Some people enjoy keeping book reading a solitary activity, but I've always been more of the book club sort. I don't like reading in a vacuum. I want to hear what everyone else thought and how they processed the same words.

There is a group of bloggers doing just that right now on the Internet and they're using the book Unsung Lullabies as a jumping point to coping with infertility. Unsung Lullabies, written by reproductive psychologists Janet Jaffe, Martha Ourieff Diamond, and David Diamond, is a book that addresses the emotional side of infertility--the grief and hope inherent in the experience. Dayzofrain at Living a New Life with Infertility is leading the project. Each week, participants read a chunk of the book and write their response to the passage in a blog post each Sunday. The first posts went up this week.

Dayzofrain began with a simple thought--"validation doesn’t make it all better but makes it more bearable." She also finds the root of the bitterness sometimes found within infertility:

Anyway, so the first chapter is all about validating what we feel and what we are going through as well as giving it a name: reproductive trauma. It is so true. In the Greek, the word meant to wound. This journey is a wound that never seems to have time to heal. I went from failed hope to renewed at the beginning of a new cycle. Pushing the hurt and the disappointment back so that I could focus on what needed to be done to improve my chances. To focus on what I may have done wrong to try and correct it. After awhile…it wasn’t so much pushing it to the back because there wasn’t any space for it back there anymore. It had grown–and I felt alone.

Dee at I'm Not Ashamed of Having Infertility--Just Pissed agreed with the use of the word trauma and wrote: "it certainly IS traumatic, not only to our bodies (which have to undergo never-ending tests and medications, etc) but to our minds (the constant feeling of failure, the longing for something that you can't seem to get your hands around, the devastation of loss)."

NYCPhoenix at Forever Reaching felt as if opening the book drove home the fact that she was infertile and it was a moment of acceptance.

This is the first time I ever opened up any kind of book about infertility. I was afraid I would read that infertility was my fault, I was afraid that I would not identify with what the wrote. I was afraid I would read the same assvice I have heard: lose weight, relax, take a vacation. But I think the overriding reason was that even after all the blogging, the tears, the talking I just wanted to keep that little bit of denial alive. Bringing this book in and reading it is the concrete proof I cannot deny. I am infertile. This book added the emphasis to that statement more than the failed IVF cycles ever could.

Sandra at Are We There Yet? eloquently stated: "People that have never been through infertility will never really understand it. One can only hope that we have people in our lives that can listen without making comments or giving advice because sometimes all you need is a shoulder to lean on." And KCMarie at Becoming a Different Person pointed out the conundrum of the successful woman and infertility:

This has been especially hard for me because I hate failing. Now I realize that no one loves failing, but for me I feel like it is especially difficult. All my life I have been pretty good at most things I have done. I got really good grades, I excelled in several sports, I had a lot of friends, I got a great job right out of college, I bought my own house, I married a wonderful man, my husband and I built our dream home together…it all worked, and selfishly, I guess, I was very proud of what I had accomplished thus far in life. Now, don’t get my wrong, I’m not saying that I never failed at anything. In looking back on my life I realized that whenever I attempted something that I wasn’t good at…I didn’t like it, and therefore would not pursue it. So I always avoided things that were a challenge for me. If I didn’t think I could succeed, I would just not try in the first place. With infertility, I don’t have much of a choice now do I? If I want a child of my own, which I desperately do, then I can’t just stop trying even though I keep failing, failing failing, cycle after cycle after cycle.

Giant Speed Bump found the opening painful, yet helpful, to read: "As painful as it is to read, I really appreciate the validation of the loss that one feels every time there is a failed procedure, especially IVF, where you are shown pictures of your embryos (in some cases given photos 'of your future baby' to take home) and later told you are not pregnant." Allison at The Follicle Report mused on the concept of hope: "Sometimes I am grateful for it and other days I wish I could just give up so that I didn't have to keep experiencing these losses."

Mtarms's Weblog is reading the book with her husband. She said, "I also love reading the guys perspective of the book as David tells his story. Not many people remember the guy in the reproductive trauma." Which is one of the best things about Unsung Lullabies--the book is incredibly inclusive. Baby Steps to Baby Shoes was thrown off at first by the word "trauma" but came to realize that "I often ask myself how much longer I can continue this madness, but what other option do I have?"

Lastly, Fertility Challenged in Florida also was touched by hearing the male perspective.

David Diamond's story was profound for me. I am not blind to the pain that men feel during this experience, but Dave illustrated some of the misconceptions very well. In his account, Dave's friend responds to the news of their IVF by telling him the story of another friend who underwent IVF, only to lose the baby late in pregnancy. The kicker is that before telling the story, Dave's friend cautions him not to tell his wife because, 'it will upset her.' Dave's private response is shock and anger. He is surprised that his friend would think that Dave is immune to the same kind of pain and worry his wife is experiencing. He writes, 'What about the man? What about me?' It made me think about my husband, and how he's going through a lot of the same emotional turmoil that I'm experiencing, but that he doesn't voice it as much, nor does he get as much support from others. I worry about that and hope that I at least am meeting his needs in that area.

The group will continue to read and post over the next few weeks, so check back on their blogs every Sunday and grab a copy of the book yourself so you can follow along.

If online book clubs are your thing, the Barren Bitches Book Brigade is starting their 10th book right now. This online book club has been around for over a year and over 100 people have participated. The group usually reads books related--however tangentially--to infertility, loss or adoption. The current book is Embryo Culture by Beth Kohl and anyone can join along for the discussion which includes author participation.

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1100 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.