaveAutismWillTravel.com ( http://www.HaveAutismWillTravel.com )

I didn't really have any issues of my own in school. I wasn't the popular kid, but I was the one who had friends, but didn't put up with others shit and if I saw someone picking on some of the "underdogs" as the PC term was at my schools were. I gave the kids bullying shit for it. It was ridiculous to me that someone would get teased for something they couldn't help. Kids can be so vicious.

My girls are both in middle school now and I ended up taking my youngest out to home school her because of all the drama and fighting. All the school did was write up warnings. My daughter was not innocent in it by a long shot, but no more. She is not going back to school anytime soon.

My early years of school were actually pretty great. It wasn't until 4th or 5th grade that I ever really felt awkward or disliked. It was the first time someone called me fat. But for the most part I was well adjusted and liked by people at school...until I moved. At the end of my 5th grade year I moved. That summer I got braces, glasses and acne! And then started at a new school. To say I was the low man on the totem pool was a HUGE understatement. But I tried my best to make friends without upsetting the delicate balance, that is the 6th grade world. But not long after school started a group of 3 boys who sat in front of me on the bus each afternoon began to harass me. Everyday after school they'd turn around and begin hurling insults. I never told anyone but the name calling and complete self esteem killer was enough to make me physically ill every afternoon as we returned to our homeroom to prepare to leave school. Despite this hellish part of my schooling I eventually found my niche in high school and am semiwell adjusted. But apparently a little dillusional too. As my kids (all boys) started school I really had little concern that they would deal with this sort of stuff. I mean, they are boys. And this past year they were only in first grde and kindergarten. But low and behold, we found that my oldest son was being seriously mistreated by the boy he called his best friend. It started small with him first telling my son if he had chocolate milk with his lunch he couldn't be his friend. He rationalized this to my son, saying its not healthy and he just wants his friends to be healthy. But the manipulation continued to worsen until the end of the year it included punching, pinching and pencil stabbing. IN FIRST GRADE!!! I know why people keep their kids home to home school!! We hope this past year has been a learning experience for us all because I don't think my heart can take too much more of that. I thought it was gut wrenching when it was me, but its 100 times worse when its your child!

...numerous times. They've learned so much from "Can I Sit With You?" -- empathy begins when they see themselves in these stories, and then a series of head-slapping moments as they connect personally with other people's tough experiences.

Shannon, Jen, this book is holy work. Bravo. Can't wait for the next one!

Lisa Stone, BlogHer Co-founder ( http://www.blogher.com/member/lisa-stone )

BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers aren't! Follow our coverage of Politics & News ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/politics-news ).

I still freak out in new social situations! This is great because I know from experience it does help when you realize you are NOT the only person in the universe who's been there.

I have so many stories floating around in my head now. I will definitely be writing some up and posting.

Elizabeth

@texasebeth ( http://twitter.com/texasebeth )  and My Life, such as it is.... ( http://texasebeth.blogspot.com )

My memories of my school years are pretty horrible. I was an overweight child and went through a lot of bullying, and lots of days of not having anyone to sit with. I wish I had the courage then that I have now. Now, if someone is rude to me, I tell them off instead of just hanging my head and taking it all. I want to teach my kids to have the courage to stand up for themselves and not let other kids bully them the way that I did! It's a shame more parents don't teach their kids not to be bullies.

I AM chicken! Sometimes, it's painful to think about, much less put those moments into words. Especially, as you say, watching your child go through the same thing you did. And know that as bad as elementary school can be, middle school is so much worse. Sigh.

I'm chicken, but I am going to do this when I can take a moment to write down longer thoughts.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).