When I grew up, it was understood that I'd marry and have children. Yes, I could pursue a fabulous career, courtesy of the women’s movement. I could be a hard-charging executive as well as fecund earth mother. This was no longer the '50s, so I didn’t aspire to vacuum in pearls. In the '70s, we instead dreamed of having it all—and “all” included children.
There comes a time in every girl’s life when her close friends start to have babies. For me, it began around five years ago…and hasn’t stopped yet. Out of my closest girlfriends, I’d say 90% of them are now mothers. That’s a pretty big number....more
I will never forget the day my niece was born. A friend of mine worked at Sephora and had given me a giant bag of goodies. As I dug into it, I started trying out all the different products. And I mean all. I smeared on the face-life cream, eye patches to reduce puffiness, lip plumper, teeth whitening strips, cellulite goo on my thighs, stomach firming gel, foot tingly stuff with the special socks, exfoliators, you name it and I had it gobbed on my body....more
Recently, in the context of the recent twitterstorm, someone in the ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) community commented, "Infertility brings out the worst in all of us ... We’re all guilty." I beg to differ....more
Rather than being the easy way out, letting go of a dream can require immense bravery.It takes courage to say, “enough is enough,” to step off the treadmill and often, away from the support we might have there.It takes courage to know that your decision will bring sadness and loss, to absorb that as part of you, and to continue to face the world every day....more
I often find that people with children, when they hear women who embrace their life without children (either by choice, or because we had no choice), find it necessary to comment that they couldn’t imagine life without little Jack and Jill (or whoever). Of course, they can’t (or won't) imagine their life as it is now without their children. To do so would be to imagine them gone, to feel their absence, their loss, and to imagine and feel the grief of this loss. Of course they can’t do that. And none of us are ever suggesting they should try....more
…but you don’t really want NOT to have them, either…A conversation my husband "Sven" and I had recently:Me: Are you ready to have a baby?Sven: I’m 35. I could have a 10 year old child by now.Me: Ok, but if you didn’t feel like you should be ready just because you’re old, do you actually feel a desire to be a dad?Sven: I guess not, but I think it’s something I don’t want to miss out on. I know I won’t regret having them, what about you?...more
A woman's womb is such a delicate, creative, innovative place that not only is a designated place where the uterus is located but it is also a place where babies and ideas are conceived in this delicate place. This particular article is about the conception of ideas rather than babies. I am going to give birth to a matter that is such a sensitive, raw and private matter...the policing of women's womb especially those who are childless. *sigh* Let me start off by saying that I am an unapologetic married woman who is childless....more
I've been thinking the last few days about those very early days of learning we will have a life without children. First, infertility, then childlessness. I remember those days, even though they were many years ago. I felt as if I had been slammed into a brick wall.