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We all have to face that horrible day when someone we love dies. There is also a huge amount of planning that must be done in the heat of the worst sudden grief. There is the selection of a funeral home, and identifying and dealing with arrangements at a cemetery. There are trips to the florist, decisions about what to say in the obituary. Is there or is there not a memorial service or funeral? Is it in a church, a hall, a home, graveside? How much to spend? How little? What kind of flowers? Who are the pallbearers? Are there pallbearers at all, or it a cremation? If it is a cremation, where do the ashes get scattered? Or are they buried? Should there be music? What kind? Who officiates? Are there eulogies? Who gives them? Special songs and/or hymns? Prayers?
So in the middle of a time when you are at an emotional low, you drag yourself through a zillion decisions hoping they are "right", i.e. that they are what the deceased would have felt was a fitting event and that you have done right by them.
You may end up spending too much. The average amount is $8,500-$10,000 not including cemetery costs. That is average. There are many people who spend more because they have no idea what to do. So they "spend big", as though a large display somehow is a way to show love, or because they feel pressured into it. Often these huge spends are for folks who really, had they been asked, would have wanted a simple event, modest by all counts.
This kind of funeral, one arranged during high grief, is more painful than it has to be. It adds confusion and frustration to grief. It takes the focus off you and your loved ones, and puts it on administrative details. Yet these details are important -- our last chance to publicly gather people to celebrate someone's memory.
So -- talk to your loved ones now.
Ask Mom what she wants. Ask Dad what he wants. This doesn't have to be in hushed tones, or in an apologetic tone. It can be a simple conversation among family members.
It doesn't have to be ominous, and it can be raised gently.."Mom, I went to a wake the other day (or saw a funeral on TV) , and they had (fill in the blanks -- beautiful flowers, nice music..etc)" It got me thinking, I'd like to make sure when the time comes that I do what you want done -- but I don't know what that is. Can we talk about it?"
Some folks just can't do it. That conversation is not going to happen. But other parents willingly share their thoughts.
I was surprised that my father, who always seemed cynical about wakes, definitely wanted one when he died. My mother surprised me by saying that she would come back from the grave and haunt me if I spent too much on a casket.
My aunt surprised me even further by telling me that she had already pre-paid her own funeral.
The Pre-Paid Funeral:
This is an amazing concept. Here is how it worked with my aunt. She arranged everything in advance with the funeral home - casket/flowers/pallbearers/obituary/limos/cemetery plans/death certificate multiples. They also contacted a minister for her preferred graveside service. She asked me if I would eulogize her. And - poof -- there we had it. A funeral. She paid in advance and was guaranteed that funeral for that cost no matter how many years passed. The funeral home invested her money. If the eventual funeral cost less than the total of the accrued investment, the funeral home kept the overage. If it cost more, the funeral home took the loss.
The day she died, I called the funeral home. After that, all we had to do was to show up.
Her prior arrangements had taken care of everything except the lunch after it was all over, and what she would wear in the casket. And she had left an envelope for "lunch money".
On the days that we held the wake and then buried her, we were free to grieve, to sit as a family and let people pay their respects. We didn't have to think about anything but getting through the day. It was her last gift to us.
The Pre-Arranged Funeral
This is where you discuss what you want without actually reserving it. To go that above step of
