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Sparkle (2)
For months and months we've been on "racial cruise control" in our house. We've traveled in the same circles, visited the same people and overall, those we encountered didn't think or look twice when our multi-colored family entered the room. I had actually forgotten that having a multi-colored family instantly makes us a billboard for race relations.
Then came last week. Last week I believe I had a sign on my head that said, "Enter into major discussions about race with me, please."
It started on Wednesday when I took my daughter to karate practice. There was a kid who was doing a makeup class in her class that day. We'd never seen his family and they had never seen ours. The youngest daughter in their family was about 3 or 4. She could not stop staring at us. She would look at me. Then she'd look at my African son. Then she'd look back at me. I could see that she was trying to make sense of it in her head and couldn't do it. So she did what all kids do- they ask questions! Now, talking with little ones about how families can look different is one of my favorite things. Talking with their parents? Not so much. This encounter was no exception.
When this little girl finally got up the nerve to speak to us and she said, "He looks different than you. Is he brown because he's littler than you?" I smiled at her and told her that that was a good guess, but that even when he got to be a grown up, our son would still be brown. I told her that he was adopted and explained a little bit about what adoption was and that even though we were all different colors that we are still a family. By this time- the little girl's mom was listening to the conversation. She decided that she needed to chime in and oh boy- I wish that she hadn't! She said to her daughter, "Remember when we had your friend M over? And the nice woman who brought her over was not her mommy but her foster mommy? It's like that. She's not his real mommy." I took a deep breath and considered pummeling this well intentioned woman who did not realize the extent of her own ignorance. I think as an adoption community, we can all agree that being called "Not the real mommy" is one of the worst insults to throw around. I was proud of the self control that it took to not go all ninja on this woman. Instead- I chose the slightly less low road and just decided to make her feel stupid.
I looked at the little girl and I said, "Can you see me?" She said, "Yes!" I said, "Shew! Good! For a minute I didn't think I was real!" The mom looked sheepish. I continued to tell the little girl that yes, I was his real mommy and that he would always be my son and that I would always love him and take care of him and that even though we didn't look like her family that we were a-okay! I gushed over how beautiful I think Miles' brown skin is and she agreed that it was really pretty. The little girl gave Miles a big grin and the two of them pushed one of Miles' cars back and forth for a few minutes. The mom pretended like she was chatting on her phone for the entire rest of the karate lesson.
What disappointed me the most about this whole situation is that this mom missed out on a golden opportunity to talk with her daughter about race and tolerance. I think so many times as "white Americans" we feel like we aren't allowed to talk about "black people". Or we pretend that we are all the same. And while yes- it is SO important to teach our children that our hearts and capabilities and human nature ARE the same- that there are some differences in culture and lifestyle and looks that we need to respect, appreciate, accept and celebrate. Kids need to know how to handle themselves and make sense of the situation when they encounter other people that don't look like them. I can not tell you how many times children (and adults) come up to Miles and rub his hair and say something like, "Wow! His hair feels weird! Why does his hair feel weird?" I think that we are failing our children by not pointing out that differences are what make
