Are we Enough?

A deep well of grief--a place that has no words--lives inside my body.  It moves, sometimes resting on my heart, sometimes rushing through my veins, sometimes receding in my bones so deep that I think it’s disappeared, only to come roaring to life in my ears in the middle of the night.   I call it the dark place—the place where this tiny infant girl lost her mother in the middle of the night.  After years of therapy, attempting to disentangle the sorrow and anxiety, I try to handle it like this: ...more

Bracing For Impact: Foster Care, Transracial Adoption and the Turmoil of Family Visits

I'm not sure how this always happens, but it seems visits for us have always been right before long weekends. Which makes for some very loooonnnnggg weekends around these parts. It's been almost a week since Tiny and Mr. Toddler saw their Mom for the first time in months, and it was an extended visit to boot. "This is the life we choose," The Artist reminds me frequently when I'm feeling spun out on the demands of it all. So here's where I'm falling today. Here's the letter I want to write: ...more
reading this while our little guy is at a visit with his bio parents right now.... it is not easy.more

Every Adoptive Parent's Worst Nightmare

In August, Rosie O'Donnell's daughter went missing. She was found and returned; drugs are rumored to have been involved. And then on her 18th birthday, Chelsea O'Donnell left Florida with her birth mother. O'Donnell is said to have cut her daughter off financially and is holding her daughter's birth certificate and social security card. The adoption world is in an uproar. An adoptee! Returned! To her birth mother! Whoa. ...more
I think the moral of the story here is don't be an adoptive parent who unnecessarily medicated ...more

Mommy's Want

4 months—that is how long I’ve known you, but I’ve known the promise of you my whole life. When I looked down at my very first baby doll I felt the want for you for the first time, though I didn’t understand it completely. With every boy I dated I secretly imagined the kind of daddy he would be for you, and sometimes that is the very thing that made me realize he wasn’t the one for you and me....more

The Woman Without A Baby

 At twenty-seven, I am your average, career-oriented millennial. An English teacher in the town where I grew up, I am married to my junior high sweetheart (we met at the art table when we were twelve). I have four cats and a mastiff named Henry. Although we don’t have the white picket fence essential to the American Dream cliché, we do have a Cape Cod style home. We go on vacation once a year, frequent local eateries, and go to the movies on weekends....more
Thank you for a thoughtful and thought provoking post about childlessness. I could have written ...more

DNA Test Part I