Talking to Yourself- Are you saying the right things?

When you live alone like I do, sometimes there is no one to talk to except your cat.  My cat is a genius, and she knows me like a book, but she isn’t always interested in listening to me when I need a conversation. So I talk to myself.  And it’s not all sunshine and lollypops! No censorship here!  I call myself names.  Horrible names!  “Stupid” is high on the list, with “Dumb Ass” coming in a close second, followed by “Ugly”, “Gross” and on and on.  These insults just fly out of my mouth, seemingly without a thought.  But how “thoughtless” is it really, resorting to calling names?  Don’t children do that?  And more important, why am I the target?  What purpose is met by being cruel to myself? 

I began to realize that this behavior has been going on for a long time, and it needed to stop.  They say that a new habit can be created in 21 days.  In an effort to test this theory, I became hyperaware of what was really going on when “dummy,” or “idiot” popped out of my mouth.  And just about every time, the prevailing emotion was ANGER.  Anger? 

Now that I’ve given this more thought, the “anger” revelation is not so surprising.  I AM angry.  Anger fuels every negative stereotype that haunts the fat girl.  BUT it also fuels the deprecation, the abuse, and the disgust I throw at myself with this behavior.  Eureka!  “AHA” Moment!  Even I have bought into society’s prejudice!  This must stop! 

I still find those angry insults popping out of my mouth when I’m alone.  The difference now is that I take it back.  I take it back and I apologize.  And then I say something nice to myself.  And I say thank you. 

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