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I was raised in a traditional household by a stay-at-home mom and a dad who expected his dinner on the table when he got home from work. There are, of course, many often-discussed pluses and minuses to "love, honor, and obey," and a boatload of passionate opinion to go with them, but much like Christina in Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona, the thing I was most certain of growing up was what I didn't want. I didn't want a traditional relationship like my parents'.
Still, I grew up immersed in it. Like many Gen-Xers, I was told about and could see another way, but at home the world worked the way it had for so long. I was taught to serve man. Serve him dinner, not serve him *for* dinner.
I was so firm in my beliefs and personal resolutions, that I didn't even notice what I was picking up along the way despite myself.
The first glimmer came with my then fiance when I was asking him to do something he didn't want to do - I can't remember what and it really doesn't matter. The point was, he didn't want to compromise, and he said that I never compromised. I countered that I compromised all the time, and when I gave him examples, he said, Yeah, but you didn't really care about that stuff.
But, I did. I really did. Thing is, when I compromised, I was ever gracious. The way I'd been taught. I'm a master of making sure you're comfortable, and that you understand it's no worries. Because once I've decided to compromise, then that's how it is.
I suppose it was the first death knell of that relationship that often after that when I was compromising I would announce it clearly. It was absurd, but there it was. Being gracious was getting me nowhere.
Years later, I've become a more straightforward person than I was before. I shrugged off the lessons in passive aggression and manipulation - people who take care of themselves and have power over their lives don't need it. But the lesson that my needs come second in a relationship is something I've continued to struggle with. Because it's completely internalized. I do it without thinking - sometimes requiring me to backtrack or "change my mind."
Like I get off the phone and think, Wait a minute, that's not what I want. So I call back and change what I said before.
And that's just confusing to everyone. But I can't help it. Sometimes I just compromise what I want without thinking.
Or, then I fear it swings the other way. I've learned to and work to clearly express my needs, but then, both partners *do* need to compromise - I struggle to find the balance. I wonder about the things I do stand up for, and I worry about the future. How do two people who've lived alone come together and compromise on things like air conditioning and window shades? I want to believe it just happens, but it feels like the first time I saw mountains on my way to California from Florida - I couldn't imagine how we were going to be able to drive through them.
In my professional life, I've mastered the art of picking my battles. But everything has this added weight in a relationship. It's your personal life; it matters more. It effects how you live and how you act and suddenly you're living with things and doing things you'd never do if you were on your own. That scares the crap out of me.
I muddle forward and try my best to communicate clearly and find the balance. I hope I'm figuring it out as I go, but it's very challenging. Does anyone else struggle with this?
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Here's some pretty serious posts from women struggling with various relationship issues:
rookieblogger has been Bitten in Love, unrequited.
Tracey writes I walk the line... to divorce or not to divorce?
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
